If you were travelling alone in a foreign country, would you let someone know your itinerary, in case something happened to you?

[TortugaRumCakeQueen]

When my Mum was alive, if I was going away, she would always ask which hotel we were going to (in case of emergency), and she would check in on our return date, to make sure we landed safely. As mobile phones came on the scene, I would just text my Mum "Landed".

I have a 25 y/o son, who went off to USA for a holiday recently, travelling alone and meeting up in various locations to meet friends from Uni. I said that he should let someone know his travel plans, just in case something happened, and he accused me of treating him like he's 9. I just thought that was sensible!

His text was quite sarcastic and implied that I have no faith in him as an adult. There is no back story. We usually get along fine etc.

In fairness, I probably think about the "what if's" more than most : my DH is a Police Officer and deals with missing people cases every day. It's amazing how many people don't know where their loved ones are. Can you imagine the conversation?

Parent : My child went on a trip but hasn't returned home
Police : Where did they go?
Parent : USA somewhere
Police : Whereabouts?
Parent : I don't know
Police : Who were they visiting?
Parent : I don't know
Police : What flight were they meant to be on?
Parent : I don't know

Just seems sensible to let someone know your plans. I didn't even say it had to me, it could be his Dad of GF, just someone!

When me and DH go on holiday, I always text the kids and tell them where we are going and when.

Maybe it's just my family history? DH's family never ask when he is due back from holiday, and in all honesty we could have been kidnapped abroad and it would be 6 months before his Dad would even notice we were missing.

I would have been very happy if he had said "Dad/Partner has my itinerary". That would have been enough for me.

Thank you. It literally takes seconds, doesn't it?

That's because it's none of your business who his friends are.

Every additional update from the OP sounds increasingly suffocating and hysterical. I simply coud not be doing with that level of anxiety from my mum (panic- but what if you get eaten by a lion???) and would similarly back right off. His message was a clear one to say back off, your anxiety is yours, leave me be.

Others, including the OP evidently, don't agree. Many do, however, which is enough to surely demonstrate that while you might not agree with your son, he is not being unreasonable. You just both have different views about what is normal and acceptable. If you want any kind of relationship with him then I think you need to listen.

For the avoidance of doubt, I have a lovely relationship with my family. Its not that we don't care about each other. We would just never dream of expecting this type of thing from each other.

My parents and I share location on our phones whenever we travel abroad.

I don't. One or two friends know where I'm going and that's it. This dates from when my late mother wanted to know the address of the hotel I was going to be staying in and I refused to tell her. She wanted to know, not because she was worried about me, but because she wanted to keep tabs on me in case she had some reason to contact me while I was away. I pointed out that my holiday was for me to relax and there were other people she could contact if need be (she was in her early 60s at the time).

This is catastrophising and some.

No wonder he tells you so little. I think your anxiety about certain scenarios is completely clouding rational thought.

Goldpaw Do have any idea where your children are? Or no clue whatsoever and no desire to roughly know?

His message to you was incredibly cruel.

And I don't think that any of this is reflective of anxiety, my family and I share where we are when traveling because as adults we respect and care for each other and are interested in each others lives. Why wouldn't I want to hear when my parents have got to their destination safely? It takes them 30 secs to tell me and me 10 seconds to read.

I went travelling for two months in Europe and told my family and boyfriend where I was in each city.

Well nor do you on impropru day in Lakes innit

Thank you so much for this.

Just to be clear, the scenarios above that seem catastrophising, I have not mentioned to him at all. All I said, was that it would be a good idea to let someone know his itinerary. It could be his Dad, his Partner or me, given that he was travelling solo. Seemed sensible to me, and those are the sarcastic responses that I got back. I have always been a good Mum, he has had the best of everything and I financially supported him through 5 years of Uni. It feels horrible to get texts like those, especially when I'm just trying to look out for him.

Is he your youngest?

I feel for you @TortugaRumCakeQueen

What you’re asking is perfectly reasonable. I used to travel alone for work and telling someone your movements is essential.

You know where your son is, he's on holiday in the US visiting friends.

Perfectly reasonable, not just for you, but if you wanted them to know say about a friend or family member taken ill or dying.

Yes, of course it’s very sensible to let someone know. I never did though. I went backpacking around New Zealand by myself and didn’t tell anyone back home I was even over there. I did tell hostel staff if I was going on a hike etc though, just in case I didn’t come back. I was in my 30s at the time. I also used to do solo hikes in Italian mountains without telling anyone at all. Stupid, yes. I would expect my own kids to let me know where they were should they ever be stupid enough to go solo hiking in the Dolomites, but when I did it I was NC with my own parents and didn’t especially want them to know where I was.

People saying they do this mutually with their own family members are missing the point a bit I think. Presumably that level of contact reflects the mutual relationship.

Here someone wants to impose on the other and the other is resisting. That suggests this type of interaction is not reflective of the relationship. I have only known relationships where one wants to enforce this type of thing on the other to be those relationships that are strained (you owe this to me; I will worry myself sick if I don't hear from you; it's only respectful etc etc) as the relationship itself does not naturally have these connections.

I myself would never do this with my family and vice versa, but that again reflects our mutual attitude to each other (oh I'm sure X is on holiday now- I hope they're having a great time- must hear all about it when I next see them). And we are a close family

That's not an issue in these times with phones with us.

He's my oldest. I also have a 24 y/o, who lives abroad with her fiance. I rarely ask her whereabouts, because I know that her fiance would know if something happened, iyswim.

So would your son's friends if he didn't turn up to meet them though

I'm on two minds.

MIL always wants this information from DH and I find it annoying and intrusive. They have this routine of getting to a hotel and DH texting the hotel name, room number & return flight details. She also likes to video call and have a tour of our room 🙄When she goes away she sets up a WhatsApp group and sends updates 'Hi all, we've landed safely in X and are staying at Y".

I just find it too much. I'm an adult and don't need my MIL knowing my every move.

I do think your DS's text was unkind though. I wouldn't reply; I would back off and do what he asking.

Yes, but they don't know me or my son's father, or any other family members. So I guess, they could just assume son changed his plans and shrug it off. Meantime something bad could have happened, and no one would be any the wiser.

I do think your DS's text was unkind though. I wouldn't reply; I would back off and do what he asking

Yes, I haven't replied. I think he was rude and I have no idea what I could say back without saying that.

You are babying him and having bit of a but olympics here.

He is 25 he sorted his travel, his plans and that's it. Not everyone is into sharing everything. His friends are not idiots and would most likely wonder and if they couldn't reach him acted accordingly. Families are not the only ones who realise someone hasn't arrived somewhere.

All this "but what if" is not healthy. For anyone involved.

tbh op you sound like my relative.
who would call the hotel to find out what my plans are. or would call every single hotel in the area we are staying to find us.

that's doesn't really make for a relaxing holiday.
so we don't tell them when or where we are going.