To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

[yafifo2462]

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

I’m with you!

This girls BF has cancer. She will remember this for the rest of her life and it will shape her in some way.

Give the 'day off' your blessing. It will be remembered.

How devious of her 🙄

Is your work flexible?

If so I'd send her to school for the morning, pick her up from school at lunchtime (she can take some clothes to change into and lateral flow in the car) and take her over. Pick her up again at the end of the visit.

I think that she'll probably need a bit of support. This sounds like its a big deal, that he has been very ill, and that he is likely to still look very poorly.

I'd also probably take flowers and a cake/casserole/posh ready meals for the mum.

@IveDroppedMiBiscuitInMiBrew disagree with the high school boyfriend being forgotten about! I'm married to mine!

The likely hood he'll be discharged in the morning wound be unlikely as normally you have to wait around for Drs, meds, discharge papers.
School finishes around 3ish Im assuming, being at school might be a good distraction for her till she finds out when he's home

Will they not remember it if her visit is postponed until 3.30pm once school finishes?

What @MarrymeKeanu said.

Yes, she’ll definitely remember if she was there when he left, vs going round after

If it were your daughter in hospital wanting for company of partner or friends I suspect you may feel rather differently. It's the kind thing to do for the boyfriend.

The feelings teenagers have are real, and strong, and the DD would remember forever if her mother was this cold

Nobody's suggesting she should somehow be prevented from seeing him, only that there are alternatives for how to do it which take into account the needs of all

It's not uncommon for a 15 year old to seize on the current "issue" as being the only thing that matters or ever will, and that's where it can be useful for adults - who usually have a broader understanding - to be on hand to guide and advise

Just let her go. It's cancer. She will learn more about life, love and humanity than she will for that day in school.

Left where? Nothing in OP’s posts indicates that dd was invited to be with him when leaves the hospital.

It all reads like OP visiting him at home.

I took it to meean being there if he dies, HuggsBosom (could be wrong of course)

He might be terminally ill. How do we know ?

Why can you not pick her up after school (missing out the after-school club), then drop her off, so she'd be round there for about 4pm-ish?

I think taking all day off school might be a bit much - as PPs have said, it can take a while to be discharged and get home, so he may not even be home and settled until around 2/3pm. Her boyfriend is also quite likely to be very tired, so a two/three-hour visit might be enough.

OP specifically said it isn't end of life

@CeeceeBloomingdale I missed that. 😬

@America12 and @CeeceeBloomingdale terminal and end of life aren't the same thing, terminal just means the disease is likely to be the thing that kills you. End of Life means you're pretty near. But with all things there's no guarantee.

Did the OP let her have the day off? (Don't have time to scroll all the way back

That's in very simplistic layman terms btw, I don't work in palliative care

Yes I know that, my point was waiting a few hours wouldn't make a difference if it's not end of life

Physically you’re right, but mentally & emotionally for both the DD and the boyfriend that probably isn’t the case.

I don’t even think it’s terminal. His mum said he was only supposed to be in for a week, so it reads as if he’s making a recovery.

This is what I'd do - write her a note including the teacher's number to call you if they aren't happy.

So? I mean consider if it were a case of pregnant woman in labour in hospital, still early hours so probably another 10-12hrs to go. How would you react being that pregnant woman, in labour, wanting that support if your baby daddy was like, oh I can’t miss work, you’ll still be in labour by the time I clock off so I’ll see you after work.

Childbirth is far less likely to be life threatening than any type of childhood cancer.

Theres no physical need to be there. But the not coming to your side when there is a clear emotional need and you’ve asked for it specifically speaks volumes. It doesn’t have to be end of life for it to matter. And so obviously making your loved one not a priority over work (or school) for the sake of one day is going to have a significant mental and emotional impact. Feeling abandoned, feeling less than… For the DD as she is being blocked from going, resentment towards her mother, distress at the thought of how her absence is impacting her boyfriend,

So yes, a few hours can matter. A lot.