Partner wants a new dog, I don't: end of the relationship?

[nomorequinoa]

We've been together for 22 years. I'm 61, my DP's soon to be 60 and will be retiring in March 2023. I've freelanced from home for many years. DP works in IT as a contractor and has often worked abroad.

18 years ago we rescued our first dog, a young terrier. Soon after that DP took a 12-month contract in the Netherlands and I ended up looking after the dog for at least five days a week, with all the stress of training and caring for a young dog with behavioural issues. He'd come home for a couple of weekends each month and enjoy taking her on long walks, then be off again. Five years after that we mutually agreed to take on another rescue. I continued doing the lion's share of looking after them during the week. I loved them very much, but they were both quite challenging and they too often felt like a tie. Finding a reliable dog-sitter was always a challenge: I lost out on opportunities to go places and do things. The first dog died at 15 in 2017 and the younger one is about to turn 14 is just starting to look a bit stiff and doddery.

A week ago a friend of DP's asked if there was a chance of us rehoming a gorgeous terrier cross. The owners are divorcing and neither is in a position to take the dog. My DP went to see it without consulting me. It's clearly a sweet, much-loved pet and DP has as good as told them we will take it. Apparently he told them he'll just need to talk me round.

I don't want another dog once our current lovely old lad goes. I want us to be able to do all the things we've talked about doing in retirement without the stress of having to look after a dog. I want us to be able to take that three-month trip to South America we've talked about without the worry of dog care. I want to be able to take a last-minute trip away and do spontaneous things without having to factor in a dog. I don't want to have to continue putting on my boots and waterproofs and walking four miles in the cold and rain because the dog needs me to exercise him, as I've done for the last 18 years. I want a break from dog-care routine. DP says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He says the dog will be his, he'll walk it twice a day and take responsibility for it. I ask how he'll look after the dog when he's away on his sailing and cycling breaks with his brother and friends. He says he'll put it in kennels. We both know he'll expect me to look after the dog when he's away. He's working on the basis that I'll soften and give in, but I'm not going to. This is a hard, hard no from me.

I'd hoped he'd hear me and agree that once our current lovely boy has gone, we should be able to have at least a five-year break without a dog. Instead he's doubled down. We've never argued much, but in the last few days we've had some really hurtful rows that have made me see him in a new light. We've managed to work our way through things before, but this seems different.

AIBU? Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'd never imagined that it would be a dog that would end our relationship, but I think it might.

YANBU

He's trying to pressure you into it, that's disrespectful.

Don't back down, OP. I've adored my rescue dogs but after this one I won't be getting another - I want to travel, have nights out, be spontaneous etc while I still can. We will perhaps foster or do Borrow My Doggy but I'm not going to let my last active years just slip by without being able to really make the most of them.

I'm the doggiest person you'll meet, routinely put the dogs' wefare ahead of other things. Got a puppy 2 years ago that's not ok being left, so it hasn't been left despite having no outside help with them. I had a migraine the day I went to look at a perfectly nice kennels, so that's not an option.

However, in your situation, it would be a hard no too. I would be ballistic about the idea "I could be talked round" too.

Dogs are a lot of work. Family are all "just go on holiday". We have very much older family members too and I have no idea how we're going to manage events we can't miss...

I suspect he got the other dogs to control you when he was away.

By dumping them on you, your own life had to revolve around the dogs whilst he was off doing whatever the fuck he wanted with no ties.

He knows that the instant you meet the dog, you will give in. Do not even set eyes on this dog!

These aren't your only options though.

I do home boarding for dogs. I look after them in my own home, where they are treated as if they are my own. I've been doing it for almost 10 years and I know all of my doggie guests really well, and they are all super comfortable here.

I charge the same as a kennel (£25 for 24 hours). My customers have been all over the globe this year, knowing that their dogs are comfy in my home. I'm licenced by the Council and fully insured.

I take dogs for as little as 4 hours (enabling people to go to the cinema/shopping/a meal), and my longest booking was for 2 months when the owners toured around Australia. And everything in between!

You should try to find something like this for your old boy, it will give you the freedom you desire.

With all of that said....in your shoes I would 100% refuse to get another dog! They are extremely tying. Even if you could find a home boarder like me, that will cost you ££££ every time you want to do something, especially as you talk about going away for 3 months at a time (I would charge you £2250 for that length of stay).

Our own dog died 4 years ago, and for all of the reasons you describe, we have not got another one. We are a bit younger than you, at 53 & 50, but given that dogs can live for 18 years, we knew that a dogs life could extend into what we'd like to be our retirement zone, so we haven't done it.

I'd be checking that your retirement plans are compatible too. You might have been looking forward to extensive travelling as a couple; however I wonder if he's envisaging solo/boys adventures while you keep the home fires burning?

It's not really about the dog, is it? DP has a record of making commitments which he drops and leave for you to sort out. He is assuming he can do this again and you will crack and pick up the pieces.

You are quite rightly or perhaps finally drawing a boundary.

This is your time. Do whatever you have to do, to show that you are not available for this. Be prepared to follow through, at least to the extend of booking a holiday or visit to a friend for any days the fog is around.

Let's hope he agrees to not get it or to rehome it when the penny drops.

The key is your being prepared to not crack.

I think he thinks 'It's only a dog and we've had dogs for years...'

Remind yourself that this means he has 'let' you pick up all the responsibility for the dog for years.

I notice your mindset is that you have to walk the dog and work later because he is 'working'.

Please, get yourself out of that mindset. Give him fair warning and then hand over all ddog related responsibilities as of x time.

And follow through.

Be clear that you are doing this to help him understand that this is how it is going to be from now on.

Let him work out that another dog is not practical if he really does face to look after it.

This really is your time. Good luck.

YANBU. At all.

If he's home, you shouldn't be walking the dog.

If you want to go somewhere, he should be sorting the dog.

Tell him you will not agree to another dog under any circumstances, and you will not lift a finger if he goes ahead and gets one anyway. He will have to be home to sort the dog or arrange for kennels, dogsitter.

You both need to agree to get a pet, and you don't.

Stick to your guns. You don't want another dog. I've read some really upsetting posts on here from people whose partner insisted on having a dog and then the poster completely resents the dog.

Your husband needs to forget about this other dog, and tell the couple that you can't take the dog. He needs to focus on the dog he does have and enjoying his life with you. It's quite sad that you and the dog you have don't seem to be enough for him. If he really considers ending your marriage over this, I would say you're better off separated.

Just to add, an old dog doesn't need 45 mins walking - I'd cut that right back.

The problem you have here is not the dog. It's that your husband is only thinking of himself.
You are thinking of all of the fun things "we" can do together in retirement - extended travel together, short breaks together, trips out together.
He is thinking of the lifestyle "I" want. Sailing with someone who is not you. Cycling with friends who are not you. Getting a dog for himself because you don't want it.
Is there any part of retirement that he sees you being a part of?

Leave him. At 61, if you’re in good health, you have years of being able to make your own decisions and enjoy yourself. Travelling alone is fun because you meet more people, I thoroughly recommend it.
Your DP won’t improve with age but will just become more exploitative and entitled. Escape while you can.

Speaking as someone who cannot see their family at Christmas due no-one available to look after the dog, the frustrating side of dog ownership is something I have empathy for.

You are right to say no if you don't want another one, and right to consider ending the relationship if your wishes are not respected.

There are so many things you cannot do with a dog, and so many people have them now dog boarders and kennels need booking over a year in advance.

Enjoy your dog and probable partner free future!

YANBU
I’m on your side here OP! Dogs are far more of a tie than children and I have both. Consideration has to be given to days out, mini-breaks and holidays then there are all the daily walks in the cold, dark, wet and muddy winter which is so tiresome. I will not be in a hurry to replace my gorgeous dogs, I want to live my life when my children are grown up and have complete freedom to do as I please.

He's just given you a very good reason why you don't want another dog! Outline all the work/minding that you have done over the years and just tell him you are not prepared to do all that any more.

I'd also remind him that you still have a dog, and nobody knows how long you will have him for! I think it would be unfair to bring a new dog into a home with a 14 year old one.

I'm a cat person and though I often saw cats I'd have loved to adopt, it wouldn't have been fair to him - he would have hated it. I'm also nearly 60 and when my old boy passed away I wasn't sure what I would do.... but the house was so empty and lonely without him, that within 8 weeks I adopted two more!

I wouldn't end a 22 year relationship over a dog but what I would do is make it clear to him that at the first sign of him not dealing with the dog's issues, buying food, feeding, walking, training, picking up poo, taking to vets, arranging care for holidays etc, you will take the dog to a rescue centre out of your area.

It would be a no from me too. Whilst I absolutely adore my old spaniel he’s a huge tie and also costs me an absolute fortune in special food and his medication. Poor chap hasn’t got much hearing or eyesight now so he has to be reassured constantly that I’m around. I can just about get away with popping out to the shops for food.

He doesn’t get on with other dogs so can’t go in kennels, he can’t manage long walks so it’s not possible to go out for the day with him. I bought a camper van to take him away on holiday and he absolutely hates it so we can’t even enjoy camping together!

I couldn't do that to a dog though- not when you already know that he simply won't do all those things. Too unkind to take on a dog if you don't think you're going to keep it for life, whereas at the minute it's highly likely someone else will take a dog that's come from one home only.

Do NOT take the dog out. Enough of the wife-work, when you don’t even get any of the benefits of being a legal wife.

He's used to getting his own way.

Beadpark · Yesterday 15:45
It's not about the dog really is it? It's about the fact that he's prepared to take this big decision without you. Then that he's prepared to get nasty when you object. I was speaking to a friend with a new dog today and she said it's like deciding to have another baby. Huge responsibility and a real tie. I can totally understand why you are questioning your relationship.

This 👆YNBU

Stick to your hard line and mean it. Our beloved family terrier died a couple of years ago and I miss her like hell but relish being dog free. Not only do I not miss the commitment, the restrictions and the rain sodden walks, but no more worrying that my house has that permanent old dog smell.
Another thing to bear in mind is your age. This potential newby (depending on his age now) could live until you're both into your seventies. How sure is your dp that he'll be so keen on doing all the walks for more than a decade when you are off enjoying retirement on a dog- free tropical beach without him?

@nomorequinoa
@JaneFondue

its NOT over a dog.

it's over his lack of appreciation for all you did over the years, how YOU did all the care & missed out on things as YOU were responsible for the dog.

...and he's not listening to you & doesn't actually care what you want.

selfish, stupid git may not find his retirement much fun if he doesn't listen to you. He might also find it very difficult to do all these trips he has planned.

all these years taking you for granted might be about to bite him in the arse.

im sorry, it's painful to realise how fucking selfish & self centred they can be, when you realise you're not a Team, as you'd thought you were xx

I'm glad to hear that people like you exist. I've had so many bad experiences with apparently professional dog-sitters in the past: you'd think I was paranoid if I listed some of the things that have happened. I think the worst was the older woman, advertising as a professional, insured dog-sitter whom we booked to live in when we went to the US in 2014. She visited us prior to accepting the gig, encountered our slightly snappy older terrier and listened and nodded when we explained she wasn't good around children and needed to be kept away from them. She arrived early on the day we were due to depart with two young grandchildren whom apparently she had had to step in to look after at short notice. We flew out two days late.

Whoever thinks an old dog shouldn't walk 45 minutes each day clearly hasn't owned fit-as-fiddle terrier crosses. He did 11 miles a couple of weekends ago and still wanted two walks the next day.