If you were travelling alone in a foreign country, would you let someone know your itinerary, in case something happened to you?

[TortugaRumCakeQueen]

When my Mum was alive, if I was going away, she would always ask which hotel we were going to (in case of emergency), and she would check in on our return date, to make sure we landed safely. As mobile phones came on the scene, I would just text my Mum "Landed".

I have a 25 y/o son, who went off to USA for a holiday recently, travelling alone and meeting up in various locations to meet friends from Uni. I said that he should let someone know his travel plans, just in case something happened, and he accused me of treating him like he's 9. I just thought that was sensible!

His text was quite sarcastic and implied that I have no faith in him as an adult. There is no back story. We usually get along fine etc.

In fairness, I probably think about the "what if's" more than most : my DH is a Police Officer and deals with missing people cases every day. It's amazing how many people don't know where their loved ones are. Can you imagine the conversation?

Parent : My child went on a trip but hasn't returned home
Police : Where did they go?
Parent : USA somewhere
Police : Whereabouts?
Parent : I don't know
Police : Who were they visiting?
Parent : I don't know
Police : What flight were they meant to be on?
Parent : I don't know

Just seems sensible to let someone know your plans. I didn't even say it had to me, it could be his Dad of GF, just someone!

When me and DH go on holiday, I always text the kids and tell them where we are going and when.

Maybe it's just my family history? DH's family never ask when he is due back from holiday, and in all honesty we could have been kidnapped abroad and it would be 6 months before his Dad would even notice we were missing.

Blimey. I've travelled the world on my own and I never gave my mum any of that information. I don't use social media but neither does she so that wouldn't have helped. I really wouldn't have appreciated being asked for it neither, half the time I wouldn't have known where I was going until I got there, certainly wouldn't have been able to name the hostel etc.

I also carry a personal locator beacon so in most cases I can summon emergency help as long as I am alive and conscious. So I feel much less need for people to be aware of my location

I think these days that "plans" are not what they were before mobile phones and internet access. They are more last minute and less set in stone. We can now arrive in a town and find a hotel room online in the time we have ordered a coffee, the days of the itinerary are gone.

I travelled solo extensively in my twenties, and would phone from a phonebox when I came accross one, and sent letters. I think that expectation of contact from back home can backfire if you innocently are unable to make the phonecall (ie the line is down) and they presume you're in a ditch somewhere.

SIM cards are available all over the world now to pop in a mobile. It's easy enough for you to text him to say hi hows it going now and then, rather than expect a full itinerary that doesn't necessarily exist and is liable to change.

Doesn't stop you clutching your chest at 3am imagining where they are does it? 😬

No, I am like your son! Part of the enjoyment of solo travel for me is the freedom to change my plans and not feel obliged to be in regular contact anyway.

I've also done extended trips traveling alone for 3 months+, it would be a massive paper exercise to record every place I was staying and where I was going next, I think it's a bit of an ask. If he was going on a beach holiday for two weeks that would be a bit different.

Sure there is risk involved but there is in everything, to me the effort would not be worth the risk reduction.

So, I think I'm not being entirely unreasonable then.

I said that he should let someone know his plans. Either his Dad (we're divorced) or his girlfriend. I got a text last night that said:

"I'm in X waiting on my flight home. I'm at gate D6, and I will be sitting in seat 19A when I get on the plane. I'll have a 2 hour lay over in X, and then fly straight in to X lading at around 8am. Not sure what my seat will be for that flight yet, nor do I have any of the pilot's phone numbers, but I can ask"

I had no idea that he was due home today, that's how little I know. I also (obviously) didn't ask anything about gates or seats, he is being sarcastic!
I replied :

"I get it, I'm a pain in the ass. It's only because I love you so much xxx And I watch far too many missing person crime documentary programs!"

He replied :

"Can you please stop trotting out that excuse. At best it feels like you're totally dismissing me as though I'm still a foolish 9 year old, and at worst it feels like you're actively trying to guilt trip me. I know you're a worrier, and I know you're not going to change that, but it makes me feel like you don't take me seriously as an adult"

😳

Those replies came in after I went to bed, and I seriously don't know how to reply, if at all.

I am not controlling whatsoever. He lives 30 minutes away and we see him, maybe 2 or 3 a year, because he's always busy. I never put any pressure on him to meet up either. I only text about once every 10 days. I don't call, as I know he works long hours. He is quite happy to be in the child role when it suits him though. I bought him a snazzy new suitcase for his trip and sent him £100 spending money. Also, whenever we do manage to go out, I pay for everything, despite him being on a good salary.

Feeling a bit unloved today. 😥

I sometimes wonder whether he may be on the spectrum. He is highly intelligent, but sometimes says the strangest things. I had a tattoo recently to hide a scar and he jokingly called it a tramp stamp. He also didn't acknowledge his step dad's 50th recently (been in his life 14 years).

I love him so much, but this hurts.

What would anyone send as a reply? If at all. I feel like he has no respect for me at all. I would never have dared speak to my Mum like that. He wouldn't speak to his Dad like that either. His Dad cheated on me many times and beat me up twice. Son knows this, and yet idolises his father. I have always been the pushover. Always the one turning up with a van when he moves (4 times so far), whilst his Dad sits in the pub. Grr.

Me and DH always make sure our parents know which flights we're on and the hotel we'll be staying in, even if we're traveling together or as a family! To me it's just common sense as anything could happen. I'd say I'm even more cautious now we have Dc traveling with us, that someone knows our travel plans, if something happens to DH and me while we're aware it's comforting to know that there's people that know where DC are!

Wrll he isn't too wrong with that answer. It's not ute or funny "haaha i just watch too many crime series".

Here is the thing my family always said. If we don't know when you are all the time when in country, why should we need to know when outside of country. If you get hit by car, police will notify us.

And he is really not on spectrum because he is annoyed as 25 year old by requests about location😂

I never did this when I used to go travelling alone. Maybe some vague plans but things change and last minute plans are made all the time.

My husband travels with work and I don't see the point in knowing flight numbers etc. He'll call or text to say hello when he's at his accommodation. His parents used to worry a lot about him travelling for work but are a bit more chilled. They still text me if he hasn't let them know he's landed safe. This seems pointless to me because if his plane was going to crash a news notification would have alerted us already!

My mum used to insist that I gave her an itinerary and I always did until my most recent trip. I’m in my 40’s now and to be honest she’s a terrible worrier and a bit controlling so I’ve put my foot down.

I do always have my phone on roaming and check emails everyday so it’s not as though I’m not contactable.

Yes. Of course.

And what will they do and how will they find out something happened?

You need to let him get on with it and figure life out himself. I was always fiercely independent in my 20s and it worked out fine.

He knows you'd like to know his plans. He would prefer not to give them to you. You can't force him without majorly pissing him off.

Well sort of. I went for a short visit to a foreign country (a very safe one though!!) on my own and I didn't explicitly provide my OH with my itinerary, but, I share my location with him on Google Maps.
It's usually the young uns bridle at being asked for a rough itinerary! The older ones know problems are rare but they DO happen and stuff can go badly pearshaped really fast.Can be as simple as tripping on a paving stone and hitting your head, or a sudden serious infection.

No, what difference would it make?
It would be very easy to find out my itinerary by tracking my phone or credit card.

If we were staying in one place then we would make sure our daughters knew our flights and hotel but in the States we rarely had an intinerary, we made it up as we went along.
One thing we do do is have an agreed code word that would be included in any text sent in a distress situation, we are always reading about people being asked to send money to a stranded traveller, usually a young person, the code word is an indicator that it's genuine,

I would back off and respect his position. It doesn't matter whether you think you're being controlling or intrusive or not, surely, but more that this is how he's experiencing your behaviour? If you want to maintain a good relationship with your adult child, isn't that more important than the vanishingly unlikely possibility that he will go missing while abroad?

DH and I travel a lot for work, and don't generally let one another know more than the basics of departure and return for childcare purposes. It might be different if we were trekking solo in the forests of Bolivia, but we're usually in Europe or the US, occasionally the ME in his case.

I have always been the pushover. Always the one turning up with a van when he moves (4 times so far)

Then you stop spinning those things. No new items for a trip and no spending money, because he's an adult. No helping him move, because he's an adult..and next time he expects those things from you, you throw his words back at him.

"I'm just taking you seriously as an adult. You don't need your mum to do things for you, you're grown up and independent"

It would be different if he was an attentive and affectionate son, but he isn't. You have nothing to lose really as you already barely get to see him.

Argh. Doing, not spinning

Sorry OP, that's a really shitty response to get Based on what you said about your relationship with him vs his dad's, I'm guessing he lashes out at you because he feels safe doing so and knows you won't overreact or abandon him, whereas maybe he doesn't feel as secure in having disagreements with his father. Doesn't make it any easier for you though!If your relationship is normally good I think I'd just reply honestly, but making sure you're not being overly emotional - say that it's nothing to do with trusting his adulthood, you'd do the same if you were going abroad alone and that you're feeling a bit hurt by his snarky response. He's old enough to understand that he's upset you and apologise, and if he really does feel like you're being overly involved and anxious he can talk to you about it calmly without blowing up.

I've backpacked all over the world. Solo, with friends or partners or with other backpackers I met along the way. My plans often changed, we constantly went on spontaneous trips, we stayed in different places on a whim.
I'd still send a quick message with my plan/location and a screenshot of whatever accommodation or flights I'd booked to a loved one back home.

He’s telling you what’s important to him. Up to you if you want to listen to it and start a conversation or if the agreement from strangers on the internet who don’t know the context is enough for you.

It's life experience that makes some of us who are older be more aware of events that might need contact with us. When you've experienced health emergencies and tragedies in your own family and circle, you don't take things for granted.

I'm not worried about what might happen to me while I'm away. But should any of my immediate family be in trouble, I want to get back home asap. Which means I need them to be able to let me know.

The younger ones haven't had those things happen, so they maybe lack that empathy.

My DS (also 25) has just gone away on his own to a European destination which isn't really on the UK main tourist trail. I know where he is staying and his flight times. I asked him to text when he arrived at his apartment (he did send a 3 word text!). He is planning on travelling around to other towns/ cities which are 3 hours away from his base and staying overnight there. I've asked that he just text me on the days he'll be going and where.
I may also have suggested he takes his little used tablet with him just in case he loses/breaks his phone

As to how you reply - maybe just a "because I love you/care about you"

I used to travel when I was younger than his and before the days of mobiles but I was usually with 1 friend. But other than destination resort and day of departure/return I don't think my parents knew where I was (we often didn't know the accommodation until we arrived).

I think mobiles have given us an expectation that people should keep in touch more than they sometimes wish to.

Wow, OP, that was a really cruel text he sent you. I am sure you are devastated - I would be.

I would respond saying, I love you very much. But that was a cruel and ignorant message. Informing someone of your itinerary is just good practice, whatever your age. I have never questioned your adulthood - until you sent that. It was a melodramatic, sarcastic, nasty response to a reasonable request from one adult to another.