In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

I agree with this as I now think there isn't much you can do.

That said, I'd do what I said in my earlier post and completely grey rock them, never going near them again. I'd also struggle to forgive my husband, however if you're not going to leave him, then you need to find a way to work past it with him.

No way would I get any future children baptised in France either. For me, stealing from my child is a hard no, line in the sand moment and there'd be no going back from it.

WTAF?!?! Why is this even a debate?! The gifts are baptism gifts for your son, not for your grandparents or even frankly for you and yourhusband. The only sensible interpretation is that the gifts should be in whichever household your son lives (ie yours), looked after by the responsible adults in the house and then when he is old enough, he gets them permanently and he can do with them whatever he wants.

Tell your bonkers grabby in laws that they can have photos of the baptism as a memento. Not a cut of the gifts that were bought for your son!!!

The absolute nerve of it

Also, who the hell are the 2% of people that voted that OP is being unreasonable here?!?! Wow, just wow.

My sympathies OP and bonkers in laws aside I hope you and your husband enjoyed the baptism.

I hope they come to realise that you are custodian of your son.

I am French, this is not a French cultural thing. This is just mad.

Demand all the gifts, you are the parent, you are the custodian, they are going home with your son

This.

It's not about the gifts but the behaviour.

Your "D" H has behaved despicably. What a coward.

A real man would stand up for his child and wife.

It was a massive warning sign they insisted the baptism happened there.

I wonder if it was their plan all along, to get their grubby mitts on your son's gifts.

I'm so angry for you. I'm sorry.

Do you have a supportive family OP? If so, I'd have some fun with this.

Invite them for Christmas and have all your allies over. Take the piss of them non stop while they are there. When they are introduced to your friends have them say in front of them "these are the ones who stole DS's presents??" "Yup! Lock up your valuables haha". Every time a present is opened for DS say "careful PIL, it's not for you!" in a jokey way. Jokingly move DS's toys out of their reach throughout the day. For Xmas lunch use silverware - except for them, they get plastic cutlery ("So you won't be tempted to run off with it!"). Play that 'guess who' game with a name stuck to their forehead - make them bonnie and Clyde. Etc etc etc.

Public shaming here is the way to go. Enjoy it :)

You need to tell everyone who gave gifts that you were not allowed to take them.

Given what they've done so far I would not be at all surprised if your in-laws tell people you just left the gifts.

You need to make sure they won't be able to tell that lie.

Your DH has shown all his cards.

He may have told his parents your relationship has no future, which might explain the gift-grabbing. Either that or he's just spineless in the face of his controlling mother and will never stand up for you.

Neither of these are palatable. Time to contact a solicitor and start planning your exit.

I'd have discussed then if they wouldn't budge then smiled and done above.

I'd also put in that IL had said it was French custom for GP to keep baptism gifts and display them so giver could see them.

No-one can object because it's what they said.It makes it clear you have said thank you and you are not the reason it's not with child ie giver knows who is behind this so can't be twisted against you - and lead to expectation items are on display so can't be quietly got rid of.

You do end up having to play games with people like this or you end up in the wrong very easily. I got to point that children gifts were packed by DH needing o input from me.

in laws could f off if it was me. no more seeing grandson if they steal his gifts the weirdos

Actually, I'd tell your man-baby mama's boy of a husband that he can choose the gifts and his mother, or his wife and children and losing half of everything + child support.

In addition, I'd write very gracious thank-you notes to the gift givers, in which you lament on the sad state of society when a grandmother feels entirely comfortable stealing from her grandchildren.

It is a much bigger issue than a photo frame!!

Afraid you have married a mummies boy. Spineless and supporting his mum rather than you. If you don’t want yo bring up a similar wimp…tell him your disappointment trumps his. Your friends, family and MN all agree that your patents are grasping and wrong. The gifts were given to your DS….not your in laws. Write to all of of the gift givers and tell them honestly what occurred.I expect several will write and let your in laws know how despicable their behaviour is. Daring to go through your suitcase and remove items!!! Tell your husband not to bother coming back till he man’s up.

It is a bigger issue than a photo frame but I wonder if in fact the whole point was to cause arguments between OP and her DH - in which case she played right into their hands.

Is the Op DH is in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) cycle -I have no idea and it depends on what the OP wants - but if Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage might be useful read.

I've changed my mind. THIS is the best way to deal with it 😂😂😂

This is shocking beyond belief 😲 I'm not sure if my marriage could recover from this; not necessarily the stealing of the gifts but the response from your husband since then.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think there might be something way more serious behind this.

Has your husband possibly told his parents that he's thinking the marriage might not work out? Or even that he's thinking about divorcing you?

Or has he told them that you're not responsible with money? Do they fear that you could sell these things and that your son won't have them later on? Do they want to keep them safe for him, scared that you will sell them and spend the money?

In any case there seems to be a huge trust issue between you and your husband. It's odd that he's not on your side. You don't need to "put your foot down", you need to have a long, serious conversation about all of these possibilities, trust and your marriage.

Given that he works in France most of the time and that you don't see him that much I would also at least consider the fact that there might be another woman and I'd just be prepared and get legal advice in terms of where the child will live in case you do get divorced as France is known for granting custody to the father even in cases concerning young children quite often.

Sorry if this is way paranoid, I don't mean to scare you, OP. But this seems like such a huge red flag and better to be safe than sorry.

I wish OP said sth hows she
managing her husband and not drip feeding useless info:i had bronichits!

Gloomydaekness Good points!

Goodness OP your PILs are low.

Stealing from their grandson!

Thank you again for the messages. In terms of the relationship, I am not sure where I stand. He refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing and says ‘I am sorry you feel hurt’ - ugh hate this phrase ! He says we should have chosen what to do as a team and not me just taking the presents with baby (as one would assume!). I have asked for an apology and now has just ignored the messages. Ugh!

I think you need to tell dh that he has two choices. Either he backs you up and you together agree on what boundaries you want in place with pil to protect your little family and stop them from disrespecting you as his wife, or he doesn't back you up and all future celebrations will be held in England with your family where your ds will get the benefit of any gifts given. I would tell him that you want to have a good relationship with his parents because they are his family but calling you a stranger and stopping your son from having the gifts he is given is unacceptable.

He says we should have chosen what to do as a team and not me just taking the presents with baby

So why didn't he discuss it with you then, instead of automatically taking his parents' side without even discussing it with you? His parents shouldn't even have been part of the discussion.

This is such a weird situation, people stealing a babies gifts. This would really make me dislike my husband.

Sorry OP, doesn’t sound like you’ll get anywhere so I would just leave it. However, lesson learned, no more events with them or in France. In fact I’d avoid visiting at all in future.