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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

603 replies

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 17:07

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

OP posts:
TeaAndJaffacakes · 16/11/2022 05:42

It’s probably not about the money and more about them desperately feeling the need to keep your son tied to France somehow.
Do something nice for your son in the UK to mark the christening and insist you and your husband buy him a christening gift he can actually keep.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/11/2022 06:14

If I was the gift giver and saw it at the ILs house Id feel sad I hadn't gotten something you'd like. I really can't see them being happy their gift got left behind. Grab it on your way out. The only thing unreasonable in your OP is that you're planning to ask, don't ask it's not a question it's your son's not theirs.

jackstini · 16/11/2022 06:21

Can you pull a religious angle as it was a Christening?
Thou shalt not steal MIL!

Seriously - she is batshit crazy and agree you cannot budge on this

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/11/2022 06:31

Take the presents, leave the husband.

WifeMotherWorker · 16/11/2022 06:35

Wow what bizarre behaviour by the IL!!! Being custodians of the gifts… is this a cultural or religious,? The cannot cherry pick the nicest most expensive gifts to keep for themselves, does that mean you parents can help themselves to items gifted to your son from their side of the family?!?
YANBU at all. You have a DH problem! He needs to step up and pull rank.

Iwonder08 · 16/11/2022 06:41

Is there any way you can arrange a visit from a godfather and other gift givers? Would be very handy to publicly, in front of your husband and ILs thank them again for the very generous gifts and such a shame you are not allowed to take them home given it is ' a local tradition'.

NotAnotherCrisis · 16/11/2022 06:47

I would say to them all, husband included, when they are together, "I can't force you to give the gifts back but they were gifted to DS so belong to DS. If you keep them you are stealing off your own grandchild. My suitcase is here and I'll be out for an hour if you want to give them back to him".

I think it's utterly outrageous and indicative of your relationship to come. That your DH won't stand up for his own child is really sad.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 16/11/2022 07:04

They’re thieves, plain and simple.

Magicandtragic · 16/11/2022 07:08

You’re mistake was letting them “insist “ you hold the baptism there. How did that even happen ?
now they think they can do what they like.

Deathraystare · 16/11/2022 07:14

Take the frame and everything else, leave the wet hen of a husband there. Maman would love him back!

tara66 · 16/11/2022 07:16

Call in the gendarmes - tell them your baby has been robbed!
Alternatively arrange for ILs to be assessed for Alzheimer's!

HangingOver · 16/11/2022 07:18

They want to keep in THEIR family just in case you split up and divorce

This. They don't see you as part of their family.

tara66 · 16/11/2022 07:18

Also show DH this thread!

ReneBumsWombats · 16/11/2022 07:19

Capturetotalelotion · 15/11/2022 22:57

I would just let them have the gifts. They are just things, you have your DS. It’s not worth getting stressed about. They all sound horrible, I would just let it go and leave with your dignity intact. He

What's undignified about taking your baby's baptism gifts home with your baby?

If that's undignified, you can tar and feather me and put me on I'm a Celebrity because dignity is stupid. Take your baby's gifts home. They belong to him. Allez!

Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

OP posts:
NotAnotherCrisis · 16/11/2022 07:26

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

I think your DH is missing the point! It's not a case of giving it back, they're your son's, for him. People don't get turns on presents. Maybe for Christmas you should give your DH a wonderful present but let all your own family have a turn keeping it first.

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 16/11/2022 07:33

If they're displaying it, you can take it easily. Pick it up, put it in your case and be done with it!

CourtneeLuv · 16/11/2022 07:36

They shouldn't need to be trusted trusted to give it back, they shouldn't have it in the first place.

Hellno44 · 16/11/2022 07:37

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

I'd tell him I'm disappointed at his distrust in me and the longevity of the relationship. Clearly they want to secure the gifts because they think you'll divorce and keep your son and the gifts. Ultimately they are his gifts and should therefore stay with him.

LaVieestBelleNestCePas · 16/11/2022 07:39

@OctaviaWS12 Hello, lived in france several years-(was) married to Frenchman.
Not cultural, expensive and probably beautiful gift. It belongs to your child. Not the in-laws.
take the frame-and the rest. Go home. Put foot down. I would not set foot in that house again. Serious talk with DH. He needs to be independent of his own parents and look after his family better. That means supporting you and ensuring his children and you are safe. No one should have to deal with this rubbish let alone rubbish caused by his family. He needs to ‘get’ that concept. If he doesn’t marriage on rocks, lots of tears and unhappy kids. Best of luck. Not going to be easy given the way DH was raised.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/11/2022 07:43

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

Hurray for emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it. Guilt tripping is so transparent.

I wouldn't believe it no matter what and anyway it's not the point. Give them back when? They're his gifts!

I agree with PPs that your husband is a serious problem. Don't give in to this and don't let him or his nasty family guilt trip you. The gifts belong to your son. Take them home.

tara66 · 16/11/2022 07:46

Tell DH you have 99% of 1500 people on MN agreeing with you! This will go to the Mail or Mirror for sure!

Fireballxl5 · 16/11/2022 07:47

My advice is to remain in the UK from now on.
If your dh is working in France and your marriage breaks down you’ll not get your dc back to the UK easily.
Tread carefully, french culture is very patriarchal.

LavenderfortheBees · 16/11/2022 07:48

But WHY do they need to keep them? Why can't you both be trusted? Is he saying he himself cannot be trusted around his son's possessions?

billy1966 · 16/11/2022 07:48

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

Pure manipulation OP.

You need to say back to him how "disappointed" YOU are after travelling so the baptism could be in THEIR home that they have caused such terrible upset.

Do not be manipulated.