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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

227 replies

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 21:10

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

OP posts:
LuciferRising · 14/11/2022 21:57

This stuff is important. What values do you want her to learn?

I'd let her go.

EsmeeMerlin · 14/11/2022 21:58

I wouldn't have the heart to say no, don't you remember teenage love and the boy has been through the wringer. Do they go to the same school? Surely the school would be understanding about one day missed in these circumstances.

theinfomationactionratio · 14/11/2022 22:02

Let her go! Imagine how happy it will make them both, sometimes things are more important than one day of school. I wouldn't think twice if it was one of mine they've both been through a lot and this could make all the difference to them both.

Lifeisnotarehearsal · 14/11/2022 22:03

I’d let her go. And be proud of her for supporting her bf.

2greenroses · 14/11/2022 22:06

Hmm, you have a duty to protect your daughter

a) from feeling totally abandoned in a situation where she is way out of her depth, if she is left with a seriously ill person for hours and hours, quite likely he will need sleep and wont want her there all day

b)from knowing she has passed on the covid that killed/crippled another teenager
And that is without your duty to protect the other young person involved as well.

c) from getting behind in her education

A short visit, after school, instead of the after school club, while maintaining her own routines and normal life - that is what I would recommend

2greenroses · 14/11/2022 22:06

and she takes a lft first

Stevenage689 · 14/11/2022 22:08

If this was the only way, I'd let her go, and I'd tell the school the reason, accepting that it would be unauthorized. I'd explain to dd that it wasn't an easy decision and can't be repeatedly in the same circumstance, comparing it to a job, where she wouldn't be given compassionate leave for this.

But I don't see why she can't go after school, instead of or before/after the club. Teenagers should have plenty of time after school for socialising, any day.

LucyAutumn · 14/11/2022 22:09

I think you need to reconsider OP, even if only the afterschool club 😬

tolerable · 14/11/2022 22:11

id let her

froggedup · 14/11/2022 22:12

Can she not call in 'sick' in the morning, go and visit her boyfriend, miraculously 'recover' by lunchtime and then go into school in the afternoon and do her club too? Or have a 'doctor's appointment' in the morning? I think you should let her go - in the grand scheme of things it's just one day, they'll both be happy to see each other and she'll be grateful to you for understanding how important it is to her and for letting her go.

Backtoblack1 · 14/11/2022 22:14

I’d let her go

greeandorange · 14/11/2022 22:15

Let her go, I've been in her position my parents supported me and it shaped how I care and think of other people, I'm so grateful to them for understanding and not dismissing my "teenage" feelings like so many would.

Marmite27 · 14/11/2022 22:15

I don’t understand all the posters saying let her go!

IMO she should absolutely go to school, I’d be ok with her missing after school club, but no way to the full school day.

Remember she’s only 15 and dealing with her boyfriend having cancer, what he wants (and what she thinks she wants) may not be the best thing for her. Help her protect herself.

TeddyBeans · 14/11/2022 22:16

They're still kids at the end of the day, trying to deal with very big issues and very big emotions. I think the school would be quite willing to put it down to extenuating circumstances for the day, especially if he's a student there too as they'll be very aware of his situation

tickticksnooze · 14/11/2022 22:17

2greenroses · 14/11/2022 22:06

Hmm, you have a duty to protect your daughter

a) from feeling totally abandoned in a situation where she is way out of her depth, if she is left with a seriously ill person for hours and hours, quite likely he will need sleep and wont want her there all day

b)from knowing she has passed on the covid that killed/crippled another teenager
And that is without your duty to protect the other young person involved as well.

c) from getting behind in her education

A short visit, after school, instead of the after school club, while maintaining her own routines and normal life - that is what I would recommend

I agree with this.

There are some really silly Romeo and Juliet type responses on here that are not considering reality.

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 14/11/2022 22:19

As others have said, whatever decision you make right now will be remembered by your daughter. Let her skip school this once. (And I'm a go to school come hell or highwater type of person). This is too important for her. She'll be useless in school anyway as her head won't be on any lessons.

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2022 22:21

My gut instinct is that she's able to see him, either by attending school and visiting instead of the after school club, or if need be by having an 'apppointment' in the morning/waiting for a call back from the GP.

What concerns me more is that at 15 this is quite a difficult experience for her and as a parent you've got a duty to support her through this. Will the boyfriend's parents be there? Are there adults ultimately running the situation there in case someone needs to be the grown up and say it's time for the visit to end?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 14/11/2022 22:24

Let her miss the after school activity. When someone gets discharged it takes ages, so he may not be out til lunchtime the earliest.

Itstheway · 14/11/2022 22:26

Absolutely let her go!! It’s one day off school and he has cancer. Don’t be that person

UWhatNow · 14/11/2022 22:27

“There are some really silly Romeo and Juliet type responses on here that are not considering reality.”

Well said. I’d be cautious about encouraging my young dd, at a crucial age, becoming too intimate with a potentially traumatic and life altering emotional experience as this goes on. I was heavily shielded from my brother’s own terminal cancer at 14 and in hindsight I’m grateful that grown ups had the wisdom to protect me in that way.

BarmyArmy22 · 14/11/2022 22:29

Normally I wouldn't advocate missing school but kid with cancer deserves every bit of happiness, let them see each other tomorrow.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/11/2022 22:30

I wouldn’t let her miss school. She can miss the club and spend a couple of hours with him straight after school and be gone by 6pm. She can do the same the next day and the next day. She’s 15, she’s not his wife. She can do every day, but has to be in school until 3.30pm.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/11/2022 22:30

In all probability he won’t be home till the afternoon as discharge takes forever, so I’d whiz her over straight after school with no club.

Isithotinhere · 14/11/2022 22:33

I think skipping the afterschool club rather than a whole day of school would be best.

He's unlikely to get home before mid/late morning and his family will want to spend some time with him - and he may need to rest.

It could be very awkward if she goes to visit for the day and his family resent her for being there for so long.

And as PPs have said, you need to protect her from what could be a very traumatic experience if he passes away - a day off school to welcome him home is making it a big deal.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2022 22:34

Let her take the day off. But she needs to take a covid test, and you also need to prepare her that he might look different.