Partner wants a new dog, I don't: end of the relationship?

[nomorequinoa]

We've been together for 22 years. I'm 61, my DP's soon to be 60 and will be retiring in March 2023. I've freelanced from home for many years. DP works in IT as a contractor and has often worked abroad.

18 years ago we rescued our first dog, a young terrier. Soon after that DP took a 12-month contract in the Netherlands and I ended up looking after the dog for at least five days a week, with all the stress of training and caring for a young dog with behavioural issues. He'd come home for a couple of weekends each month and enjoy taking her on long walks, then be off again. Five years after that we mutually agreed to take on another rescue. I continued doing the lion's share of looking after them during the week. I loved them very much, but they were both quite challenging and they too often felt like a tie. Finding a reliable dog-sitter was always a challenge: I lost out on opportunities to go places and do things. The first dog died at 15 in 2017 and the younger one is about to turn 14 is just starting to look a bit stiff and doddery.

A week ago a friend of DP's asked if there was a chance of us rehoming a gorgeous terrier cross. The owners are divorcing and neither is in a position to take the dog. My DP went to see it without consulting me. It's clearly a sweet, much-loved pet and DP has as good as told them we will take it. Apparently he told them he'll just need to talk me round.

I don't want another dog once our current lovely old lad goes. I want us to be able to do all the things we've talked about doing in retirement without the stress of having to look after a dog. I want us to be able to take that three-month trip to South America we've talked about without the worry of dog care. I want to be able to take a last-minute trip away and do spontaneous things without having to factor in a dog. I don't want to have to continue putting on my boots and waterproofs and walking four miles in the cold and rain because the dog needs me to exercise him, as I've done for the last 18 years. I want a break from dog-care routine. DP says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He says the dog will be his, he'll walk it twice a day and take responsibility for it. I ask how he'll look after the dog when he's away on his sailing and cycling breaks with his brother and friends. He says he'll put it in kennels. We both know he'll expect me to look after the dog when he's away. He's working on the basis that I'll soften and give in, but I'm not going to. This is a hard, hard no from me.

I'd hoped he'd hear me and agree that once our current lovely boy has gone, we should be able to have at least a five-year break without a dog. Instead he's doubled down. We've never argued much, but in the last few days we've had some really hurtful rows that have made me see him in a new light. We've managed to work our way through things before, but this seems different.

AIBU? Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'd never imagined that it would be a dog that would end our relationship, but I think it might.

I have played tennis and a bit of golf over the last 20 years, with some women 10-15 years ahead of me.

The retirement tales are interesting.

Some men become demanding, clingy, wanting to know where they are, when they will be back, wanting simply meals at a certain time.

Beyond tedious.

They combat this by clinging to their women friends, seeing them several times a week and insisting of sun holidays with friends.

The alternative is divorce!

Some men age very very quickly once they retire, want to be catered for and minded🙄.
Tedious.

Be very wary OP😁

One of my friends went back to work after her husband took early retirement, not because they needed the money but because their ideas of how to spend their time didn't match up and he was driving her potty being very needy and just being in her space all the time when she was used to having the house to herself and doing her own thing once the kids grew up.

Good to hear he chose you over the dog. 👍🏼

Will you choose him though in the long run.

No. Our previous dogs were mutually agreed. I grew up with dogs, I know what I was getting into. They've kept me pretty fit and through them I've met some great people. I've also said in a previous post that averaged out, my DP worked away from home for around 3 months of the year. So he's been home, sharing dog care, for 75% of the time. Enough of the implication that he has a history of forcing dogs onto me and then abandoning me BS.

I'm not a pushover: our life has suited me. All of you who interpret him working abroad as him abandoning me to go and have fun fail to appreciate that a lot of the time I really enjoyed the freedom of being alone. A lot of the time he was having a pretty shit experience. Contracting can be very stressful. I like having long periods where I don't have to factor in other people's needs. And next time you sign up for a lucrative job and then have to cancel it and possibly damage your reputation as a reliable contractor, see how you like it, @aloris .

I'm well aware that it's much easier for many women here to seek to blame me for the past than to engage with the present and the future, which is what this is really about. You're the women who'll always find ways to blame women. I'm saying no to that. My concern now is, given I've learned something new about my partner, whether I want to stay partnered for this last stage of life.

You are not alone.

A close friend of mine is in recruitment and she has heard that reasoning more than once.

One of my friends told me she used to love her grandchildren popping in after school but suddenly when her husband retired he had a problem with it.

She arranged to collect the children a couple of days and bring them home for her daughter and spent time at her daughters.

She upped her tennis and made herself very busy and absent to drive the point home that she would not be dictated to.
She was a normally very active person.

Fail to prepare for retirement, prepare to fail at retirement was a document circulating around my husbands company some years ago.

Retirement does needs planning for.
Surprising how much plans can change by the time it actually arrives.

Sorry, I thought you were asking for advice?

It's a bit harsh to ask for advice and then tell me to 'stop projecting my own stuff onto you', when that's the very thing you're asking in your post - 'has anyone been through anything similar'?
I was going to suggest something else before I read your response, but clearly I think you're just wasting everyone's time if you're not even prepared to respect other peoples answers and/or suggestions. Now who's playing games? (your other response to my post)
Just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean you have to be rude to someone who's trying to give a different perspective.

Especially when your answer looks like you've made up your mind anyway,
'I've made it quite clear that I will leave if he gets another dog'.
So why even bother asking anyone?

Decision made, and move on from someone who obviously loves his four legged friends and is miffed at someone trying to deny him what he wants.
You just can't help some people

If you've read any of my many post-OP responses you'll know that I'm not being weak and have no intention of backing down on the dog issue.

Many people have told me it's my fault for being a doormat and agreeing to have dogs in the first place, for going along with the contract working — even for walking the dog one afternoon when my DP was supposed to do it but was trapped in a meeting that had overrun. Then you came along with this:

you're just going to have to accept he'll win every time and let him have his own way. But being so weak can store up future problems if ever you are at loggerheads again

I don't regard framing a long-term relationship as a series of battles that need to be won as helpful. That's not my relationship you're talking about so I'm presuming it's yours and you're projecting.

In my relationship we usually negotiate and try and show each other a bit of give and take. Until now, when he's proposed something that I'm absolutely not going along with, when I've put my foot down. In the last couple of days he's talked about being surprised by my response, how he thought I'd welcome a really lovely young dog. I can see his point of view. I've explained pretty much what I've said here. I think he's beginning to see my point of view too, though he's not happy about it. I've suggested we need to sit down for half a day, perhaps with a third party, to discuss what retirement means to us both and to work out whether it's something we can do together or not. Having been previously shaken by the realisation of how he really doesn't think very deeply about me, I'm now impressed by how shaken he appears to be now he's realised I'm serious about having a different life post-retirement. This incident may actually turn out to be good for our relationship.

This incident may actually turn out to be good for our relationship.

Hope so @nomorequinoa

Fingers crossed @nomorequinoa - great if you're on the same page and no nasty surprises when retirement does come.

It has made you reflect on what you do and don't want during your retirement, and that is great self knowledge to have.

Many people don't get much more than a decade of retirement in full health.

Of course you want to be spending it how you'd like.

Good luck.

Exactly, it's far better to be having this conversation now than later, when you're already retired. Given his reaction, I think he's starting to realize that you do need to discuss your retirement in-depth and that's a really good sign. Sometimes people need a little jolt to realize certain things and my feeling is that while he sometimes takes your backing for granted, ultimately, he respects you/your opinions - and mutual respect is at the core of any healthy relationship.

I think you'll be fine, and I'm really glad for you!

HopE you didn’t get the dog
@nomorequinoa 😀