In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

I'm a MIL and I think its not in the least bit about tasteless! Its about right and wrong and the behaviour of the in-laws and DH is just wrong!

Is it possible that your husband honesty agreed with your in-laws? If a spouse truly disagrees with the position that their partner has taken, are they obligated to support a stance or position with which they do not agree simply because that is their partner's position?

Do you expect or require your partner to support you even when he does not think that you are in the right? Does he expect that of you? Do you each respect each other enough to recognize that you may situations in which you have differing opinions?

Does not agreeing with you make him a Momma's boy? Why can't he simply be a man who had a different opinion on how to best handle a particular situation?

In the course of a relationship there may be several occasions when you disagree on how a particular situation should be handled, will your belief always be that the only acceptable solution is when he agrees with your position? Neither of you should deny the other the right to have independent thoughts and opinions, and both of you should except and respect the other' s right to disagree.

@Mari9999 He agrees that the in-laws can steal his son's gifts? It is possible I suppose. But It would reveal some very strange beliefs.

@Mari9999 I would be interested to know if the DH thinks it is only his parents that can steal gifts, or if other family members can too?

Is it really much better if he 'honestly agreed'?

If he ‘honestly agreed’ doesn’t this make him somebody with some quote odd and skewed thinking and values?

But, frankly, it’s far more likely he’s till a little mummy’s boy too under the thumb/in the FOG to dare to gainsay the matriarch. As most people on the thread read it as.

@OctaviaWS12 I’m sorry to say this but your husband is gaslighting you and I’ll highlight one of the many instances you bought up as to why I think this:

‘He also now said his parents had nothing to do with it, and it was HIS idea to let them keep it. I don’t believe it considering the way they acted when I opened it and after. Don’t know what to think!’

And then…

‘He says we should have chosen what to do as a team and not me just taking the presents with baby (as one would assume!)’

Where was this team when it was his own idea for his parents to keep the presents? Or was that a lie, actually it wasn’t his idea and he was taking some of the heat off his parents immature, nutty behaviour and making it seem as though you are the one who is immature, nutty?

He doesn’t think of you and him as a team, especially not where his parents are concerned. Their actions are utterly disrespectful - please don’t let any of them manipulate you into thinking that this is the other way around.

The pettiness in me would not be sending any of them Christmas presents, and would simply say I’ve got you gifts ;) but I’ll be holding onto them for safe keeping!

@Mari9999 A couple can of course not agree on everything, but what she’s highlighted is that her husband didn’t even discuss this situation with her at all. He has made it very clear to her, it’s his/parents way or the highway with no opportunity for her to discuss her opinions on the matter at all. Considering he said that this was all his idea, he should’ve said to her ‘I’ve been thinking, wouldn’t be a safer option for my parents to look after these gifts for safe keeping? What are your thoughts’ or ‘My family has a tradition of keeping sentimental heirlooms until the child turns 18, I thought that would it would be a lovely idea for them to include our son in that tradition? I know we don’t live in France so he won’t see it often, so let me know how you feel about this idea?’

Gifts are intended for the recipient, and had she been informed about what they had intended with these gifts this prior to the baptism - and with an open discussion rather than hostility - I think she’d probably still not agree with their actions, but would try to be accepting and understanding and potentially come to a compromise if needed. She’s not in the wrong here, the husband and his family are.

Ugh.

You're young. Get rid & you'll meet a real man who is supportive of his wife. And not the product of a den of thieves.

You missed out the part where they should discuss it in the first place and reach an agreement or compromise, not get presented with a done deal and be aggressive about it.

Fairly important part of being in a relationship I would have thought. Interesting that you don't.

Well, if you are a practicing Catholic (follow all Church rules), and even if you are only a loosely practicing Catholic (mainly follow the traditions and the cultural part) then it's difficult to live out a Catholic marriage if one party (the man, in this case) has divided loyalties between his wife and his parents. As a Catholic, there's not much of an exit ramp. If you divorce, you can't remarry in the Church. It's hard. I think that's why it's so important to prioritise the marriage over the relationships with parents. And if he is truly Catholic, he should feel the same: he should be worried about his wife and about the health of his marriage, not about whether his mum feels like the most important person in his life.

Why does he spend so much time in France? This doesn't seem very good for the marriage. (You're not going to move to France, right? That would really take away your ability to defend yourself!)

What does your parish priest think of all of this? I would expect a priest to tell a husband that his wife needs to be his top priority.

I think the thing that concerns me is that this is just ONE (albeit major) incident. But it certainly is NOT going to be the last. There are 'millions' of decisions that a couple will make during their lifetime, little and big, from 'what colour do we paint the bathroom' to 'where shall DC go to school'. At this point, it's pretty obvious that this man's parents are going to be a MAJOR influence on him in the years to come. It's not going to be easy to deal with.

I have read your comments only so someone may have said this but do you know the people well enough to write and thank them for the gift and drop into the letter that your in-laws have decided to keep the gift which you are wondering if this is a French tradition?? They would hopefully be horrified and tell your in-laws to pass gift on to your child as intended

Tell DH that if the frames stay he can stay too, the present was given to your child it goes with him end of. Tell hubby yer supposed to be a team and you expect him to have your back at all times

I'd find something that means another to him and give it to my parents or the furthest away family member I had

See the more I think about this, the more the bit that gets me is that they actually felt entitled to go through your luggage without you knowing and removed things leaving you crying. That's really abusive behaviour and if your dh can't see that then I'd really worry about what else he thinks is acceptable.

Sounds to me as if whatever his parents say is acceptable, IS acceptable to him.

As I said in my post above, this is going to be a lifetime issue involving many decisions to come.

It's one thing for the parents of a couple to express their 'opinions'. Even the best and loveliest parents/iLs can overstep that mark now and again. Quite normal and easily dealt with. But these parents apparently issue 'commandments' akin to the stone tablets brought down from Mt Sinai and their son regards them as such. Not something I'd choose to live with.

Whatever you do, don't ever let your DH take your son to France by himself.

I just read your posts and this one stood out - you are the main breadwinner, young and have a supportive family. Can you get childcare and get back to work. Ignore your dh, you don’t need his help and he needs to be shown that you can manage fine. An idea / Your in laws are not to step foot in your house, that you pay the most for, ever. If they visit they can stay in a hotel at their own expense. Make sure this is clear to them as your leave their place. If you can stay somewhere else now take your son and stay somewhere better for him. I bet the in-laws hated the fact that you had a well paid job higher than their son. Rub their nose in this fact.

Agree with @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Bin off the lot of them, nasty thieving liars!

I would expect my OH to not support his parents going through my suitcase and filtching my sons personal items. Jeez....what is the point of being married if you are going to just leave your DW at the mercy of your unscrupulous parents and ignore her plea's for support? thats not a DH its a mummies boy...

Solonge, I think the husband had no problem with his parents keeping certain items for his son. I doubt that he thought that his parents were stealing. As they went to his parents country to have the Baptism. It is quite possible that the gifts came from his relatives or friends of his parents. None of the items seemed to be anything that an infant would have a need for anytime soon. So if the grandparents wanted to keep the items for their grandson, I don't see a huge problem. The OP does no state that her in-laws have ever stolen anything from them at any other time. It is doubtful that they chose this moment to engage in theft.

I agree that most parents would not necessarily opted to " retain custody " of those items, but their son does not seem to think that they are attempting to steal anything.
All of this has nothing to do with the issue of partners or spouses having the right to have differing opinions and no obligation to support a position with which they disagree.

I think both the OP and the MIL should be ashamed to bring acrimony into a family relationship over what are essentially trinkets even if they are somewhat pricey trinkets. Neither the OP or the MIL seems to put a high value on the family relationship if they are willing to damage the relationship over some trinkets that will probably just collect dust no matter where they are kept. Shame on both of them.

I agree with Mari999. Talk of stealing seems highly overwrought to me. I imagine their line of thought is the kid won't give a shiny shite about the gifts for a couple of decades so keep them at his holiday home.

But the OP asked them to return them and they said no and blocked her from entering the room to get them. I doubt the in-laws see themselves as people who have stolen from a child, but that's exactly what they have done. It's not really subjective at this point.

PP who said the OP should be ashamed is ridiculous. Why should the OP be ashamed for asking for for own child's belongings.

Totally agree with this.

The grandparents didn't steal all of the baptism gifts - only the gold and silver presents. Including one they searched through the OP's suitcase to find. Nothing to do with teamwork or tradition or sentimental value at all.