Partner wants a new dog, I don't: end of the relationship?

[nomorequinoa]

We've been together for 22 years. I'm 61, my DP's soon to be 60 and will be retiring in March 2023. I've freelanced from home for many years. DP works in IT as a contractor and has often worked abroad.

18 years ago we rescued our first dog, a young terrier. Soon after that DP took a 12-month contract in the Netherlands and I ended up looking after the dog for at least five days a week, with all the stress of training and caring for a young dog with behavioural issues. He'd come home for a couple of weekends each month and enjoy taking her on long walks, then be off again. Five years after that we mutually agreed to take on another rescue. I continued doing the lion's share of looking after them during the week. I loved them very much, but they were both quite challenging and they too often felt like a tie. Finding a reliable dog-sitter was always a challenge: I lost out on opportunities to go places and do things. The first dog died at 15 in 2017 and the younger one is about to turn 14 is just starting to look a bit stiff and doddery.

A week ago a friend of DP's asked if there was a chance of us rehoming a gorgeous terrier cross. The owners are divorcing and neither is in a position to take the dog. My DP went to see it without consulting me. It's clearly a sweet, much-loved pet and DP has as good as told them we will take it. Apparently he told them he'll just need to talk me round.

I don't want another dog once our current lovely old lad goes. I want us to be able to do all the things we've talked about doing in retirement without the stress of having to look after a dog. I want us to be able to take that three-month trip to South America we've talked about without the worry of dog care. I want to be able to take a last-minute trip away and do spontaneous things without having to factor in a dog. I don't want to have to continue putting on my boots and waterproofs and walking four miles in the cold and rain because the dog needs me to exercise him, as I've done for the last 18 years. I want a break from dog-care routine. DP says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He says the dog will be his, he'll walk it twice a day and take responsibility for it. I ask how he'll look after the dog when he's away on his sailing and cycling breaks with his brother and friends. He says he'll put it in kennels. We both know he'll expect me to look after the dog when he's away. He's working on the basis that I'll soften and give in, but I'm not going to. This is a hard, hard no from me.

I'd hoped he'd hear me and agree that once our current lovely boy has gone, we should be able to have at least a five-year break without a dog. Instead he's doubled down. We've never argued much, but in the last few days we've had some really hurtful rows that have made me see him in a new light. We've managed to work our way through things before, but this seems different.

AIBU? Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'd never imagined that it would be a dog that would end our relationship, but I think it might.

Can’t you just got to South America alone and leave him with the dog?
If you’re contemplating leaving him, three months on your own surely isn’t a big deal.

I don't want to be married. I was married and I don't need the legal protection that other woman might. No kids, my own money and pensions.

Can we please hit on the head once and for all the idea that I'm some kind of doormat and that only he has his 'jollies'? I've already mentioned that I was recently away for nine days. I was away with my friends, doing my own thing.

He’s in the wrong trying to force you into this. Very unfair. You know you’ll end up doing the lion’s share, he knows you will soften and not send the dog to the kennels. I have a dog I adore but I know when his time comes I also want a good few years without a dog, so I can travel. My kids will be adults by then so I don’t want to be restricted. Stick to your guns

The person questioning dogs being more tying than children. I agree they absolutely are!!

Most situations kids can either come with you or it's much easier to obtain childcare/sitters/etc.

Long days out and holidays the kids can come along and go wherever you go. Not so for dogs. They can't be left in hotel rooms. They can't come in the majority of shops, restaurants, attractions etc.

My dog passed away in May this year and I miss her so much. 💔 She was the loveliest dog in the world and I'm not exaggerating when I say she was my best friend. But she WAS tying bless her. You can't swan off on a long day by out and leave dog all alone all day. Ad hoc dog walkers are hard to find where I live. Doggy day care costs more than kiddy daycare. The kennels I used would be booked up well in advance etc. I've always had dogs and grew up in a household that always had dogs. But I'm not getting another for the same reasons as you.

I'd also point out to him he's not getting any younger!! A relative of mine got an active dog in retirement. Dog is big, bouncy, energetic. Relative is getting frailer and less energetic. Theyre also struggling with they tying factor too but for those of us who know this relative our concern is the dog injuring her/her not being able to meet the dogs physical needs/what will happen to dog if she goes into hospital or passes away etc.

OP. Don't give in! Don't get the dog.

Your dp now has a choice. Would he prefer to be single with a dog?? Good luck to him (and the poor dog) if so!! 🙄

I agree some counselling or mediation may be a good idea as it's aired up some troubling realisations it seems. Does he have the same desires for retirement as you? A lovely I know ended up stuck at home for her retirement years as her hubby declared he'd travelled enough with work!! Sadly she stayed. So sad. She'd assisted him in being able to travel the world with his job, holding down the fort at home counting down to when they could enjoy retirement and leisure time together. He had other ideas! Perhaps now is a good time to check his views of what retirement will look like.

Stick to your guns OP!

Your partner is trying to bully you into accepting yet another dog. Him getting his way is more important to him than his relationship with you. Despite having had his way for almost 2 decades, it's more important to him to keep getting his way indefinitely than that you EVER have the freedom to live the life you want. Is this the sort of relationship you want to grow old in?

Apologies. Didn’t mean to offend. Not implying you should be married. You don’t want another dog. End of. But why is the care of this existing dog falling on you? Especially if you’re completely self-sufficient and independent? Tell him to pull his weight with the existing dog and that you won’t be looking after another. [Flowers]

4 DC, one dog.

Dog far more of a tie and difficult to find care for. Last time we went away in the 20 minutes on sitter going and the next one arriving she took herself out of the cat flap for a 4 hour walk FFS.

She's also caused us more disturbed nights than the DC 🤣

I think you both need to discuss your plans for retirement, it seems he's spent his working life traveling etc which is exactly what you would like to do in retirement. Maybe his retirement plans are not about traveling and more about being at home which is what you've spent yr working life doing?

Absolutely this - he obviously assumes he’s going to trample her boundaries.

Probably not for the first time either.

Huge sign of a lack of respect.

Children are more portable, though, and they get more and more self sufficient as they get older! Plus they (hopefully) don't shit on the carpet if you leave them in the house too long...

Not married, not wanting to be married and yet getting lumbered with the thankless task wife work of looking after the existing dog.

Thankless because he expects you to do it even when he is actually around and you end up having to catch up your own work in the evening.

I'm sorry, it doesn't sound great.

That sounds amazing, Tortuga.

I've been lucky enough to have a young woman (friend of friend) live in the past 10 years any time I wanted to travel, but it is an extra hassle to get the house, esp guest room, bathroom and kitchen, ready for a guest as I'm trying to head off on holiday.

Earlier this year I found a couple nearby, youngish academics, who love dogs and do pet sitting in THEIR home. I did a test run and my normally shy chihuahua was fine, so they watched him for a week over summer and will do again next month. It's a godsend. He was happy after the week, even energized. But it's still a big consideration when I want to go anywhere, making sure he is cared for. A dog is a huge responsibility.

Good luck, OP. Keep us posted.

Yes, I could. But that's not really the point, is it? Because we all know that if he gets the dog there will be times when I'm put in the position where I'll have to look after it, even if it's just in an emergency. For me retirement is about being free of routine, free to be spontaneous. DP won't be able to be spontaneous with me if he has a dog to look after.

I suppose this is bigger than the dog really and there are intricacies of the dynamics of a such a long relationship that we can’t possibly understand as anonymous names on the internet.
Is there more to this? You seem quite ready to jump ship. If he said no to the dog would you otherwise be happy or would there be other things that make you want to start this new chapter of your life independently?

I agree.
Dogs can cause more restrictions than children.
A day out with dogs cut options.
You can't just decide to go for lunch, explore some shops or visit a cafe with dogs- unless you find a dog friendly cafe (rare), tie them outside ( unsafe), leave them in the car ( never a good option even in winter cars heat up very quickly) or leave one family member outside caring for a dog.
A day out with children is far easier- you can take children into shops, cafes, restaurants, decide on the spur to go to the cinema or some attraction.

It isn't all falling on me. DP fed and walked the old boy this morning and took him out this afternoon and did some shopping for supper on the way home. We share dog-care when he's here, which he is much of the time these days. We share chores. We both cook, we both clean, we both look after the dog. Tomorrow I'll do the morning walk and he'll do the evening one again because I'm out doing pursuing one of my hobbies.

That’s not quite the point though. How kind of him to support when it’s convenient - the point is you’ve looked after the dog when it’s not convenient for many years while he’s been able to work away, go sailing and generally do what he wants it sounds like. That’s what he’s not caring about. You want to be able to go to a friends if he goes sailing. You want to be able to go away. I would be doing that solo for now to remind him you’re a person and you matter and a dog means someone has to stay and look after it. ‘I’ve booked x, just me as you’ll need to look after the dog. I’ve been wanting to go for years. Byeeee’

DP's latest contract comes to an end in March next year and it seemed the ideal moment to finish the working stage of our lives.

We've talked for the last few years about the things we'd like to do, mindful of the fact that we have an elderly dog to factor in. DP wants to redesign our poorly-planned garden and rebuild the garage. He also wants to cycle from Land's End to John O'Groats and have cycling and sailing holidays abroad in his first work-free year. I want to start an MA at the local university, go to Botswana to see an old friend who runs a game reserve there and take myself off for a few days every couple of months to visit galleries and museums as part of my specialist interest. That's not DP's idea of fun and I prefer to do it alone. We're not your typical wherever-one-goes-the-other-goes -too couple.

We've semi-planned longer trips, the main one being at least three months in South America, going from Mexico to Patagonia. I have family in Australia and New Zealand. We may, if we can find the right person to look after the dog, do a month-long trip to Oz next summer to see family in Queensland and the Northern Territories. Longer trips, are for when the dog has gone to the great beanbag in the sky.

These are things that are really important to me. They're what I've worked for over the years. It's me time. I'm astonished by my own strength of feeling, but as others have said, this is the equivalent of DP deciding unilaterally to have another child. If he won't hear me (and today he's taken the 'I don't know what's wrong with you, it's just a dog' line with me) then that's it. It may seem crazy; perhaps I am.

So he has all these plans for his first year that would leave you caring for his dog???

Can he not be bothered to see how that would inconvenience you

That’s what he’s not caring about. You want to be able to go to a friends if he goes sailing. You want to be able to go away.

I was away for 10 days last month on my own with friends. DP looked after the dog. I've said this upthread. DP has been home, pretty much, since Covid. I've had plenty of days and weeks off to do my own thing. What I want is the relief of knowing that, once this lovely old boy has gone, I won't have to think about factoring in dog care ever again.

This is really tough. I think you guys really need to talk. Don’t be too hasty. Things can get out of hand in heated discussions. Maybe suggest couples counselling. You don’t always need lots of sessions. We had two sessions at a make or break moment in our relationship about ten years ago and they ended up being a complete eye opener for both of us. We became stronger than ever after them, I think largely because we both realised we were 100% committed to making it work and compromising whereas before we were at a stalemate. Would he go to counselling with you?

We have 4 ddogs. It's tough-but neither of us have regrets! But...dh has (kindly) asked that when that number declines we won't be topping it back up
...
I have had my great times with 4. I will be as happy with less and a happy dh!

Stand firm OP. You know your own mind and he's going to have to accept it.

Oh OP it's like he has thrown a grenade into that lovely list of plans you both have.

It seems he doesn't appreciate that with a dog, if he chooses to go sailing then either you look after the dog or someone has to source and pay for care for it, or if you both go away together, yet again someone has to source and pay for care for the dog.

I don't know what the answer is, but you must not capitulate as you feel this strongly about it. Who knows in a couple of years you may actually want another dog once you've done your travelling, but now is not the right time.