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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

603 replies

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 17:07

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:49

Ha ha with the daily mail article ! Would be hilarious if they saw it

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 16/11/2022 07:50

Go home as soon as you can. I’d not be spending another second with these people. Take photos of the gifts that the in laws have kept. Contact the gift givers to see if they can get the gifts back and then re give them to your child. Follow all the advice re passports etc.

Hellno44 · 16/11/2022 08:11

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 21:34

No he’s not usually aggressive, however if he is it usually always comes back to something he has been ‘instructed’ to do by his mother. Which, if anything, is worse.
i agree that perhaps she feels I have stolen him, as he is an only child. However, he arguably spends more time with her than with me as he is most of the time working in France.
I just don’t know how to move forward. Feel so hurt for my daughter and the relationship is a bit damaged

Maybe they know something you don't know about this relationship.

Also, when he is working in France does he live with them? Maybe it's him wanting to keep his sons gifts in his home. If he is there more than with you.

PotentiallyPolly · 16/11/2022 08:16

Well you did marry into a French family, not sure what else you expected!

Fireballxl5 · 16/11/2022 08:22

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

What about their distrust of you? The dc’s mother.
Charming.

TenTonTune · 16/11/2022 08:24

You are justified in feeling hurt, undermined and less secure than pre christening.
Perhaps your DH is feeling he can't be trusted by his parents to create a home, that he's still a child who's parents need to keep things nice? But it's coming out as anger towards you.

For your own sanity, it's just stuff, stuff you'll have to move, look after and won't love you back. It's not as important as time and memories with your child. Forget stuff, reject stuff. Trust me you'll be back here in ten years asking if YABU to ditch stuff the baby doesn't remember. But I do think baby gifts are a huge marker to parents about how life has changed so quickly and fundamentally which is why this hurts.

Instead think about your futures, plans A, B & C, time to push aside the baby fog and get really organised about what you want and how to achieve that and have everything organised in case that doesn't work out.

Good luck!

holrosea · 16/11/2022 08:25

I live in France and out of curiosity I just checked if it is a traditional thing for a Godmother/father or Grandparent to keep hold of gifts for the baby and I FOUND NO SUCH REFERENCE.

All of the blurb about baptism gifts such as medals, engraved communion cups, bracelets, etc., is that the token serves as a reminder to the child as they grow that their Godmother/father will accompany them through their lives. In absence of a lived memory of the day - what with being a baby - the gift serves as a physical reminder to the child of the committment made.

I did not find a single reference to Grandparents keeping anything safe or keeping a reminder of the day.

Fireballxl5 · 16/11/2022 08:26

PotentiallyPolly · 16/11/2022 08:16

Well you did marry into a French family, not sure what else you expected!

I’m on a lot of french sm groups and if I’ve learned one thing it’s don’t marry a french man unless you want to be a 50’s housewife, they’re dinosaurs compared to Brits and that’s a pretty low bar!

plinkypots · 16/11/2022 08:46

I married a French man and his parents kept some of the picture frames from the baptism and put photos of the day in them. It never occurred to me to get upset about it. The kids like seeing the photos when they visit. I yet to meet a small child who cherishes a picture frame. Keeping the baptism medal is a lot stranger as that is meant to go with the child.

Fleurdaisy · 16/11/2022 08:52

user73 · 15/11/2022 17:11

I’d say “of course - however I will take them all home with me initially since I will be taking pictures of DC at home with each of the gifts and sending them with the thank you cards. Then we can sort out what will live where.”

then just keep them - thriving so and sos

This. Genius idea.

Santagiveyoursackawash · 16/11/2022 08:55

Tell him you are disappointed he made vows to you but is supporting the thieves in stealing from his own dc.

Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 08:56

its the principle behind it that has upset me so much and how they were so insisting to keep the things ‘so they could enjoy them’ without consideration for their grandson. They also want to keep a gold pin from his aunt ‘as it’s his granny’s sister’ so means a lot to her to keep it with her. Strange how it’s also another gold item too…

OP posts:
LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 16/11/2022 09:02

Well that's theft isn't it? They belong to your child, with the obvious custodian being you. Nip this in the bud or they will be CFs for your child's entire childhood and beyond.

2pinkginsplease · 16/11/2022 09:03

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

I’d be telling dh that you are very disappointed that he would rather please his parents who are stealing his child’s gifts than please his wife and child,

im afraid he is showing his true colours.

pantsville · 16/11/2022 09:04

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

It’s irrelevant really whether they “give it back” or not; it’s wrong for them to just claim the items in the first place. Reminds me of when kids say “I was going to put it back” when caught pinching something!

What happened to them saying you’d “decide together” anyway?

ThreeblackCats · 16/11/2022 09:07

Out of pettiness, I’d post the in-laws a box of outgrown toys and clothes, and suggest they like looking after dc stuff so much that they should have everything.
rinse and repeat with everything he outgrows until they get the message!
but there again I’m spiteful and petty cow.

Unusually · 16/11/2022 09:07

The only reason I can think for this odd behaviour is that they think you- might sell it all. Would they have any reason to think that (as daft as it may sound)? My ex partner’s mother is batshit but I don’t think she’d stoop so low as to pilfer gifts that were intended for the kids. Quite the opposite.

Caiti19 · 16/11/2022 09:08

Your OP refers to your darling son, but you said above "Feel so hurt for my daughter and the relationship is a bit damaged". Do you have a son or a daughter?

Bookworm20 · 16/11/2022 09:08

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.

So its basically only the gifts that have financial value they want to keep.....
So its not about sentiment at all then really is it.

I'd be saying to your DH that actually you are very 'disappointed’ in his ‘distrust’ for YOU! They are saying you are not responsible enough to look after these valuable gifts for your DS. And that is the sole reason they are keeping them.

I'd certainly put my foot down, as hard as it will be as seems you are on your own on this one. Tell him the gifts will be kept for DS at YOUR home, and you would like to display the photo frame in YOUR home so that DS and the two of you, as his parents, can enjoy it everyday.

If he does not back you up on this, then any future events in DS life or for any future DC will NOT be happening in France. End of.

apalershadeoflight · 16/11/2022 09:09

The MIL sounds more gold-grabby than sentimental and bereft, on balance.

The more I read, the angrier I feel on your behalf. It very much sounds like they're using the cultural/traditional argument to get their own way. It took a long time for me to realise that, in my own situation, this was a form of bullying. I can guarantee that they wouldn't be trying to pull this stunt if their son had married a nice local Catholic French girl. They wouldn't dream of it.

Your dh needs to read this thread. Or the inevitable dm article that will surely follow.

KarenOLantern · 16/11/2022 09:12

My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it.

How bizarre. I think it's more likely that the gift-giver would be slightly put out that the intended recipient of the gift doesn't get to enjoy it, and that you and your husband didn't appreciate it enough to want it in your house.

When I was a child my granny had a couple of valuable gifts for me and my sister that she insisted on keeping at her house until we grew up. But in that case it was because they were fragile and could break easily (and she was absolutely right: my mum takes no care over things and they would definitely have ended up broken.)

FWIW I am also married to a Frenchman from a devoutly Catholic family and his parents never once even hinted that they wanted to keep any of the baptism gifts, so I don't think it is "a French thing", to all those suggesting it is.

billy1966 · 16/11/2022 09:16

This shows huge character IMO.

I would not trust these people and I certainly would be wary of any dishonesty going forward.

What if you had a falling out with your husband and he refused to allow any children return to the UK, and wanted them to remain with him?

When people show such blatant dishonesty in one area, it shows you disordered thinking.

This is not normal behaviour and going forward if you were my daughter I would advise you to be wary and cautious.

Especially as your husband is clearly so vulnerable to being manipulated by them and himself has such poor judgement.

Get home safely and have a think.

Make sure the baby being baptised there doesn't bestow any rights and that he is fully registered as a UK citizen.

I have no wish to alarm you but I think this is very strange behaviour and NOT normal.

gebrokendochter · 16/11/2022 09:18

OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 07:22

My DH is now saying he’s very ‘disappointed’ in my ‘distrust’ for his parents, and the fact that I would doubt how they would never give it back to their grandchild.
i would believe this if they weren’t displaying it in their house !!

And there we go! OP your MIL must be the long-lost twin sister of my (batshit french) mother! My commiserations.

Ok, so keeping the medal and chain; there's a tiny bit of a cultural thing here, it's common I think for GPs to OFFER to look after them for safekeeping, on the basis that they're considered so precious and it's one last thing to look after in a young/busy household. The fact that she didn't offer so much as back you into a moral battle about it is 1)Rude 2)batshit. The silver frame, no reason whatsoever.
So she is:
-Making a non-issue into a hill to die on;
-ruining a happy event for memories evermore;
-clinging to the moral high ground whilst doing something insane;
-questioning your integrity as she's robbing you
-And cherry on the cake, your DH is supporting her?

Your DH's had decades of going along with her behaviour and wants you to get into the fold.
@OctaviaWS12 here's a great metaphor for this situation. Your family is on a boat and your MIL is rocking the boat, everyone has to work super hard to keep that boat steady. Except your MIL, she can rock that boat as hard as she wants, no consequences for her. If the boats capsizes, it's not MIL's fault, it's yours or everyone else's, you should do better. No on's throwing MIL off the boat, everyone just keep working harder.
Get off that fucking boat OP, take your DS and DS's presents with you and never ever give an inch to your MIL, this is just the start.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 16/11/2022 09:21

So, are you keeping the gifts or are they?

Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 09:22

I did think that they thought I might sell the things for my own gain - as if!! But , to put it honestly, I am the breadwinner(not to sound cringe!) . my mil is a raging snob (the worst kind as she pretends to be nice to their faces!) so perhaps it’s an issue if she doesn’t think my family has the ‘history’ her husband’s does. Still bloody weird.
also I gave up everything for my son (as all mothers do) yet she can’t even really be bothered to see him most of the time. So the keeping gifts struck even worse.

OP posts: