Partner wants a new dog, I don't: end of the relationship?

[nomorequinoa]

We've been together for 22 years. I'm 61, my DP's soon to be 60 and will be retiring in March 2023. I've freelanced from home for many years. DP works in IT as a contractor and has often worked abroad.

18 years ago we rescued our first dog, a young terrier. Soon after that DP took a 12-month contract in the Netherlands and I ended up looking after the dog for at least five days a week, with all the stress of training and caring for a young dog with behavioural issues. He'd come home for a couple of weekends each month and enjoy taking her on long walks, then be off again. Five years after that we mutually agreed to take on another rescue. I continued doing the lion's share of looking after them during the week. I loved them very much, but they were both quite challenging and they too often felt like a tie. Finding a reliable dog-sitter was always a challenge: I lost out on opportunities to go places and do things. The first dog died at 15 in 2017 and the younger one is about to turn 14 is just starting to look a bit stiff and doddery.

A week ago a friend of DP's asked if there was a chance of us rehoming a gorgeous terrier cross. The owners are divorcing and neither is in a position to take the dog. My DP went to see it without consulting me. It's clearly a sweet, much-loved pet and DP has as good as told them we will take it. Apparently he told them he'll just need to talk me round.

I don't want another dog once our current lovely old lad goes. I want us to be able to do all the things we've talked about doing in retirement without the stress of having to look after a dog. I want us to be able to take that three-month trip to South America we've talked about without the worry of dog care. I want to be able to take a last-minute trip away and do spontaneous things without having to factor in a dog. I don't want to have to continue putting on my boots and waterproofs and walking four miles in the cold and rain because the dog needs me to exercise him, as I've done for the last 18 years. I want a break from dog-care routine. DP says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He says the dog will be his, he'll walk it twice a day and take responsibility for it. I ask how he'll look after the dog when he's away on his sailing and cycling breaks with his brother and friends. He says he'll put it in kennels. We both know he'll expect me to look after the dog when he's away. He's working on the basis that I'll soften and give in, but I'm not going to. This is a hard, hard no from me.

I'd hoped he'd hear me and agree that once our current lovely boy has gone, we should be able to have at least a five-year break without a dog. Instead he's doubled down. We've never argued much, but in the last few days we've had some really hurtful rows that have made me see him in a new light. We've managed to work our way through things before, but this seems different.

AIBU? Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'd never imagined that it would be a dog that would end our relationship, but I think it might.

Without consulting DP. contact his friend and tell them

"DH told me about the dog; but as he explained, for us to take him needs my agreement and I'm afraid it's an absolute NO from me. We won't be rehoming your dog, and that's final. Best you hear it direct from me. Byeee".

When I wanted a ddog it was made clear by dh that I would do the care 100% as he didn’t want a dog at all.
As I was home all the time this was fine.
It turned out that he loves the ddog and annoyingly she prefers him to me.
However if I couldn’t have been available for 100% care then I wouldn’t have had a dog.
Your dh has no right to impose a pet on you.
If he gets the dog then you need to stick to your guns and not walk it or care for it when he’s away. And if he is away then he must make the arrangements.

He sounds very selfish and it comes across that you've been doing all the work for years while he lives like a single person with no responsibilities. It's time for you to start pleasing yourself and I think that if you are married to a selfish man, you could well be happier on your own

YANBU. From someone who would have 10 dogs if circumstances allowed.

Id get the house valued at a time when he is home so he understands where this is going. Stupid bloke.

Well it wouldn’t be breaking up over a dog.

It would be breaking up over the decades of selfishness of one partner, taking on a responsibility and then buggering off for work or holiday and leaving someone else to do all the work.

They would be breaking up because they have incompatible views of retirement. The ops that they might spend time together travelling . And her husbands view that he will continue to do what he likes, when he likes and his wife will stay at home and do all the grunt work. Same old same old.

And hopefully you are married and will get half his pension so that will be handy.

I would easily ditch someone who wasn't prepared to listen to me.

Taking on a dog is definitely a 'two yes, one no' situation.

If it means choosing between the experiences she'd spend the last 20 years planning and keeping the bloke she'd planned with? Yeah.

I agree with sending that message/letter with what 2bazookas said, @. Make sure they know, in no uncertain terms, that it is a no and you won't be changing your mind. Then, after you've told them, tell you're partner you've told them no and that's it, that the topic is now closed and you won't discuss it ever again. Your partner is taking the piss, the absolute piss out of you, and this is the time you need to say no and mean it. He clearly isn't the man you thought he was if he is so selfish and so disregarding of you and your feelings. So no and mean it. If he leaves you because of it, well, it's his loss, and you will be so much better off on your own without having to be responsible for all selfish and CFer wants and demands.

Not entirely similar but kind of. We had two old seats whom we lost within 6 months of each other. Although incredibly sad we agreed to wait at least a year before committing to another rescue. This would allow us some freedom to be more spontaneous and take longer holidays. In short whilst the idea was sound we all felt that we needed another dog much sooner. 8 weeks after we lost our last girly. I do the lions share of walking etc and I'd underestimated how much that meant to me and how much I enjoyed it, despite the weather on occasion x

It would be breaking up over the decades of selfishness of one partner, taking on a responsibility and then buggering off for work or holiday and leaving someone else to do all the work.

This. He volunteers OP for shitwork so he can benefit and when she finally says no, he is mean and argues. He's selfish and that's why she needs to stick to her guns.

Not exactly the same but i had 2 cats for nearly 20 years my dh wasnt really interested in them which was fine i done everything for them and he said when theyre gone he didnt want anymore pets-absolutely fine compromise i wouldnt dare come home and say ive got another cat and they take less looking after than a dog

your oh is out of order saying you'll come round

Im coming to the conclusion that many men get more selfish as they get older.
You could go to a neutral location to discuss this. Bring a List - much like you have written here of all the dog related burdens you take. He separately writes the ones he takes.
It’s ok to have a pause from dog ownership - it’s not forever and your needs and as a couple should come first.

Just tell him 'it's me or the dog' and mean it.

I hear you both on this but just wondered if the dog thing is his only selfishness or if he is generally inconsiderate, OP?

dogs are a 12-18 year commitment. Our current pups are just 3.5 and 1 year old and we are retiring. We have bought a home in another country and are taking them with us, however due to the heat laws in that country, the soonest we can fly with them is May 15. So our home is ready but we are not. That is the level of commitment you need to own a pet. The OP clearly loves dogs but is ready for a bit of down time without one. These two will def be our last dogs as even though we are retiring 10 years earlier than we had planned, we KNOW the walks, the care, the being tied to one place is not as appealing to us anymore. My husband said...well maybe one more after if we are still feeling healthy, I said absolutely NO. and he understands. If he really wants some doggy love maybe we could do some short term fostering, but no way am i committing to this again. Or he can go volunteer at a shelter. I love my pets so very much, but I am realistic about aging and the amount of care I am willing and able to do after these two are gone. hopefully have 15 years!!!! still with them and hope to still be healthy and able to give them all they need until then.

Say no more about it but stick to your guns he walks it and,sorts care whenever he isnt here.

I’m in the reverse situation, or similar.
i

-I would love, love, love another dog but it’s a hard no from DH. I did everything for my previous dog but I accept that I just have to live with my disappointment on this.

Nobody has a right to own a pet and his reasons are valid. In this situation I think there is right of veto.
YANBU.

If he brings the dog home, do nothing for it. Don't shop for the dog food, don't walk it, nothing. I would also tell his friend how you feel and ask him to find an alternative home.

Friends of mine are so glad they didn't get another dog. They walk other people's now for Cinnamon Trust.

Stay firm, OP.

If he really leaves you because you’ve said no to a dog (that he expects you to do the bulk of care for) then he doesn’t love you anyway and you’re better off without him.

What a relief to find that others understand how you can love a pet to bits, and feel devastated at the thought of losing them, but be absolutely certain you don't want another one. I'm uncertain about many things, but I am about this.

I take on board everything that's been said: yes, looking back I wish I'd not gone along with everything as reasonably as I did. He's had the experience of living abroad as a single man while I've been stuck at home looking after the dogs. He did a couple of contracts in Southern Africa and other places where he was away for months at a time and I enabled him. In retrospect I should have asked him to pay for dog-walkers and professional dog-sitters each week, to give me a break and enable me to enjoy the kind of freedom he was experiencing. But you don't think like that when you're in a long-term relationship, do you?

I've never threatened to leave the relationship before. I think I really shocked him when I said that if he insisted on taking on this dog, I would go. We're not married, so I won't get any of the money he was able to salt away during those periods being paid a premium. I really meant it and I still do now. I feel so strongly about being trapped by the dog's needs. I have to go now because the light's beginning to fade and I need to put on my wellies and raincoat and take the old boy for a 45-minute walk — because while OH is here in the house, he's too busy working to take the dog out. It's me who'll walk the dog now and catch up with work this evening.

I'm going to suggest we talk to a therapist/ mediator about where we've ended up. Everyone who's said 'It's not about the dog' is absolutely right. The dog argument has exposed something we need to deal with. Thank you all.

Couples should only get a dog if both individuals are completely on board with it. It is such a huge responsibility and commitment. Over a decade-long tie. Even if he really did do ALL the work himself, you still have to want to live with a dog too yourself. I recently lost my two gorgeous old dogs. I miss them, but I'm the same as other posters: I won't get another. Not for ages anyway.

Hopefully it won't come to breaking up. You are not used to disagreeing, so it has come as a shock. Ultimately, he'll have to decide if you are more important to him, or a theoretical dog. If it's the latter, I guess your relationship is running its course anyway.