In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

Agree that this is batshit.

It's is the kind of stunt my MIL used to try to pull.

In my case she felt that I had stolen her son away from her (she actually said that on our wedding day), and I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing is going on here.

You've 'stolen' her son and grandchild so she wants to keep the gifts as a proxy. I expect she feels entitled to do this if your dc spends more time with your own parents.

And I bet your dh feels guilty about not living closer to them which is why he's going along with this.

It doesn't justify what she has done in any way, and doesn't make him any less spineless, but doesn't perhaps explain it.

How is your French and their English? Can you communicate directly or does your dh have to translate?

I don't know if it's true but an Asian friend told us years ago that MILs tried this on and often the gold 'given' to a DIL is usually the other DIL's jewellry that was being kept in a safe place.

I'd run screaming from any man who uses the word 'disrespectful'.

It implies you are somehow subservient and says a great deal about the type of man he is. Never did one word have so many red flags attached to it. 'Cunt' I'd let fly, if it was said in the heat of an extreme argument, with a strong injunction not to speak to me that way. 'Disrespectful' would have me examining the very fabric of my relationship.

Oh holy fuck!
mandness.
i would be a notch and message both gift givers and ask if the gifts were for your child or the parents. And then ask them publicly or share the gifts or say the in-laws have kept them. Your DH is shit

Invite the fuckers to yours for Christmas and keep all their gifts.

The obvious downside of this is unfortunately having to spend Christmas with them.

I hate to be alarmist, but is there any chance that somehow your iLs have been given the idea/formed the impression/made up the whole idea that your marriage could be on 'shaky ground'? Maybe they're thinking that they want to keep those things to be sure they end up with their son and not their 'ex' DiL?

I'd wait til everyone is asleep the night before departure then round the gifts up and lock them in my suitcase. Then I'd disavow any knowledge of their whereabouts. Then I'd get in a huff and take a taxi to the airport.

No he’s not usually aggressive, however if he is it usually always comes back to something he has been ‘instructed’ to do by his mother. Which, if anything, is worse.
i agree that perhaps she feels I have stolen him, as he is an only child. However, he arguably spends more time with her than with me as he is most of the time working in France.
I just don’t know how to move forward. Feel so hurt for my daughter and the relationship is a bit damaged

It keeps autocorrecting to daughter!!

Ah, how Christian of them in their behaviour 🙄

Im not sure if they think the marriage is on shaky grounds, we haven’t really ever had any serious arguments before. This has been our worst one.
and, as many people on the post said, it’ll only get worse if I don’t put my foot down.
i agree with the sentiment about the marriage, still strange to keep the gifts of the baptism. As, at the end of the day, our poor son has nothing to do with a divorce and is still entitled to the gifts. Beyond belief!

However the issue with the gifts resolves, please keep your sons passport in your possession when you get back to the UK.

Exactly this.

Hi Octavia,

The pendant is probably your child’s “médaille de baptème”. It’s not unusual for a child, as an adult, to wear their médailles de baptème regularly. I have a colleague who wears her médailles permanently. I remember another friend recounting how an acquaintance had been mugged and the assailant had made off with her médaille de baptème. If is gold, it is likely worth 300 euros (or more) (see link).

Your child should definitely have their medal, not least because the original purpose of such a medal is to protect your baby, keep him/her safe in God’s love. The idea is that the child wears the medal (or keeps it in his room/home, I suppose, to keep God present, providing protection. Or in secular/modern terms, it’s a kind of charm and token of the love and protection given to the child by his godfather. A medal that is not with the intended wearer can’t do its job!

Here’s a link to a site selling the various brands and styles of medals.
Médailles de baptème

That's bonkers!!! The gifts are for your dc, and come home with you.

At Christmas, why not give your ILs a gift then say it has to stay in your house, and see what they say...

Agree. I'm sorry but this is a wake up call. 💐

I would just let them have the gifts. They are just things, you have your DS. It’s not worth getting stressed about. They all sound horrible, I would just let it go and leave with your dignity intact. He

Your in-laws are bonkers and so is your dh.

For Christmas and birthdays, why don't you get them some lovely gifts and then inform them that you're the custodians of the gifts and are keeping them in your house as mementos.

however, he was very aggressive in the thought of me taking it. And considered it extremely disrespect that I didn’t ask his parents what to do with the gifts first.

He’s a Mummy’s Boy, isn’t he? And now he’s shitting himself that Maman will be cross and upset with him, and you, if you do not do what the matriarch commands (and let her keep all the valuables).

How very unattractive.

He’s stuck in the role of Child with his mother, even though he’s a grown man, and will get angry with you to pull you back into line if you look like you’re threatening not to play the game.

So he wants you to play the child role too. And not take on the parent role to your own child. Not thinking through (because this is unconscious for him) that this leaves his own son in the lurch.

Son daughter
no autocorrect. I’m confused!

Really agree with this, especially having read your last few posts.

His mask has slipped.

Be very wary OP.

Honestly? I'd be threatening to call the police and report them for theft. Genuinely

Wtf?! You're advising OP to be a doormat and just enable this behaviour? Where do you draw the line? Full on abuse?

Yeah, I would pissed about the frame but I would be absolutely on fire about the baptismal medal. That is between him and his godfather. I wouldn’t let that one go. I feel like there some lines in life that shouldn’t be crossed and that is one.

Tell your DH to nique sa mère, and get them christened in the Church of England for your own round of gifts

I love this! I’d be buying lovely food, champagne, maybe some nice jewellery every year and just…keeping it.