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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD have the day off school tomorrow

227 replies

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 21:10

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 14/11/2022 22:53

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Just from OP’s posts. She says he didn’t wanted her to see him when he was very unwell. He’s now well enough to come home. She hasn’t said he is not recovering. That would be a different situation.

hiredandsqueak · 14/11/2022 22:54

I'd let her go. My ds lost his best friend in sixth form, you can't protect them from pain but you can support them in whatever way you can whilst they go through the trauma with their friend/ boyfriend/girlfriend. One day of missing school might feel all important to you just now but one day missing the opportunity to see her boyfriend could very well be something that you dd finds very difficult to reconcile should the worst happen.

Tannedandfake · 14/11/2022 22:55

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 22:35

The after school club is extra tuition for one of her subjects and she has said she has the same teacher last lesson so seems to think she'll be ‘forced’ into staying. We can't say she has an appointment as they usually ask for proof.

He did attend the same school so they know about her boyfriend but she had a few days off last academic year before he was diagnosed as she was worried about him and told me she wouldn't have been able to focus at school etc and then she was off for a few days when he told her his diagnosis as she was obviously very upset and school were understanding but I worry in case this year they aren't as it's her GCSE year.

Even an after school revision / coaching session, surely only run for an hour or so??
Can’t she go and see him after that for an hour?

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/11/2022 22:56

WeepingSomnambulist · 14/11/2022 21:37

Why not? Surely you would take the day off if it was your partner or husband?

No point in saying that this isnt the same. It is to them. To you, it's a high school boyfriend and maybe a bit silly. To them, it's the most commetted relationships they've got experience of and they're going through a traumatic time with one fighting cancer.

Just because they're kids, doesnt mean these things arent valid. We shouldn't treat them like less important because they're young. To her, this is the biggest thing going on. With adult eyes, it's a high school boyfriend but she doesnt have adult eyes. All she has is her experience and her feelings and they are important and, for the sake of her development and relationship with her mum, she needs to support her and help her through this. If this was 2 adults, then you'd absolutely take the day off work. Probably more than a day.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. In the scheme of things it’s a day. It won’t be forgotten if you are unsympathetic to something that will be so important to her.

Thurst · 14/11/2022 22:56

I’d let her have the day off. She must be traumatised by all this. Poor bairn.

Onnabugeisha · 14/11/2022 22:57

Benjispruce4 · 14/11/2022 22:47

He’s well enough to go home so it’s not an end of life situation. School and see him after.

Not necessarily. All those I have lost to cancer, they are released home for palliative and end of life care when nothing more can be done for them.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 14/11/2022 22:57

Covid is rife in schools at the moment they are taking serious risks with his health.

justgettingthroughtheday · 14/11/2022 22:58

Benjispruce4 · 14/11/2022 22:47

He’s well enough to go home so it’s not an end of life situation. School and see him after.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that sadly. Being well enough to be home means nothing.

NoDoor · 14/11/2022 22:58

Let her miss the aftershock hook club, it’s not compulsory, failing that a day off school might help them both.

Floralnomad · 14/11/2022 22:58

Just send in a note saying she can’t stay to the after school lesson fgs

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/11/2022 22:58

Agree with pp who say let her have this one day off from school. In the grand scheme of things one day off from school will have little to no impact on your dd’s life. But, having this opportunity to spend time with her boyfriend who has been away in hospital seriously ill might have long lasting affect as a positive life experience.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/11/2022 23:00

Another vote here for missing the after school club to see him, then a longer visit at the weekend if he's well enough

I was surprised though that you said "she had a few days off last academic year before he was diagnosed as she was worried about him", considering they weren't "together" until this year - one way and another it sounds like a lot of emotion for a 15 year old to take on her shoulders

Midnightsbecomemyafternoons · 14/11/2022 23:00

I can't believe this even requires any consideration on your part, what the hell is wrong with you?

She should absolutely go to see him, and I hope she does regardless of you and school.

NoDoor · 14/11/2022 23:01

Yes to the poster who said this ti her is everything. Just because she doesn’t live or is married to him, to her it’s the biggest thing in her life and equating to your DH being sick.
The way ti think if it is a toddler crying their eyes out when they lose a toy. You don’t tell them it’s just a toy, at that moment in life it is the biggest loss they have ever suffered and ti them it is a bereavement. Life then teaches them bigger things happen and losing a toy isn’t as big a loss.
so she is seeing this as what it is, the most and fist important person in her life she hasn’t seen and needs to see, let her go and remember how you helped.

OliveWah · 14/11/2022 23:01

I would email the teacher and say you have a family thing after school tomorrow, so DD won't be able to attend the after school revision session.

I remember what it's like to be 15 and in love, you should definitely facilitate this for your DD.

Fifthtimelucky · 14/11/2022 23:02

I wouldn't let her miss school or the extra tuition, especially as she missed so much school earlier in the year.

Her boyfriend is only coming out of hospital tomorrow and is unlikely to be able to cope with a long visit. An hour would probably be enough on the first day and presumably she could go again the day after and the day after that, building up the visits each time until the weekend.

GraceandMolly · 14/11/2022 23:02

You are so very unreasonable. You want to make your daughter wait for 4 days to see her boyfriend after an operation? You need to switch some empathy on.
Think about if it was someone important to you, would you really not miss a day at work to see them? Really?

Kikikik · 14/11/2022 23:04

It's one day of school! Seriously have some compassion.... If your friend at work said they were taking the day off to see their boyfriend who had just got out of hospital after cancer surgery you wouldn't judge that. Let your daughter have the day off!

QS90 · 14/11/2022 23:08

There are people on here saying not to let her go because it will be too difficult for her. It IS difficult, but she is already in this situation - she's not a toddler who will forget about the whole thing if she's distracted with school and an after school club, this is real life!

Not exactly the same, but when I was 14 I had a friend who was taken to live in a psychiatric unit as she has severe anorexia and self harm issues. It was tough seeing her there all cut up, skeletally thin, and on bad days raging out about how she was going to lose all the weight again as soon as she got out (happily she didn't, and went on to make a full recovery). But it didn't damage or disturb me (and I mainly got A* GCSEs 🙄). In fact, it made me a better person, more able to empathise and deal with "big feelings", as we all have to do sooner or later. Actually the poor way the school handled it did make me act out when I was there (I was a perfect student before). Luckily I had the support of my parents, who helped me make adult choices with regards to both my education and my sick friend. Trying to force me to just ignore the whole thing and focus on school like it was the only thing that mattered, would have had the opposite effect.

OhMaria2 · 14/11/2022 23:08

yafifo2462 · 14/11/2022 21:10

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU/insensitive but I'm not sure.

DD is 15, and she's been with her boyfriend since earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer not long after but DD has been supportive and has been seeing him as much as possible, messaging him etc which I have no issues with.

He went into hospital a few weeks ago for an op, he's stayed in longer than expected so DD hasn't seen him for a while as he didn't want her to see him whilst he was very unwell. He's now well enough to go home and he's due to tomorrow, I've had a message from his mum asking if DD can go and see him as he wants to see her. The issue is school, DD has said she wants to see him also but can't as she has an after school club so won't get home until late and when she can finally see him she won't be able to for long due to her needing to come home ready for school the next day. I've suggested the weekend but she's said she wants to see him tomorrow and she'll only miss a day of school and if she doesn't he'll be upset etc.

Now I'm second guessing myself and I'm wondering if I am BU and if I should just let her have the day off?

Is a single day at school that important?

iamjustwinginglife · 14/11/2022 23:08

Let her see her boyfriend-nothing school can teach her in one day can be more important. They should code as a c (exceptional circumstances) but most likely won't so just lie and say she's got a headache!!

MyMumSaysALot · 14/11/2022 23:13

@yafifo2462

If your daughter’s school is as inconsequential as mine was, one day is not the end of the world.
My mum was extremely strict and would force me into going even when I was really ill.

Cancer is consequential, though, and whether or not this boy survives, you can’t predict. Please don’t take this one day away from the kids, and,
Please - don’t be like my mum.
Your daughter will be forever grateful. ❤️

blackpearwhitelilies · 14/11/2022 23:13

I'd let her go and see her boyfriend. Some things just are much more important that a day's school and this is one of them.

ThereIbledit · 14/11/2022 23:15

He's going to get tired easily. can some compromise not be reached where you take her to see him in his lunch break or just take her out of school an hour early?

Tummytroubles22 · 14/11/2022 23:20

Do you remember being 15 when your friends and boyfriend were your absolute world? I got a day off school once when my best friend got some horrible news and her mum called mine saying I was the only person she wanted. We just spent the day hanging out watching movies and eating sweets. It’s one of my most precious memories from my teenage years.

Let them have that time, he will be in desperate need of some normality too after weeks in hospital. She will always remember tomorrow, whether it be for the memories or how she felt when you didn’t let her go.