To tell her she needs to cancel?

[Chikapu]

My friend has sent me a message telling me she's coming to see me and that she's booked a hotel and flights. I didn't invite her, she's literally taken it upon herself to think that this is ok and that I'll drop everything to accommodate her.
I'm speechless at her cheek tbh and don't want her to come, would I be a bitch to tell her to cancel?

I can guarantee that this will be a friendship ender for her.

Surely that depends on how you go about the conversation? Not sure how she can object to: “it will be lovely to see you, but I wish you’d squared dates with me first! I’m already doing XX on YY days, and that can’t be cancelled. I can meet for dinner/drinks/whatever on ZZ day(s), though.”

Assuming you like this person and she’s a friend you’d like to keep. I agree that she should have checked with you beforehand, but I wouldn’t be particularly annoyed about this. I’d go about my business and see her when/if I could. However, it seems a bit like you’re upset by the principle more than anything else?

Why not just tell her that you are actually busy those days?

But she's not asking to stay with you- she has a hotel. I think this is nice!

I've seen her end relationships (even family ones) for less!

I wouldn't be friends with someone like this. Zero boundaries!!

I'd reply to her message saying 'Why have you done this without checking with me first?'

Agree with this. I don't think OP wants to see her friend at all, on principle because she didn't check first. Yes it's a bit presumptuous, but if she genuinely liked this woman and didn't want to lose her as a friend, OP would do what many many PPs have suggested and tell her friend what times/dates work for her.

But I suspect she won't do that because she doesn't really want to see the friend anyway and she would rather stomp her foot and lose the friendship than tell the friend when she can see her.

OP, she's a cheeky mare. No-one has the right to claim three days of your time at their convenience.

If you want to see her, tell her you're available on 'Wednesday afternoon', or whatever, but the rest of the time, you're busy. And stick to that, even if she tries to mess you around when she arrives.

If she wants to go off in a huff, let her.

Of course you are right @cstaff but OP's AIBU wasn't "is my friend unreasonable" - I'm sure most PP would agree she is! - but "should I tell her she needs to cancel."

With no update until page 6 about how or even if she responded.

Telling a FRIEND to cancel her trip - no matter how bonkers the mono-lateral booking was - instead of responding "I can't do the full 3 days you needed to have checked dates with me first you numpty!" seems disproportionate, especially given OP gave no background or further info about her response.

Madness that she thinks you can just drop everything to spend time with her. What if you'd already booked a holiday for the same week?!

Do you want to see her? If so, carve out the time that you want to spend with her, tell her now that that's the only time you're available, and that next time she really needs to check with you first before she books something.

If you don't want to see her at all, you'll just have to say "no, sorry, that doesn't work for me". If you don't want to see her, then she's not that good a friend to you and you shouldn't feel too guilty about the fuss that she'll make - it's all of her own doing after all!

I know right? I guess it depends which way the wind is blowing on how people respond to these things.
It seems I should be massively grateful that she's coming without even a conversation to surprise me.

Why even be friends with someone as petty as that then? Seems like it'll be a weight off if she cuts you off for saying you can't devote 3 full days to her 💁

You're going to have to tell her that she has taken you by surprise and you have some important appointments that you cannot move or cancel, so have no/virtually no time. Tell her you feel bad about saying this but you have looked at your schedule and there is nothing you can do. Perhaps then make some suggestions as to what she could do or better still postpone her trip to when you are available.

YANBU in the slightest, OP.

It's not in any way normal to be steam rollered by friends in this way.

It's so rude to just announce a visit and expect you to be free.

You haven't said if you actually have plans for that weekend. She'll want you to entertain her constantly but that doesn't mean you have to. Tell her you'd love to meet her for dinner / shopping / museum or whatever you want but you have to do XYZ so won't be with her the whole time.

I have literally seen threads on here about how lonely people are as they have no close friends or family, people on here at Christmas very sad at spending Christmas alone, birthdays etc.

OP - okay she hasn’t checked with you and I can imagine that’s irritating. But for Christ sake get some perspective, see instead of spending your time(wasting it) being outraged. Look at the positives that you have a friend who has/is travelling to visit you.

Yes absolutely put boundaries in place that you aren’t free the whole time but unless you hate this so called friend I’m still really struggling to see the issue. Yes not ideal that she’s just thrown these dates on you but you’ve admitted you are free but don’t want to be to purely get one over your friend.

She sounds very presumptuous, taking for granted that you will drop everything for 3 days. You aren't being unreasonable.

Not read the full thread but have read the OPs responses.

How long would you say the travel time is OP and how much warning has she given you? Is she coming next weekend? Next month? April?

But you still haven’t told us whether it is actually inconvenient and you are genuinely not available and don’t have time, or whether you are just annoyed at her assumption.

Just tell us!

It affects the response.

You say she's staying in a hotel so it would be unreasonable to 'tell her to cancel'. But it would be reasonable to tell her you won't be able to meet up with her as you're busy, and let her decide whether she still wants to visit your city.

Don't worry OP, I would fee absolutely the same as you. In no way would I accept this. I would definitely be saying that it's not convenient and that she should have checked the dates with you first. Although they won't admit it, I very much doubt that someone would be happy with that expectation sprung on you. Unless they have zero going on in their lives.

It is inconvenient yes, she's booked for midweek on the same days my husband has off work as his weekend. We have plans to see friends as it's the week before Christmas.
I am also I will admit very annoyed at her assumption, as most people would be if they were being honest.

Just say then, that you are away those days.

This is such a simple solution to your problem and it will maybe make her think twice about assuming things again.

YANBU OP

I used to live in Madrid and we would often get friends and family letting us know they were coming to visit without checking the dates with is first, and yes while they booked their own flights/hotels they were 100% booking with the expectation that we would spend time with them and it's the presumption that you can drop everything to accommodate their visit that is unreasonable.

95% of them understood that if they said "We are flying into Madrid for a week on XYZ dates!" with no prior warning/discussion of a visit then they would run the risk of us not being available for the whole time and we were happy to suggest things for them to do but couldn't always join them/guide them because we had our own commitments but there was about 5% who were scandalised that we didn't drop everything to host them the entire time.

I remember one pair of (now ex) friends who announced on a Monday that they were flying in that weekend and were expecting us to pick them up from the airport at 3pm Friday afternoon and then spend the whole weekend with them and drop them off at the airport on Monday lunchtime.

What they had failed to take in to account was that:

a) ExDH and I were both teachers who worked M-F 9-5 in our schools so couldn't take Friday afternoon and Monday morning off. We worked in the city centre and could possibly have managed to pick them up if they arrived at about 12/1pm as we had 1-3pm as our lunchtime so by the time they arrived, got luggage etc we could have hopped a taxi to the airport, picked them up and had a quick catch up in the 30ish minutes in the taxi from the airport back into the city centre to plan their weekend, drop them at their hotel, grabbed a sandwich for lunch and been back at work on time ... but it would have cost us about €80 in taxis

b) DD had booked activities Friday evening and Saturday morning which we weren't going to just cancel at short notice. If we'd had more notice we could have arranged a babysitter to pick DD up from her class on Friday and/or Saturday so we could have spent more time with them (loads of our neighbours had Au Pairs who were happy to do a bit of babysitting on Friday evening/weekends for a bit of extra spending money)

c) it was a friend's child's first holy communion on that Sunday which we had been invited to (FHC is a massive deal in Spain and was a whole day thing of the church service then going out of the city centre to a fancy place for dinner/drinks for the rest of the day) so we were not going to be available at all on the Sunday

When we informed them "Sorry the only times that we are available that weekend are the Friday evening and Saturday afternoon due to other commitments. Tell us if there's anything in particular you want to do, we'll let you know what's going on this weekend so you can make the most of your time. We'll make a reservation at one of our favourite restaurants for Friday night and then we can do something fun on Saturday afternoon" they were furious we weren't dropping everything to be at their beck and call ... Strangely after that weekend we didn't hear from them again.

‘Mate, I’d love to see you but I wish you’d checked the dates with me before booking - we’ve got plans for those days and they’re not moveable. We can see you for dinner/lunch* on X day but that’s it. Are you able to cancel and rebook for a date that suits us both?’

*as applicable