Partner wants a new dog, I don't: end of the relationship?

[nomorequinoa]

We've been together for 22 years. I'm 61, my DP's soon to be 60 and will be retiring in March 2023. I've freelanced from home for many years. DP works in IT as a contractor and has often worked abroad.

18 years ago we rescued our first dog, a young terrier. Soon after that DP took a 12-month contract in the Netherlands and I ended up looking after the dog for at least five days a week, with all the stress of training and caring for a young dog with behavioural issues. He'd come home for a couple of weekends each month and enjoy taking her on long walks, then be off again. Five years after that we mutually agreed to take on another rescue. I continued doing the lion's share of looking after them during the week. I loved them very much, but they were both quite challenging and they too often felt like a tie. Finding a reliable dog-sitter was always a challenge: I lost out on opportunities to go places and do things. The first dog died at 15 in 2017 and the younger one is about to turn 14 is just starting to look a bit stiff and doddery.

A week ago a friend of DP's asked if there was a chance of us rehoming a gorgeous terrier cross. The owners are divorcing and neither is in a position to take the dog. My DP went to see it without consulting me. It's clearly a sweet, much-loved pet and DP has as good as told them we will take it. Apparently he told them he'll just need to talk me round.

I don't want another dog once our current lovely old lad goes. I want us to be able to do all the things we've talked about doing in retirement without the stress of having to look after a dog. I want us to be able to take that three-month trip to South America we've talked about without the worry of dog care. I want to be able to take a last-minute trip away and do spontaneous things without having to factor in a dog. I don't want to have to continue putting on my boots and waterproofs and walking four miles in the cold and rain because the dog needs me to exercise him, as I've done for the last 18 years. I want a break from dog-care routine. DP says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He says the dog will be his, he'll walk it twice a day and take responsibility for it. I ask how he'll look after the dog when he's away on his sailing and cycling breaks with his brother and friends. He says he'll put it in kennels. We both know he'll expect me to look after the dog when he's away. He's working on the basis that I'll soften and give in, but I'm not going to. This is a hard, hard no from me.

I'd hoped he'd hear me and agree that once our current lovely boy has gone, we should be able to have at least a five-year break without a dog. Instead he's doubled down. We've never argued much, but in the last few days we've had some really hurtful rows that have made me see him in a new light. We've managed to work our way through things before, but this seems different.

AIBU? Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'd never imagined that it would be a dog that would end our relationship, but I think it might.

He agrees to take the dog with him on his ‘jollies’? My uncle’s terrier goes hiking and sailing and loves it.

Yeah if OP is fine being alone that’s one thing but if not she needs to be aware at her age the dating market will not be good.

My retired PILs moved back from Spain this year with 3 dogs. I’m amazed by just how much they are limited by them.

By 'we' do you mean you are trying to find a b&b/dog sitter etc etc? Make this his issue to sort out. Don't step in.

He's an idiot. He's just burying his head in the sand.

I'd struggle to give him any respect.

Another thought has occurred to me OP.

Perhaps as your DP has been travelling significantly for his job and working long hours, he views a more homely future than the one you imagine and has less of an urge to travel the world. Therefore a dog seems less of a tie.

Or perhaps he's just an idiot who thinks that dog walkers and sitters appear miraculously from nowhere with no effort or cost.

We don't have anyone to have our dog she barks herself hoarse in kennels. It become catch 22 as we don't go away together because of her and she isn't great with other dogs as is nervous.

We won't be getting another one will just stick to cats - as we just have another new hoard of cats that's like 7-10 years with the dog and up 20 years with cats but they are far easier to get looked after.

We had a dog most of our married lives up until 5 years ago. I did all the looking after/arranging kennel's etc when we went away. It was so stressful and I resented it once DDs had left and gone to Uni as I was still organising my life around someone else and I found it so restricting.

I’ve told him if he ever wants another one I will never look after it, so he will have to take it to work with him or when he goes out for more than a couple of hours etc.
He knows I mean it and has stopped taking about it.

It's not the dog, it's the fact that your DP is a twat.

Surely where one of you wants something to change and the other doesn't, and there's no compromise, the default solution is to maintain the status quo? He can't just unilaterally impose a new dog on you can he? And surely he wouldn't leave you just to get another pet?!

You need to tell your husband what you are feeling & if he chooses a dog over his marriage then your choice is straight forward.

Personally I think you’ll love & look after the dog too but it is definitely going to scupper any 3month or spontaneous trip plans.

Maybe your husband is worried about you or them being alone as you get older. Maybe he thinks the dog will help keep you both active.
Maybe he just wants a dog because he is used to having one; although from what you say you have done the lion’s share of caring.

Personally I liken having a dog to having a permanent 2yr old & ask anyone considering getting one to really think hard about whether they can commit to having a 2yr old at home for 12+years.

Fun & rewarding but hard work & draining at times.
Dogs, & 2yr olds, almost always want attention, always make a mess, always have to come 1st & always want to go to the park.
Don’t get me wrong I am an animal lover but I won’t have a dog for those exact reasons.
My child was easier when she was younger but she has grown up & become more independent which is what I have found most dogs aren’t & don’t do.

I have cats, so maybe I am biased. I find their independence & lack of need for validation, walks & attention refreshing where as having a dog makes me feel smothered & the high energy they often bring makes me feel anxious.

I dog walk & dog sit for friends who work or are going away for my dog fix then hand them back. I fuss & love on their dogs like they would but it always reminds me why I don’t & can’t have a dog. A week is my absolute limit for sleep overs as I am disabled & the walks are more often than not hard to manage every day.

Put the bloke in kennels and go travelling with the dog.

www.booking.com/articles/pet-friendly-adventure-destinations.html

I am the exact opposite of you because in my (early) retirement I have given up travelling and enjoy having our dogs. My husband still works and sometimes works away and I absolutely love being with our dogs. Each to their own!

Leave husband at home with dog, if he can’t arrange kennels, & you go see your friends. The dog is part of the household but why are you default carer & care booker.
It isn’t ok to leave a dog in the car at any time, ever. Would your dog be ok with the kittens?
If so maybe use this as a learning opportunity for them & ask friends if it is ok to bring the dog.
I have 4 cats & the dogs that come to our house get along with them ok. It has to be this way because this is my cats home & the dogs are visiting.

I don’t leave them alone because I know cats can be asshats & dogs can turn just like I would leave either alone with a small child.

Dh wanted a dog and I didn't. He got one anyway and he does 95% of the dog care.

UANBU

YANBU, dogs are amazing but so limiting in terms of how you have to live your life. I totally get what you said about even going to a national trust property, can't leave them in the car, can't go in certain places etc. My DP has 2 dogs and I love having them but it does mean we can't really do days out at all - just short trips like swimming/trampolining/garden centre. we go camping on holiday with the dogs and even then it's hard finding shade/dog friendly beaches etc all the time. I do days out with the DC by myself while DP is at work. It should get easier when the older one has gone as he can't be left with anyone else (fearful/snappy rescue) - the younger one is very soft and gentle so hopefully someone will look after him while we go on holiday.

It sounds like your DP hasn't really had to experience the full force of those limits as you've mopped up the work/made the arrangements etc - you're basically the doggy backstop and he can swan in and out enjoying the dog but not having to take the full responsibility. So he just can't see why that can't continue doing that as it suits him! You could do the whole "it'll be your dog, I'm not doing anything" but of course that's not realistic in practice and you won't let the dog suffer.

I love dogs and have owned dogs whom I have loved unconditionally and devotedly. I would not have another dog. Children are far easier, not least as they get to an age when they can be left for whole days. Dogs are very rewarding, but you always have to think about what you can give to the dog, not what the dog can give to you. I could not give myself to a dog now that my children have all gone to university and I finally have some real freedom. OP, I agree with you.

My sister has a dog - I have a 1 year old - the dog is definitely more of a tie! I can take my daughter most places, she can come on holidays with us etc - the dog can't go loads of places, can't fly easily abroad or go on most holidays!

Her dog hates the pub and won't just sit at your feet like other dogs do - so it's hit an miss what personality type the dog has! her dog gets car sick so they can't even take it too far from home!!

I totally get where you are coming from

This

Our dog is getting old and I'd be the same. I want the freedom to go away and be free from responsibilities. Stick to your guns and don't enter into arguments any more. Just keep a firm calm voice and repeat that you want a break from dogs and are not willing to take care of this one.

YANBU

DH gave DD a puppy, as he’s retired and at home.

he gave up work when I had DD as I earned more.
Since then, I’ve set up new business and work even longer, with more stress. I am massively menopausal and seem to be constantly Ill. I work 80+ hours a week.

I am default parent. Default cleaner. Default clothes sorter, present buyer, card rememberer, Christmas organiser, bed changer, you name it.
He makes bread once a week and everyone thinks he’s a domestic bloody goddess. I’d rather he learned to vacuum and bought the damn bread. I don’t keep up with any of this, and that’s another source of stress.

I slept downstairs with pup, I feed it, I walk it, I clean up its shit. It follows me around this house like a shadow.

in summary. Life is too short, he thinks you’ll soften because you take responsibility and he knows you’ll do it again.

Book the trips. do the hobbies. do whatever you want. Act as independently as every man alive acts.

If he takes the dog, don’t back down. In fact, ensure you’re away every time he is (you can cancel most booking.com hotels up the last few days, so you can easily show him you’ve made plans, if it really comes to it).

I love my pets to bits but am thinking when they pass away will be when DDs are adults/more independent and it would be nice to be pet free for a time. YANBU.

Have you told him your thinking of leaving?
Would you be willing to go for a few months.might he see then how hard you've had it.
Do you love him op?is there more to this than the dog.because you seem really sad to leave but almost optioning it too.

The problem isn't the dog, it's that he thinks he and his work is more important than you and your work.

So 7 years ago we moved into a new house with brand new carpets in April 2015, December comes round and husband comes home with a British bulldog puppy which cost him £2500 without me knowing anything about it, as it was a surprise 😒

I had a dog before in my teens and she was a small fox terrier and I made sure she was always clean, trained etc as she slept in my bed with me.
(This was many years ago before kids)

The puppy had to sleep in our room so you can imagine the state of my carpets, Furniture , shoes etc
I wasn’t happy about any of it but the children was over the bloody moon with the new 🐶 and that’s how he knew he’d get away with it 😠

I was left looking after he bloody dog, training, cleaning up , walks etc and I have 3 boys one with type 1 diabetes and I myself have hEDS

😱 a year later he comes home with another one (£2500) and this time a bitch coz I always wanted a girl 🤬

its been a very hard long 7 years and no one in my house is capable of looking after them not even my husband….it’s all on me and it’s just not bloody fair.
I am always angry at home coz this is not what I want, I hate it.

I RESENT HIM!!!

I wouldn't have a dog OP.
I have owned 4 dogs in my life and I love the creatures- but I also think dogs need a lot of attention to be happy- not being left alone for too long, very regular long walks.
I managed to navigate the teenage years despite my DD wanting a dog, she has her own place now, so has stopped asking.
My OH would have a dog in a heartbeat, we live surrounded by woodland, rivers etc, and there is always someone at home.
BUT- my OH is away on business 10 nights a month or so- a plane ride away, so can't pop home.
When he is working in the local office he works very long hours, and is out of the house from 7am until 8pm.
So all the dog stuff would be left to me- and I am absolutely not prepared to fit caring for a dog into my schedule.
My OH knows that so has stopped suggesting that we get a dog.

Tell him if the dog comes in you will walk out. Tell him to look after it as you want a bit of a break going out in the cold weather