Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

227 replies

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 21:10

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

OP posts:
MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

BusyMum47 · 14/11/2022 23:21

Let her go. 100%. Just tell school she's ill.

fairycupcakes · 14/11/2022 23:22

Please let her have the day off to see him

womanofthemoon · 14/11/2022 23:22

I’d let her have the day off. It’s such a huge thing and I can’t imagine she would be able to focus much at school anyway.

latetothefisting · 14/11/2022 23:22

They can't make her stay after school, it's voluntary! Just write her a letter saying she can't stay.

Although if the bf also went to the same school he can't live very far away. If after school club runs until 4.30/5pm at the latest and she goes straight to his house she can spent a few hours there and still be home by 9pm, no idea why this would be late by anyone's standards nor need her to stay off school!

iamjustwinginglife · 14/11/2022 23:23

MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

You are absolutely right!!!

Please just let them see each other. It may be young love but to them it is everything and, who knows, they will hopefully grow old together!!

Midnightsbecomemyafternoons · 14/11/2022 23:23

MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

I would too.

OP's reluctance to let her daughter go speaks volumes. Something like this won't be forgotten. I have never looked at a certain relative in the same way since they exhibited coldness not too dissimilar to this. I avoid them like the plague.

fairycupcakes · 14/11/2022 23:24

MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

this

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2022 23:25

Are you able to pick your dd up from school? And do you know the parents at all? This is one of those times, where perhaps I’d ask the parents a suitable time to visit, collect your dd and take her there then. I know at 15 she will mostly be managing her life, however, it would be nice to support her and him. I wouldn’t tell dd this, I’d just say you were collecting at normal time.

Schnooze · 14/11/2022 23:25

Let her have a late night and if need be, go in a bit later the next day.

SirenSays · 14/11/2022 23:28

MarrymeKeanu · 14/11/2022 23:20

I must live in a different world!

He’s still a child.

He has cancer.

He’s coming out of hospital after receiving treatment for his cancer.

I would not only let my daughter have the day off school to go and see him, I would be driving her there with a gift for him and flowers for his mum.

I'd do this

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 14/11/2022 23:30

Just skip the after school class, you don't need to provide a reason for that, it's extra-curricular.
Though I don't understand why she couldn't go to see him after the extra class anyway. You say she wouldn't be able to stay long because she would need to come home to get ready for next day's school - does he live very far away? Surely school plus extra class means she'll be out by 5pm or so at the latest - how long is the journey to his house and the journey back home? If he was at the same school it can't be that far.
If he is just home recovering from surgery he will not want or need visitors staying for very long, he needs to be resting.

SemperIdem · 14/11/2022 23:30

They’re young - are they likely to be each other’s one and only? No.

But it’s just a day, your daughter won’t pass or fail her exams based on a single day. Let her have the day the day with him. You know if the roles were reversed, you’d hope he would be allowed to do the same for her.

It’s just one day.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/11/2022 23:33

Let's be honest, how much is she going to be concentrating? She'll just be clock watching and daydreaming

Cactusprick · 14/11/2022 23:34

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 22:35

The after school club is extra tuition for one of her subjects and she has said she has the same teacher last lesson so seems to think she'll be ‘forced’ into staying. We can't say she has an appointment as they usually ask for proof.

He did attend the same school so they know about her boyfriend but she had a few days off last academic year before he was diagnosed as she was worried about him and told me she wouldn't have been able to focus at school etc and then she was off for a few days when he told her his diagnosis as she was obviously very upset and school were understanding but I worry in case this year they aren't as it's her GCSE year.

Fuck whether they’re “understanding or not”. She can miss the after school tuition and tell the truth. There is more to life than that one extra tuition lesson, this one day.
like another poster said “what values do you want to teach her?”. There is more to life than work, school etc.

xprincessxjanetx · 14/11/2022 23:34

I'd give her the day off

Thehawki · 14/11/2022 23:35

I am still with my boyfriend that I had when I was 15 (now husband) I also got very sick (non life threatening) when I was 17. His reaction to my illness, and his ability to epathise and look after me is what sets him apart from nearly any one else in my life to this day. Bonds can be formed even at such a young age.

With him having cancer, and just getting back from surgery I would be letting her go. Life is short. One day in school is just one day in school, but this boy is sick and probably lonely too. It's incredibly difficult to be sick at such an young age, and they must both be scared by this. Give her the day off, take some flowers and drop her off. Your understanding means more to her than anything right now.

LBFseBrom · 14/11/2022 23:38

I think your daughter should have the day off school and go to see her boyfriend. Missing one day will not do any harm. The poor boy has cancer.

You are fortunate that she has asked you, I would have just truanted and gone!

saraclara · 14/11/2022 23:40

The school cannot ask you for proof of an appointment to miss an extra lesson that is after school hours.
Simply write a note/email/watever the system is, to say that she is unable to stay for it.

saraclara · 14/11/2022 23:41

(or let her have the day off)

Peony15 · 14/11/2022 23:43

If this was my child she would not be at school and most certainly seeing him come home from hospital. Especially at this age.
They'll both remember the day. Nothing she can learn at school
that day will make up for the emotional support shown. I can't believe attending school is seen as more important in these circumstances.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/11/2022 23:44

Just tell the school she won't be going to her after school club because (as they know) her boyfriend who has had cancer is just home from hospital today.

It's a perfectly good reason to miss the club.

There's no reason to miss the whole day.

CapMarvel · 14/11/2022 23:44

Absolutely I'd let her have the day off, if not for her but for the poor boy to have something positive to look forward to and do after what would have been a fucking awful time.

Have a bit of a heart, eh?

LaGioconda · 14/11/2022 23:46

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 22:35

The after school club is extra tuition for one of her subjects and she has said she has the same teacher last lesson so seems to think she'll be ‘forced’ into staying. We can't say she has an appointment as they usually ask for proof.

He did attend the same school so they know about her boyfriend but she had a few days off last academic year before he was diagnosed as she was worried about him and told me she wouldn't have been able to focus at school etc and then she was off for a few days when he told her his diagnosis as she was obviously very upset and school were understanding but I worry in case this year they aren't as it's her GCSE year.

They're not entitled to ask for proof for an after school club. Just send a note in saying she has to leave promptly tomorrow and will therefore have to miss the club. I don't see why she shouldn't tell the truth about the reason, it's not every day a close friend comes home from hospital treatment for cancer. It would probably help if you go to collect her and be ready to haul her out if necessary.

Original poster
yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 23:47

School including the club would finish at 4:30, she'd be walking home as normal which takes about 20 minutes and then she'd get changed and id take her which is about a 25 minute/half an hour drive. She can spend the rest of the week seeing him but she also wants to tomorrow so I might try and see if school will allow me to pick her up earlier.

She will be doing a LFT as she always does before seeing him. It isn't end of life as I've been messaging his mum and she told me he went into hospital for his op and he was only supposed to be in for about a week but whilst recovering from that he caught a cold which turned into a chest infection which made him very unwell but he's now recovered from that. DD knows he'll be tired as he's told her but has said he wants them to watch films together etc. His parents will be there so can end the visit if they think they need to but usually, DS and her boyfriend are good at ending it themselves.

OP posts: