People who won't leave a restaurant when their child is kicking up

[JanetSally]

I was having dinner in a restaurant the other evening. A couple at another table had a small baby with them in a buggy. The mother had just fed the baby and put him back down but he wasn't happy and started crying, the noise escalating and escalating. The parents, who had finished their meal, very slowly finished their coffee/wine before leaving the restaurant despite the fact that people were turning around and looking at them.

I was in a cafe recently with a friend when her toddler started tantrumming. I said I was nearly finished and happy to go, but my friend said no, we'd paid for our food and were entitled to stay. She just wasn't budging, so I took her child outside while she finished every bit of her cake.

Why do some people do this? It's very unfair on everyone else in the restaurant.

I'm mortified when this happens and I leave the place asap including getting food in a box to go

We always take the kid who's making the noise out of the environment it's really unfair to expect everyone else to listen to that shit

The same as when I see a kid on the plane having a fuss whilst it's parents just ignore it

Drives me bonkers

I also wouldn't leave a screaming child in there, I personally would feel embarrassed so would step outside and calm them. But I wouldn't frown upon someone who didn't step outside. Unless I'd booked privately, I'd expect there would be children, and children make noise.

You're not wrong about the baby. They could have just comforted it.

Was the toddler actually tantrumming though? Why?

A relative ignores their disruptive child. It's just being a child apparently. The rest of us parent. They suspect ADHD and they use this as an excuse for all manner of behaviour. It's difficult and cause family rifts. They cannot see it though.

The same as when I see a kid on the plane having a fuss whilst it's parents just ignore it

Remember being on a plane with a father walking up and down the aisle giving us all the benefit of his screaming child. It was funny though, every time she screamed she looked around to see what effect she was having.

Mum bashing? Nope, its shit parent bashing.

I dont know anyone who wants to listen to screaming babies or tantrumming toddlers when they are eating out.

When mine did this I always removed them from the area so that it didn't piss everyone else off. It's was always be that had to leave my meal or conversation because my exh was a selfish prat but that's a different story. Some parents can't seem to accept that their lives change when they have small children and still try to do everything they did before kids came along.

This is the sensible answer.

Posh restaurant or after 8pm you are entitled to quiet. Other times and places show a little compassion, but I would expect parents to be trying to fix the problem one way or another.

So if they sit still they are ‘ignoring’ the child and annoying everyone, if they walk up and down to calm them/entertain them they are still annoying people!

What exactly would you want the parent to do in this situation?

While I don't expect total quiet in a busy daytime cafe, and a bit of crying/the occasional toddler shriek/shout/laugh is fine, even in the day I'd expect a tantrumming/screaming child to be taken out. It's basic decency. Just like obviously groups of adults will laugh/speak loudly sometimes, but even in a daytime cafe I would take a dim view of them doing full-on shouting/shrieking.

I avoid "Family friendly" restaurants for this reason.
If my meal is disturbed I don't stay for pudding/coffee/wine and I let the staff know why.
8pm on a Saturday is not an appropriate time to drag a toddler to a decent restaurant, I don't understand parents that assume they can carry on as before?

The time and place is irrelevant. Pizza Hut, cafe at 3pm, whatever. If your dc is proper kicking off, you leave. An inconsolable screaming baby is not a welcome addition to any cafè or restaurant.

If you are on your own with dc, down the coffee or ask staff to box the pizza. If another adult is there, take dc outside briefly and see if that sorts the problem. If not, you all leave.

Because they are selfish assholes.

Day or night, even if it’s kid friendly.. it doesn’t mean your child can just scream and scream and scream.

I genuinely don't find this to be a problem. We were all babies once.

Planes, buses, trains... parents and children need to get where they are going. Other passengers just have to suck it up.

Eating out is optional.

The worst is when you are stuck on a plane with a screaming baby/toddler.
Specially when the parents are ignoring it. Bloody selfish.

Remember being on a plane with a father walking up and down the aisle giving us all the benefit of his screaming child.

Sometimes a child will just scream and scream and nothing will appease them. Get some noise-cancelling headphones for flights. I have way more problems with the behaviour of adults on flights than I ever do with a small child.

Such a lazy argument.

Yes, we were all babies, toddlers and children once. That doesn't free us of the same parenting responsibilities that our parents had when we were.

Being a parent doesn't absolve you of the need to be polite and respectful to those around you. In fact, if anything, you need to become more attuned to how your behaviour might affect others as small children certainly aren't.

I don’t mind small children crying or playing up, it doesn’t bother me, it’s groups of adults talking really loudly non stop that irritates me, or talking loudly on their phones.

Some parents are just selfish and lazy.

One of the frequently repeated bits of advice on here is to ignore toddler tantrums. To not give them the attention they are seeking and it will stop. Is that not true on planes or in restaurants, only in supermarkets, parks and at home?

My DD is now 6 months old and pretty portable - rarely cries in restaurants/cafes now, will squeal or scream (for fun) sometimes because that's how she 'talks'. She loves going to these places because there's so much to see, smell, hear.

Up to 5 months old, however, she was pretty much non-portable. I couldn't go anywhere with her, not even the park. I mean, I would still go to the park because both of us needed the fresh air, but she'd be screaming all the way, people staring at us or coming up to me with 'advice' or to ask what was wrong with her, there was no way of calming her down, not even holding her would work. She was a difficult baby, and I don't doubt she's going to be difficult again in the future (but hoping not). But at least it happened during the summer months, so we could be outdoors.

I didn't sit in a cafe or anywhere else during that time. It was at times incredibly hard; it stopped me from socialising with other mothers who could take their children indoors. I was so worried about people staring and being uncomfortable, but to my own detriment.

Yes, it was my choice to have a child, but we were all screaming babies at some point, and our parents still deserved a decent life and a treat now and then.

A HCP told me once that those who don't like being around children in public spaces have the choice to stay at home, or go to places where children are not allowed. It's brutal, but the reality is that by going outside you run the risk of bumping into annoying people. Like babies, and young children. And people staring at their parents.

I do think crying children should not be ignored though, which is where the people in your examples went wrong. I'd pick up my child and try to comfort her, maybe go out for a minute, walk about the place while I tell her about what we're seeing, etc.

I said I was nearly finished and happy to go, but my friend said no, we'd paid for our food and were entitled to stay. She just wasn't budging, so I took her child outside while she finished every bit of her cake.

I would also have eaten the cake, especially if my friend had kindly taken DS out of earshot

The Ivy at 9pm - YANBU.

Nando's at 5:30pm - YABU.

Context matters.