In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

Do you have the details of all the people you invited/ bought gifts. I would write them all a thank you note and tell them that unfortunately the gifts have been confiscated by your in laws but thank them for their sentiments. Sounds like MIL will hate this the most and will call her out. You don’t need to involve your husband. Once you get this sorted I would walk away from the lot of them. It will save you a world of pain and stop you wasting years when you have seen their true colours.

I'm so sorry that your husband and his parents have treated you like this. I'd definitely tell him not to bother coming back unless he brings your SON'S gifts. I'd also tell the in-laws that either they return the gifts or they never see him again. How interesting that they only want to 'look after' the gold and silver items.

Hi OP, I've read a lot of threads on MN, but very rarely commented. Your post however, caused me to have some of the strongest feelings, I think I've ever felt on here. I'm so upset and angry for you and your poor DS.

How utterly disgusting your in laws and husband are behaving. Gaslighting and belittling you, and stealing from a baby. How low can you get!

I'd message the gift givers and tell them the gifts were kept from your DS and stolen from your case, despite you pleading to take them home. I really wouldn't hold back.

As for your husband, I feel this paves the way for what's to come in the future. I'd tell him never to darken my door again unless he returned every single one of DS gifts and started to support me as his wife. Good luck OP.

It sounds like your in laws will be pleased to have created this argument between you and your DH. It’s about power and control, protect yourself. I’d be getting legal advice now, in case you need it later.

I second what others say - keep the birth certificate, passport and other documents for DS away from your H. Maybe at your parents, but where he cant get them. Just in case - you are the custodian of your DS after all!

this Is so bizarre - what use do they have for child’s christening gifts? How are they going to use a napkin ring engraved with his name that doesn’t match any others without it looking odd?

they have shown you who they are and your husband has done the same. What you do with that information is up to you.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive this and would divorce him and report his parents to police.

I can assure you the gendarmes would not support a British woman complaining of theft by her french family. Also as the dh has equal pr and would undoubtedly support his parents then it would be deemed that the gifts were given by the dh to his parents.

@PookyToots I agree, wholeheartedly, with everything you have said.

@OctaviaWS12 I know how I would feel in this scenario, I hope you can return home asap and give serious thought to this situation. As for your ‘D’H, he is showing you what he is. Take note and act to protect yourself and your DS from his twisted and misaligned loyalties.

I've heard and put up with some shit in my time, but this takes le biscuit.

You sound like you're pretty well set up in terms of income and support without him, I'd take the perspective that it's cost you some gold and silver baptism gifts to find out who you're married to and who his family are.

He's not your partner. He doesn't see you as one.

Whether or not you can stay married to this person, is up to you. You would be completely reasonable to end the relationship, let him stay in France with his parents and the gifts.

Madness. Insist on your son having his gifts in his own home. Get DH to speak to his crazy Mum & Dad. Let them take photos of gifts before you take them home.

Everyone advising the OP to walk away from/divorce her husband, please remember both the OP (and presumably her own parents) and her husband and family are practicing Catholics, so it's not that simple.... even though it would probably be best for OP to get out of this relationship where DH chooses to back his parents' bizarre behaviour, and belittle and gaslight his wife (who was ill and has a new baby!! Talk about kicking someone when they're down). Because clearly it's more about that than the actual gifts.

OP, can you discuss openly with your parents and your own priest? Tell them the whole truth, don't protect your husband.

Wow. What is WRONG with these people?!

I'd be broadcasting it far and wide that you were not "allowed" to bring your child's gifts home with you. I'd send thank you notes to everyone who attended making it clear they were kept at the outlaws house against your wishes. And some even physically blocked from you and removed from your case etc and that your upset for your son that he won't grow up with these items around him.

I'd not be staying married to a "man" like this. He didn't have your or your child's back here. Just awful!

It's not about the monetary value of the gifts.

It's the fact that they were gifted to OP's son, by people who presumably care about him and wanted him to have them, and they are being kept from him (the sentimental meaning is much more important than the monetary value).

It's the fact that the ILs and DH were patronising, controlling, unpleasant, and showed utter disrespect for the OP.

I agree with this OP. Also sounds like your inlaws are quite wealthy and consider themselves superior as they insist on their ways without any consideration of you and your family, when you and your family do more for the child than your dh and his parents.

It's not about the gift as such, more about them not seeing you as a family.

How is your relationship with dh otherwise?

Showing support and being a partnership is NOT about introducing you to all his friends etc. It is about working together, supporting each other and listening to each other, compromising and finding a way through together. None of which appears to be what you are experiencing in this relationship!

Now ...you are Catholic. I assume that you may be unable to contemplate Divorce, and anyway he wouldn't agree to it to you would have to wait some time to get it. Even if divorce is not something you wish to consider, you are the breadwinner and therefore you have some other choices you could make about your life moving forward wit your son! Is this relationship REALLY what you want? At the very least you need to start coming back at all the gas lighting from your husband...he is "disappointed" with you?? Who cares ...you are very much more than "disappointed" with him I suspect! And if he can say those things to you, then you can say them to him! And a lot more!

I would be inclined to let them keep the gifts. It is not worth the headspace. Instead, if they ever offer to host anything else on behalf of your ds (First Holy Communion, Confirmation, birthdays etc) - REFUSE. Tell your DH it is because you don't want a repeat of this again.

In this situation - the long-term will matter.

It would be so tasteless to write or inform the gift givers of the fact that your in-laws are keeping certain gifts . I would assume that most of the people present were either family or friends of your in-laws. None of these people are likely to want to be involved in your family squabbles. I would be quite off put to receive a letter or card of that type and would not think highly of someone who would write such a thing.

While it might be unusual for the grandparents to retain the gifts in their keep for your son, does it really matter that much? If is not as though these are items if clothing if toys that the child is going to outgrow. If his grandparents keep these items to give to him when he is older, has any harm really been done to the child?

This does not seem to be an issue worth creating family discord . it is not something that your son is going to miss , and in the unlikely event that he wants it later, he can always ask his dad or grandparents to give the item to him.

This would not be my line in the sand.

I want my sons gifts for his nursery- end of discussion

they are HIS gifts

@OctaviaWS12 why are you still with him if he spends more time in France than with you and his child?

Also, the fact someone stole napkin ring from your suitcase, and your husband says he is disappointed in you is very telling. Does he have no personal values? How can someone open your suitcase behind your back and sneak out items?

Forget about the gifts now and focus on their behaviour. They have shown their true colours and your husband is not able to see from your perspective in his loyalty and conformity to his family.

Ask the gift giver if it is ok to take home. Then your in laws cannot quibble!

and when i mean ask the gift givers , I mean explain the situation.

To be honest - I think I’d just let them keep it.
a silver photo frame isn’t worth the trouble especially if Dh is in agreement with them

Its really sad that they have done this. You have a list of who gave what don't you, for the thank you letters? Make sure the giver knows, one way or another, that your ds did not receive the gifts when you thank them. I am sure they will also be furious.
It isn't really about the gifts, is it. Its more about the way your in laws and husband are treating you.

Their momentos of the baptism are their memories of it and photographs. The gifts were not given to them so they should not keep any of them. Just pack them.