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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

227 replies

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 21:10

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

OP posts:
StrictlyCandelabra · 14/11/2022 23:49

MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

100% this. Good God, the boy has cancer. One day off school will make no odds to her education and a world of difference to the emotional needs of your daughter and her boyfriend, and even his family.

Message his mum back and ask her what time your daughter should be there. That way, if they do want family time to get him settled, she'll let you know and maybe your daughter could go to school for the morning.

(I absolutely hate it when teachers say "I'm a teacher" as if that makes their opinion carry more weight, it doesn't, but I am a teacher and fucking hell I'd be getting my daughter there for when she wants to be).

Legallypinkish · 14/11/2022 23:49

No yanbu. I’d let her go after school and miss the club.

EpicChaos · 14/11/2022 23:50

There are some things that schools just can't teach and yet the learning of which is worth a thousand fold the value of knowing what an escarpment is!

keeprunning55 · 14/11/2022 23:59

Of course you should let her have the day off! I can’t believe you are questioning it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/11/2022 00:00

MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

Love this. I think it would be a very nice thing to do.

Jewel7 · 15/11/2022 00:00

My first thought was not to encourage her to miss school. But one day isn’t going to hurt! If he was my child I would love that he had her in his life for normality.

Moon22 · 15/11/2022 00:03

Of course she should miss a day of school- or more- to go and support her sick boyfriend. He is 15 and has cancer. I can't even believe this is up for discussion! God knows what him and his family are going through.

Mamanyt · 15/11/2022 00:05

I'm going to vote with what seems to be the majority here. Go to school, skip the club and see the boyfriend.

dutysuite · 15/11/2022 00:07

Life is too short, I’d let my DD have the day off.

Cornishclio · 15/11/2022 00:10

You don't know when he will be discharged. He could be waiting all day in hospital and not get home until late anyway so your DD would have taken the day off for nothing. Let her go after school and she misses her club.

Booklover3 · 15/11/2022 00:13

I would let her go

wineNcheeseifYplease · 15/11/2022 00:15

You should let her have the day off. Her boyfriend has cancer. The emotional turmoil for an adult in this situation would be huge, let alone someone so young. You risk driving a wedge between you by diminishing how Important this is to her. I cant believe you need to ask.

LongLostTeacher · 15/11/2022 00:26

I would mentally project myself into the future by ten or 15 years and consider how I would like my child to remember me and what values I would like them to remember I displayed during this hard time.

Angrywife · 15/11/2022 00:37

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 23:47

School including the club would finish at 4:30, she'd be walking home as normal which takes about 20 minutes and then she'd get changed and id take her which is about a 25 minute/half an hour drive. She can spend the rest of the week seeing him but she also wants to tomorrow so I might try and see if school will allow me to pick her up earlier.

She will be doing a LFT as she always does before seeing him. It isn't end of life as I've been messaging his mum and she told me he went into hospital for his op and he was only supposed to be in for about a week but whilst recovering from that he caught a cold which turned into a chest infection which made him very unwell but he's now recovered from that. DD knows he'll be tired as he's told her but has said he wants them to watch films together etc. His parents will be there so can end the visit if they think they need to but usually, DS and her boyfriend are good at ending it themselves.

School can't force her to stay for the after school club, it's out of school hours and none of their business what she'll be doing instead of going.
There's no reason why she can't just leave as normal and go to see him at the end of the school day

encantorerun · 15/11/2022 00:43

Definitely let her have the day off.

Epicstorm · 15/11/2022 00:46

Let her miss school. If the boot were on the other foot wouldn’t you want your daughter to be important enough to miss school for?

Joystir59 · 15/11/2022 00:59

It can take hours and hours to be discharged from hospital, so she could be taking the day off for nothing.

Nevertouchakoala · 15/11/2022 01:17

They can’t force her into staying after school hours. I’d tell her just to leave after school and get them to call you if they have an issue. They are school not a prison. (I’m a teacher)

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 15/11/2022 01:30

I’d just let her have the day off tbh.
God bless them both

NumberTheory · 15/11/2022 01:40

I would push for her to go to school but intercede so that it’s easy for her to leave at the end of the school day, without attending the extra tuition.

There is no point in her hanging around at home while he’s being discharged. And, even though he’s probably really keen to see his girlfriend, his parents would probably benefit from some time with him settling back at home without her around. It sounds like, so long as she can skip the club, she’ll be providing the support he’s asked for.

She’s young and supporting someone with cancer is a big emotional task. She needs her own life normalised as much as possible. Going to school, seeing her friends, concentrating on her lessons, even if she’s a bit distracted, is important for her emotional health. And the healthier she is, the better support she can be for him (and the better it is for her).

Blisterinthe · 15/11/2022 01:53

Please let her go. Because nothing will sink in that day. NOTHING apart from possibly resentment towards you.
I say this as someone who read every reply on this thread and cried, and texted my family a wee thank you for supporting me through a similar relationship.
These days, discharge from a hospital stay, result days regarding his cancer, the all clear day and the terminal diagnosis day are all big events that she might have to go through with him - and in the unfortunate event that he does pass away from cancer will be some of the memories she might cherish the most. I say this because I do, these experiences are difficult and as a 13-18 year old who went through this we somehow experienced ourselves as incredibly naive and stuck in a very bleak reality. Every discharge day we’d eat strawberries until we couldn’t anymore and we Had group video calls with our friends, they’d study and we’d try to join in. Let her make these memories because no matter what. She will remember them.

(P.S. do give her a good talk about contraception and the importance of them. For her sake. And buy.condoms. Can’t stress that enough.)

Swapshopped · 15/11/2022 02:25

let her take the day off. He’s got cancer! Just think of the emotional boost this will give him, after a hospital stay. I know you run the risk of it being a ‘thing’ from here on in, but one day isn’t going to hurt.
most of the comments I’ve read that are in support of the day off are from people with first hand experience of this.

cancer as a teenager- tragic. Wishing him well.

kateandme · 15/11/2022 03:39

I cannot beleive we are putting school above the health of anyone.never mind her boyfriend. This is a major milestone coming home when it treatment.
every time you get a cold is fearful with cancer. and if it gets worse,it develops it’s extremely serious and bloody scary.
let your dd go see him for the day. This will enrich their lives way more than any day of school could.

PriOn1 · 15/11/2022 04:02

If the worst happens, think how she (and you) will feel. You haven’t said there’s anything crucial she’ll miss by taking a day off school. I’d let her miss school. Obviously school is important, but it’s one day for something that seems fairly significant.

Nowheretoogo · 15/11/2022 04:46

Let her go,if he passes away she will never forgive you.