Page 22 | In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

OctaviaWS12 · 2022-11-15T17:07:04+00:00

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

RampantIvy · 17/11/2022 22:31

What does he not understand about christeneing gifts being for the baby and not for the grandparents?

Booklover3 · 17/11/2022 22:39

Mari9999 · 17/11/2022 10:59

It would be so tasteless to write or inform the gift givers of the fact that your in-laws are keeping certain gifts . I would assume that most of the people present were either family or friends of your in-laws. None of these people are likely to want to be involved in your family squabbles. I would be quite off put to receive a letter or card of that type and would not think highly of someone who would write such a thing.

While it might be unusual for the grandparents to retain the gifts in their keep for your son, does it really matter that much? If is not as though these are items if clothing if toys that the child is going to outgrow. If his grandparents keep these items to give to him when he is older, has any harm really been done to the child?

This does not seem to be an issue worth creating family discord . it is not something that your son is going to miss , and in the unlikely event that he wants it later, he can always ask his dad or grandparents to give the item to him.

This would not be my line in the sand.

You’ve got to be the MIL. What’s tasteless is that they’ve stolen their grandchild’s presents!

carkerpatridge · 17/11/2022 22:46

Mari9999 Are you DH?

PottyDottyDotPot · 17/11/2022 22:48

Mari9999 enjoy all the gold and silver gifts you’ve stolen.

Sandia1 · 17/11/2022 22:48

What's the frame worth? Your husband is very odd to side with his parents on this. Take the frame and run!

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 17/11/2022 23:24

Ring the police. Its theft. That'll teach them to try it again.
If your husbands mad about that, who cares, he sounds like an arse anyway.

Show him this thread too.

alexdgr8 · 17/11/2022 23:57

go to the police

freefallingthruthisshit · 18/11/2022 00:06

Lilgamesh2 · 17/11/2022 11:55

Do you have a supportive family OP? If so, I'd have some fun with this.

Invite them for Christmas and have all your allies over. Take the piss of them non stop while they are there. When they are introduced to your friends have them say in front of them "these are the ones who stole DS's presents??" "Yup! Lock up your valuables haha". Every time a present is opened for DS say "careful PIL, it's not for you!" in a jokey way. Jokingly move DS's toys out of their reach throughout the day. For Xmas lunch use silverware - except for them, they get plastic cutlery ("So you won't be tempted to run off with it!"). Play that 'guess who' game with a name stuck to their forehead - make them bonnie and Clyde. Etc etc etc.

Public shaming here is the way to go. Enjoy it :)

I LOVE this... OP you sound lovely, as do your family, your PIL's and hubby however do not

WickedSerious · 18/11/2022 08:02

freefallingthruthisshit · 18/11/2022 00:06

I LOVE this... OP you sound lovely, as do your family, your PIL's and hubby however do not

Show quote history

They'd be Rose and Fred West if they played 'Guess Who' in my house.

IncompleteSenten · 18/11/2022 09:11

Mari9999 · 17/11/2022 10:59

It would be so tasteless to write or inform the gift givers of the fact that your in-laws are keeping certain gifts . I would assume that most of the people present were either family or friends of your in-laws. None of these people are likely to want to be involved in your family squabbles. I would be quite off put to receive a letter or card of that type and would not think highly of someone who would write such a thing.

While it might be unusual for the grandparents to retain the gifts in their keep for your son, does it really matter that much? If is not as though these are items if clothing if toys that the child is going to outgrow. If his grandparents keep these items to give to him when he is older, has any harm really been done to the child?

This does not seem to be an issue worth creating family discord . it is not something that your son is going to miss , and in the unlikely event that he wants it later, he can always ask his dad or grandparents to give the item to him.

This would not be my line in the sand.

If I gave a child a gift and went to see that child's relative and saw my gift in their home I would be hurt. I would rather know the relative was a twat than think my gift was rejected.

SafferUpNorth · 18/11/2022 09:28

OctaviaWS12 · 17/11/2022 21:44

Thank you again for the messages. In terms of the relationship, I am not sure where I stand. He refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing and says ‘I am sorry you feel hurt’ - ugh hate this phrase ! He says we should have chosen what to do as a team and not me just taking the presents with baby (as one would assume!). I have asked for an apology and now has just ignored the messages. Ugh!

"He says we should have chosen what to do as a team and not me just taking the presents with baby"

Throw this right back at him, OP. "More correctly... we should have chosen what to do as a team and not just you and your parents deciding to withhold baby's presents and remove them from my luggage!!"

OP, please be aware that you are being seriously gaslighted by this man. Being made out to be the baddie here when in fact he and his parents are. It's not going to improve, ever, and will only get worse during your marriage.

I realise as a Catholic it's very hard to contemplate divorce. But please use this unfortunate set of events to see him afresh for what he really is. He's not interested in your marriage as a partnership. You'll spend your life trying to fight this gaslighting. You are young enough to start again xxxx

ReneBumsWombats · 18/11/2022 09:37

God what a slimeball, pulling the whole "work as a team" thing after conspiring with his parents to steal your baby's gifts.

antelopevalley · 18/11/2022 09:40

Maybe you should go to Relate or other counselling? You can go alone.

He still can't see that this will have damaged your marriage.

2pinkginsplease · 18/11/2022 09:48

OctaviaWS12 · 17/11/2022 21:44

Thank you again for the messages. In terms of the relationship, I am not sure where I stand. He refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing and says ‘I am sorry you feel hurt’ - ugh hate this phrase ! He says we should have chosen what to do as a team and not me just taking the presents with baby (as one would assume!). I have asked for an apology and now has just ignored the messages. Ugh!

“Chosen what to do as a team and not just me taking the presents with baby”

common sense tells me that the gifts go home with the child.

if you can put this behind you and stay with your husband this situation would put me off returning to France, does your child not get to take any gifts home or will they be “custodians of all gifts” forevermore?

ButterCrackers · 18/11/2022 09:56

Are you in France now? Take photos of the gifts being kept by the in laws. Go to a local notary - this the equivalent of a solicitor. Ask them to draw up a document that states that your son is the owner of the items. That these gifts are being kept against your say so by your in laws. That the in laws acknowledge that they cannot sell or gift these items. That they are not part of any inheritance, to avoid any tax or import issues later, but are the property of your son. Your in laws can go to the local notary (hopefully it’s a small town) to sign this paper. Any problems ask the gift givers to confirm that their gifts were for your son not the in laws. This document will be kept by the notary.

antelopevalley · 18/11/2022 10:07

It is really important in a marriage that a partner learns to back their partner and children and put them before their parents.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 18/11/2022 10:07

Ooh that's a good idea.
Show them (and your husband) the photo of all the missing gifts that didn't even get opened to, and ask to add them onto the document. Then, say no more about it, knowing that they've got exactly what they want - they are custodians of the gifts - but that they still belong to your son (who won't care about a silver frame or gold pin for a very long time anyway)

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 18/11/2022 10:08

That was in response to @ButterCrackers

holrosea · 18/11/2022 10:13

OP - you previously said that your DH and his parents changed their behaviour when you fell pregnant, perhaps because they thought you'd need him more and wouldn't be able to walk away so easily. I am very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but many women on here and any domestic violence charity will tell you that pregnancy can be a trigger for controlling behaviour or the start of violence.

I am not saying that you specifically are in this situation, but it gives me chills to think that there was an assumption that, once pregnant, you'd be somehow dependent and he and his parents could then act however they liked.

I am glad that you have a supportive family and your parents see this madness for what it is. In your position, I think I would be considering my options and getting all and any paperwork sorted in case I decided that I wanted to separate or divorce.

I doubt that he will truly separate from his parents, he either colluded with them without consulting you or backed them up over you, however you slice it, and he has since tried to put you in the wrong by insulting him and disappointing him. Frankly, I'd have a very hard time wanting to reconcile with someone who held me in such low esteem. But you sound like you have your head screwed on and I wish you well.

Jimzle · 18/11/2022 10:21

Your husband is steam rolling you and using gaslighting techniques to invalidate you and make you feel you are in the wrong..

His family stealing baby shower gifts they have no right to is stealing and he is dismissing your feelings about it.

This man isn't your partner and doesn't deserve the consideration you're giving him.

FairyPrincess123 · 18/11/2022 10:58

ReneBumsWombats · 18/11/2022 09:37

God what a slimeball, pulling the whole "work as a team" thing after conspiring with his parents to steal your baby's gifts.

I'm kind of aware that, whatever the rights and wrongs, we might be hurting the OP with nasty comments about her husband. But, it's surprising he could father a child at all given the state of repair of his balls.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 18/11/2022 11:00

Cw112 · 17/11/2022 21:55

I think you need to tell dh that he has two choices. Either he backs you up and you together agree on what boundaries you want in place with pil to protect your little family and stop them from disrespecting you as his wife, or he doesn't back you up and all future celebrations will be held in England with your family where your ds will get the benefit of any gifts given. I would tell him that you want to have a good relationship with his parents because they are his family but calling you a stranger and stopping your son from having the gifts he is given is unacceptable.

This, but I'd go further and say no visits for you or DC to France ever and very low contact otherwise. There is no way I'd ever want to be in the home of people who thought it was OK to steal from my son ever again. Theyre happy to openly steal your son's gifts, makes me wonder what they're prepared to do behind closed doors. Then your Husband not only sides with them, but turns it back on you, trying to make you feel guilty for wanting people to not steal from your son, the whole thing is really disfunctional. Go low contact, basic superficial pleasantaries if you have to speak to them, otherwise ignore. You may well find your relationship with H is untenable in the future if he won't grow up and grow a pair.

ButterCrackers · 18/11/2022 11:14

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 18/11/2022 10:07

Ooh that's a good idea.
Show them (and your husband) the photo of all the missing gifts that didn't even get opened to, and ask to add them onto the document. Then, say no more about it, knowing that they've got exactly what they want - they are custodians of the gifts - but that they still belong to your son (who won't care about a silver frame or gold pin for a very long time anyway)

I was thinking of when the in-laws pass away, sorry to mention this, and the gifts are taken back to the uk by the parents or that the PIL bring the gifts to the UK. How to prove they belong to the son and are gifts. There’s tax to pay now on things from France. You have to prove if asked that what is in your car or suitcase belongs to you and isn’t for resale, needs taxing, other administration. A notary document should be sufficient to prove ownership by the son. For now it should be ok for the parents to bring over their sons gifts as it’s obvious it’s a baptism gift but still they could check if they need a receipt or something else.

Madamum18 · 18/11/2022 11:32

Cw112 · 17/11/2022 21:55

I think you need to tell dh that he has two choices. Either he backs you up and you together agree on what boundaries you want in place with pil to protect your little family and stop them from disrespecting you as his wife, or he doesn't back you up and all future celebrations will be held in England with your family where your ds will get the benefit of any gifts given. I would tell him that you want to have a good relationship with his parents because they are his family but calling you a stranger and stopping your son from having the gifts he is given is unacceptable.

Sounds wise! Taking control rather than him dictating!

Madamum18 · 18/11/2022 11:34

Lilgamesh2 · 17/11/2022 11:55

Do you have a supportive family OP? If so, I'd have some fun with this.

Invite them for Christmas and have all your allies over. Take the piss of them non stop while they are there. When they are introduced to your friends have them say in front of them "these are the ones who stole DS's presents??" "Yup! Lock up your valuables haha". Every time a present is opened for DS say "careful PIL, it's not for you!" in a jokey way. Jokingly move DS's toys out of their reach throughout the day. For Xmas lunch use silverware - except for them, they get plastic cutlery ("So you won't be tempted to run off with it!"). Play that 'guess who' game with a name stuck to their forehead - make them bonnie and Clyde. Etc etc etc.

Public shaming here is the way to go. Enjoy it :)

Not fun! Pointlessly passive aggressive and guaranteed to end any relationship the OP may or not want with her DH!!