Being honest, if it didn't hurt anyone would you want this?

[Blubba]

I was thinking about this last night and although I absolutely love my husband, if I knew it wouldn't hurt him, I'd love to have a more open relationship and I wondered how many people would also prefer that if they knew it wouldn't cause upset / hurt to their spouse or partner?

In reality, my husband would never agree and so I'd never bring it up as I know it would cause an issue the fact I'd even brought it up but in an alternate universe where it wouldn't cause any upset, I think I'd prefer it to a complete monogamy.

Anyone else?

YABU - Even if I could do so without causing any problems in my relationship, I still wouldn't.

YANBU - I would prefer a more open relationship IF it didn't affect my current relationship/marriage.

We do, because we can without negatively affecting our relationship. It simply isn't true that people who do this don't really love each other or don't really want to be together. Maybe that's the case for some people but it isn't always. My husband and I are committed to each other and love each other, and intend to stay together forever. We've been together 18 years and open for 5.

I feel genuinely pleased for him when he has a nice experience elsewhere which is something I never expected before we did this. He feels the same for me. I used to be a fairly jealous person and still can be in some respects - but not in this one. Which is still fascinating to me. I think if he is seeing someone I know exactly what it's about which negates the insecurity. So for me I've learnt my insecurities are around fear of hidden desires and impulses. When I know about them, they disappear.

There are also many layers and for us it is not just about sex, sex is probably somewhat down the list.

It sounds like bullshit but it's not for me. It's been something we done very carefully with very high levels of honest communication though. Looking at many other relationships around us, being strictly monogamous appears to be barely protective against cheating/betrayal/lying at all.

What if your hobby's shagging, though? 😏

Yabu, can’t think of anything worse. Love DH and never ever want to be with anyone else, even the idea of it is disgusting to me. I don’t think you can be fully happy in your marriage if you’re thinking along these lines.

I've said YANBU because in theory I'd like that. In practice I wouldn't, because it is just too complicated. I definitely wouldn't like to risk of my DH having a relationship with a woman of childbearing age. I wouldn't mind sharing him with another adult, but I don't want my kids to have to share their dad with other kids. I want his fatherly attentions entirely on the children we share together!

I was a bit of a hippy in my youth, and lots of the people around me were having open relationships, but in very few cases did it seem successful. Even when everyone behaves perfectly, there are so many ways it can go wrong. Many people are more jealous than they realise, and can't successfully repress their jealousy.

😂😂Just what I was thinking!

Each to their own but me, no.
I wouldn't gain anything from it for a start.

Well, obviously I'd gain a bloke but I've already got one of those. I can't be arsed to have to break another one in.

I love the fact that, even on my worse days, I can get up out of bed looking like an absolute pile of shit and my husband looks like he's been dragged through a bush and we still want each other. I don't want the effort of ALWAYS looking good for someone, being on the chase, learning a new body. I want something that's tried and tested who I'm not out to impress or be impressed by. I just could t be doing with the effort of it all. I want to expend my effort on something that I know is going to be great.

The thing is it would hurt someone. Assuming that both you are your husband are happy with an open relationship, do you really think the other people you'd get involved with would be immune to getting emotionally entangled?

I find the vitriol this subject garners really quite peculiar tbh. My general attitude towards the many things that adults with capacity like to do for fun is that quite a lot of it wouldn’t do anything for me but if if makes them happy then go for it. Yet adults mentioning choosing to have sex with more than one person at a time, in private, of their volition, and simply saying it makes them happy - and out come people to insist they know something you don’t about your own relationship, how you experience love, throwing around insults and derogatory remarks, making odd hints about your mental health etc. About something they never have to think about doing if they don’t want to, which another adult says they enjoy!

Is it because it’s about sex and so many women are still conditioned to think of sex as a bit dirty and disgusting but just about acceptable to them if they have to have it at all in the particular construct of a monogamous relationship? Is it good old fashioned slut shaming towards women admitting they enjoy sex and will have it on their terms, in a way they choose? Why does it enrage some people so much?

He might be overyjoyed if you suggest it, OP! Wait until you think he fancies someone else and then make your move. Or tell him you have a fantasy about watching him f* another woman, that might open the door to a conversation.

Ewwwww.
YABU.

Honestly who has the fucking time to put up with yet another man?

I don't want another man. I like meeting up with other women though.

Personally it wouldn't be for me, I don't like change , I don't like people and I just couldn't be bothered 🤣I'm too tired for dating and getting to know new people.

For sex?

@ComtesseDeSpair

Is it because it’s about sex and so many women are still conditioned to think of sex as a bit dirty and disgusting but just about acceptable to them if they have to have it at all in the particular construct of a monogamous relationship? Is it good old fashioned slut shaming towards women admitting they enjoy sex and will have it on their terms, in a way they choose? Why does it enrage some people so much?

I can't speak for others and there may be an element of this for some people.

but from my perspective its mainly bemusement at the idea that you would want to maintain an official LTR with one person if you want to shag others.

It's not out of some moral objection, it's just that the whole business of maintaining a relationship is so burdensome at the best of times, even if its a good relationship, I can't see for the life of me why anyone would have the energy to do this and also have several others on the go at the same time.

Relationships can be hard work and a lot of them are really pretty over-rated. I believe most people, deep down, are happier on their own than in LTRs but remain in them out of a combination of financial and social expediency and habit with a heavy veneer of thinking that's what everyone should do.

The only possible reason (other than financial dependence) that I can see for remaining in one would be that the person you are with enhances your life so much that you can't imagine being without them. If you have the desire to sleep with others outside that relationship it sort of negates the point of all the other grief. But that's just me.

I was never interested in sleeping around before I met DH - so nothing has changed for me. I dont think it's anything to do with monogamy - I just never did it, and I never wanted to do it.

I don't think

I was talking about this with my sister who likes the idea of this. She likes the idea of a main partner to live and raise a family with, and then someone to have sex with without the worries, burdens and connections of family life.

I can objectively see the appeal if everyone is happy but (1) I think very rarely is everyone genuinely happy, very often I think on some level someone would rather be in a monogamous relationship but there is a an element of keep the other(s) happy and (2) subjectively I think I would struggle not to create a main bond with one partner and go off the other. I am a bit of an "all in" type of person and have never been able to have a "just sex" relationship (I either go off the person or develop feelings for them). So it wouldn't work for me.

Yes.
I'm a member of a club for bi-sexual /bi-curious women.
They organise the most amazing parties but a group of us also meet up for nights out a few times a year either as a group or on a 'date' with one other woman.

I've met some wonderful women along the way

Posted too soon

I don't think I've ever been in the presence of a man wishing I could just rip his clothes off.

It's the falling in love part that drives the desire - for me anyway, understand that everyone is different.

I wasn't a virgin when I met DH but every partner I'd had before was one where significant feelings and a relationship had been involved.

I think it’s fine to have a viewpoint from your own perspective and to acknowledge that having more than one partner wouldn’t work for you, because you find maintaining relationships burdensome; but it’s insulting and odd to insist that others must feel the same way as you do, even if they tell you otherwise.

I can’t think of anything worse than pushing a small human out of my vagina, possibly destroying my body in the process, and then having to be responsible for it for the next two decades. But it clearly brings many people great joy, so all power to them. And I don’t wander onto threads in the childbirth section and post “Ewwwww!” in response to posters planning a vaginal birth; or the IVF section to tell posters their infertility is god’s way of telling them to be childfree; or TTC section to tell people planning their second baby that I think it’s a shame their first child isn’t enough for them, that they clearly don’t love it enough if they feel the need to have a second child, how sad etc.

From your description, it sounds as though you find some security in knowing who your husband is shagging, and it being on agreed terms?

you seem to be under the assumption that he’d cheat anyway so you’d rather this way? I mean you say you used to feel jealous and insecure, you think most men cheat so this is your way of coping with that?

i feel a bit sad reading it ☹️

Not for me but if everyone is happy, consenting, and of age, and as long as all rules and boundaries are clearly communicated then go nuts. None of my business as far as I'm concerned.

No need for the childish "ewwww" or pious spouting about God or morality. It doesn't affect anyone else but those involved.

Came on to say exactly this! Sounds exhausting.

We’ve been swingers for the vast majority of our relationship (I was before we met, he wasn’t).

You’re very right not to bring it up if you know it’ll hurt your husband OP. We’ve seen many couples split up, or come very close to doing so, over the years because one of them has agreed to it without really wanting to. It’s a very quick way to destroy a relationship if it’s not a mutual thing, and even if it is mutual then when people have different ideas and boundaries it can be really problematic.