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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

227 replies

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 21:10

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

OP posts:
carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 07:51

MenopauseMavis · 15/11/2022 07:49

Would you be like this is if was just a friend, a close female friend, rather than a boyfriend? As I’d also let her have the day off in that situation.

His mother has asked for your DD to come. You seem to have no thought of empathy for her and what she is going through. Having her son’s girlfriend waiting for him when he comes home and being able to stay and watch videos with him - don’t you think that his mother will take a little bit of comfort from that? Something “normal” and teenage after a really frightening time.

School isn’t that important . You sound self centred and it isn’t even your DD you are putting first.

I agree with this too - them just having a day together could be so comforting.

Heyhoniddy · 15/11/2022 07:54

Oh my gosh, have you had cancer? It’s not like getting flu.

Norriscolesbag · 15/11/2022 07:55

Ridiculous and completely black and white first replies. Of course let her go.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 15/11/2022 07:56

MenopauseMavis · 15/11/2022 07:49

Would you be like this is if was just a friend, a close female friend, rather than a boyfriend? As I’d also let her have the day off in that situation.

His mother has asked for your DD to come. You seem to have no thought of empathy for her and what she is going through. Having her son’s girlfriend waiting for him when he comes home and being able to stay and watch videos with him - don’t you think that his mother will take a little bit of comfort from that? Something “normal” and teenage after a really frightening time.

School isn’t that important . You sound self centred and it isn’t even your DD you are putting first.

This angle for me is the strongest. I'd missed it was a request from the BFs mother. She knows her son the best and how having your DD will make him feel. I don't wantt to sound harsh but that for me trumps how you feel.

tryingsomethingnew · 15/11/2022 07:57

Yes, let her go. It's one day. Sure if you feel strongly about it explain that you support them enough to let her go today, but it can't happen every time. Depending if it's good news, or god forbid not good news- perhaps warn the school so that they can support her too. Just say illness today.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/11/2022 07:58

Can you not just call the school and tell them she won't be doing the after school tuition ?

Sellorkeep · 15/11/2022 07:59

pick her up from school and drop her there.

Gymrabbit · 15/11/2022 07:59

A lot of people are saying ‘it’s just a day off school’ and I totally agree that one day off school is not a massive problem.
BUT
the OP has said that she have already taken a week off, some time when he was waiting for results initially and then when he got results.

To me this was the strange decision that was made, to allow repeated time off for a boyfriend of a few months. The daughter is going to think it’s very unfair now because you pandered to her at the start.

it’s highly likely that he won’t be out until lunchtime at the earliest and possibly not at all tomorrow so definitely no need to take her out of school until lunchtime at the earliest.

and again, you and she were happy to have loads of time off before so why there is any suggestion that she wouldn't be able to miss the after school class I don’t know.

rainbowstardrops · 15/11/2022 08:00

I'd ring the school and explain the situation and say she won't be in because it's exceptional circumstances. They'll either authorise it or they won't but they can't drag her in.

Spanielsarepainless · 15/11/2022 08:02

Miss the after school club.

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 08:02

To me this was the strange decision that was made, to allow repeated time off for a boyfriend of a few months. The daughter is going to think it’s very unfair now because you pandered to her at the start. This is a very strange and dismissive comment - all boyfriends in the early stages are boyfriends of a few months, my DH was very serious to me within only a few months.

The feelings teenagers have are real, and strong, and the DD would remember forever if her mother was this cold.

romdowa · 15/11/2022 08:04

When I was 15 and had I been in your daughters situation and you wouldn't let me take the day off. I'd have just bunked off instead and gone to see him. Even my mother as strict as she was , would have let me take the day off. Its one day of school, hardly a big deal. Poor girl

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 15/11/2022 08:05

Does she know what time he's coming home from hospital? All I know is that they could be waiting around for medications or discharge papers and be mightn't be out until the afternoon! Then she's just had a day staying at home.
I'm sure if she explains to the after school club what is happening she wouldn't have to stay.

Gymrabbit · 15/11/2022 08:08

carefulcalculator

if everyone had time off work/school every time someone they loved was having investigations for possible cancer the world would come to a stand still. There was no need to have lots of time off while her boyfriend was waiting for results at all.

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 08:10

Gymrabbit · 15/11/2022 08:08

carefulcalculator

if everyone had time off work/school every time someone they loved was having investigations for possible cancer the world would come to a stand still. There was no need to have lots of time off while her boyfriend was waiting for results at all.

This response is so emotionally repressed, I couldn't imagine seeing the world as you do.

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/11/2022 08:18

I'd pick her up from school at 1.30 and drive her straight there. Just inform school . No need to miss whole day but this will help her feel supported

caterpillar1485 · 15/11/2022 08:19

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 08:10

This response is so emotionally repressed, I couldn't imagine seeing the world as you do.

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But it's true isn't it? Does your boss allow you time off if your DP is unwell, or going to the doctors for an investigation?

IveDroppedMiBiscuitInMiBrew · 15/11/2022 08:23

You can't miss school to go see a bf, she can miss the afterschool thing but school itself absolutely not. This is a high school boyfriend she'll have forgotten in a few months time I wouldn't be treating this as anything else. What would you tell school "x is off today as she's spending the day with her boyfriend" unauthorised absence.

Summerof22 · 15/11/2022 08:26

I’m 52 and when I look back into my life, I don’t remember a random school day in November when I was 15.

Life is made of special moments and in this case, she’s not even being selfish, she’s doing something special for a friend (shouldn’t even matter if he’s her boyfriend) that is going through something unthinkable and has asked for something to look forward to when he gets home. Like someone said above, he wants to do something normal and comforting.

of course this cannot become the norm, but this once, I would totally allow it.

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 08:27

caterpillar1485 · 15/11/2022 08:19

But it's true isn't it? Does your boss allow you time off if your DP is unwell, or going to the doctors for an investigation?

Show quote history

It is pretty unusual for teens to have meaningful cancer investigations, I think you are missing the point by comparing from your adult point of view.

Adults, especially over 40s, have cancer investigations all the time because a) we are more likely to have all sorts of health issues as we age and b) those health issues are statistically more likely to be cancer because your risk of cancer increases with age.

A young teen being investigated for cancer is much rarer, and is also much more serious, because early cancers are often more aggressive.

Plus teens are in a different place emotionally, they do feel things intensely.

Obviously those parents who had little empathy in their own upbringing will have little empathy themselves, the levels of empathy people show are very varied.

PicturesOfDogs · 15/11/2022 08:30

I’d let my dd miss school for this.
For a boyfriend, even a friend.
It’s a big deal, and it’s one day.

LadyHarmby · 15/11/2022 08:34

She goes to school, misses the after school tuition, you pick her up from school to save time and let her stay round his later than you usually would.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 15/11/2022 08:35

IveDroppedMiBiscuitInMiBrew · 15/11/2022 08:23

You can't miss school to go see a bf, she can miss the afterschool thing but school itself absolutely not. This is a high school boyfriend she'll have forgotten in a few months time I wouldn't be treating this as anything else. What would you tell school "x is off today as she's spending the day with her boyfriend" unauthorised absence.

😳

viques · 15/11/2022 08:36

I think missing the after school club/ tuition is the answer, not because I am against her missing a whole day of school but because I think the boyfriend who has just come out of hospital after what is likely to have been quite aggressive treatment might not be up to a whole day visit on his first day back. Hospital stays can be draining both emotionally and physically, even for a normally active teen. A couple of hours chilling with a movie after school sounds a good way to welcome him home. Towards the end of the week/ the weekend he will be ready for a longer visit.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 15/11/2022 08:36

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 15/11/2022 08:35

😳

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Please tell me your comment is because you didn't read the original post?