To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

[yafifo2462]

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

The after school club is extra tuition for one of her subjects and she has said she has the same teacher last lesson so seems to think she'll be ‘forced’ into staying. We can't say she has an appointment as they usually ask for proof.

He did attend the same school so they know about her boyfriend but she had a few days off last academic year before he was diagnosed as she was worried about him and told me she wouldn't have been able to focus at school etc and then she was off for a few days when he told her his diagnosis as she was obviously very upset and school were understanding but I worry in case this year they aren't as it's her GCSE year.

I would let her go! I mean, say the worst happened and she didn't get to see him? Hypothetically speaking! That's a guilt that will stay with you for years!

Yabu let her go. I'd miss 1 day of work for my boyfriend if he had cancer and had just got out of hospital. No competition really.

Let her go to see him after school and miss the club.

You don’t need to provide proof as it’s not in school time, have a heart and some empathy and inform school for her that she’s not attending the after school club.

They can't ask for proof of why you cannot attend an after school club.

At this stage I'm really not sure it's possible to protect her from pain if he does pass away. And she will likely be resentful if she's prevented from seeing him when she otherwise could. I think any ship of her not being deeply hurt by this has probably sailed a long time ago.

I agree that it makes sense for her to go after school, though, rather than for the whole day- or if there's a specific reason she would be better going in the morning then perhaps support her to do that and she goes into school later.

I agree that ideally you'd want the boyfriend's parents present- it would be a lot for her if they were alone and he suddenly became unwell.

She's not going to want to delay until the weekend- if tomorrow really won't work, why can't she go after school on Wednesday?

An after school booster can't last more than 90 minutes, surely? What time will she be done if she did go? Surely not late enough that she has to go to bed straight away. At the very least, let her slack off homework that day and focus on her boyfriend.

Let her skip school. I'm a teacher and in our school, something like this would be authorised. Or just lie and say she's ill. But let her go.

So she tells them that X is just out of hospital and she is going to see him, and then she walks out of the building. They can't/won't physically prevent her from leaving, and I wouldn't imagine they would try to in this situation.

Or you discuss it with the school and tell them she won't be staying for the tuition and tell them why. I wouldn't get into lying to the school- at some point you may need their support on this again.

I'd be really, really surprised if they even tried to suggest she stayed, given the circumstances.

Oh for god's sake, let the girl go. Do you honestly expect anything to sink in on that day anyway? Could you concentrate at work in the same situation? Let her go. He's got cancer! A few hours of school missed will not affect her in any way. But knowing she's unsupported and that her very real feelings are not being regarded will.

I would think if he's only just out of hospital an all day visit might be too much for him.
Also a lot for her to deal with.
Id absolutely let her visit tomorrow but for a shorter length of time. Either miss the after school club and go then or take the afternoon off and go for a couple of hours then. Too long a visit could be too overwhelming for either/both of them.

Just tell the school she is unable to stay for her after school session this week as she has something on. End of story.
They cannot ask for proof as it's after the end of the school day!

This. I suspect he is more unwell than you realise. What the hell is wrong with you that you would prioritise a standard after school club for something your dd might regret not doing literally for the rest of her life?

I'd let her go. Missing a day off school isn't going to hinder her education. It must be very tough on them both.

Day off school

I lost a close friend to Hodgkin’s lymphoma at that age. It was traumatic and if Id not been by their side for support and final goodbyes, I would have regretted it. Especially knowing they’d asked for me and wanted to see me. This is a dying wish, you have to respect that.

If my parents had forced me to stay away in the name of school, I never would have forgiven them. My DD in YR13 also just lost a friend and classmate last week to cancer as well. My older DD lost a friend to suicide last year. You can’t protect your children forever from the reality of losing friends to death.

I would let her miss one day of school for this. She can easily catch up one day of school. She may never get that one day back with her boyfriend/friend. This is a human being that is likely to die before ever reaching adulthood. Do not rob her of the opportunity to be with them.

Sending her to school that day is likely to be wasted anyway, how will she even be able to concentrate and pay attention when this tragedy is unfolding? Whether you send her in or not, make no mistake no learning will happen.

I’d send her to school but not the club.

I think she should attend school and miss the after school tuition.

But it’s your call OP.

He’s well enough to go home so it’s not an end of life situation. School and see him after.

Missing one day of school is hardly a big deal. I would let her go see him. Is she getting support when she's going through her boyfriend having cancer?

@Benjispruce4 how would you know? People are allowed home for palliative care.

I really hope it’s not that bad but who knows? He just wants to see his girlfriend.

Just tell the school she's leaving at the end of the day. They can't force her to stay for tuition

I’d ring the school and tell them she can’t stay for tuition and that you will be picking her up.

I wouldn’t let her have the whole day off.

@Lochjeda good point.