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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part two

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 14/11/2022 19:22

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 24/12/2022 18:59

thinking of you purple and I hope your DS comes to see you and you have a good Christmas

Thedoglovesmemore · 24/12/2022 20:32

Thinking of you purple. Hope tomorrow is calm and you are ok.

kateandme · 25/12/2022 02:02

Remember also purple for many different reasons lots of folks Christmas aren't social media reels.i no this is totally about you and so bit should be.but in those dark moments if they happen don't feel alone.no there are a fair few people needing comfort.feelinf loss.
And there a lots thinking of you too.

Badger1970 · 25/12/2022 22:46

Thinking of you today.

Hope you've seen your DS and things have stayed calm Flowers

SplendidUtterly · 25/12/2022 23:36

Thinking of you Purple.
I hope you had a good xmas day.

nomcachange · 26/12/2022 00:15

Thinking of you and hope your son made it over today and things were ok 💐

Thedogscollar · 26/12/2022 11:41

Hi@PurpleLampShades
Been reading this thread from day 1. You have been absolutely amazing. I hope you got to spend yesterday with your DS. You have shown such dignity in the whole situation and so much respect and love for your son. You are giving him space to reflect on what is obviously an unhealthy relationship.
I wish you well going forward.I hope you had a peaceful Christmas day however you spent it. I feel it's only a matter of time until your son realises this relationship is far from normal and calls it a day. 💐

lbnblbnb · 26/12/2022 12:25

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades - really hope yesterday went ok, or if not you have an alternative date set up.

Earwegoagain · 27/12/2022 12:41

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades 💐

TotallyScouting · 27/12/2022 20:27

Another one that has had you in their thoughts over this past few days and hoping that you have managed to have some time with your son 🤞💐

Whitegrenache · 27/12/2022 21:09

Me too xx

kateandme · 28/12/2022 01:09

Me too

balzamico · 28/12/2022 10:04

We've talked about it a bit, I think it's in all our minds but yesterday was two weeks to decision day - not long to wait

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 28/12/2022 13:04

Thank you for all the good wishes and check ins.

They did come over for Xmas day. I had asked DS what some of gf’s favourite drinks/food are so he asked her and then gave me a list. Of course, it was all expensive stuff. I spent £27 on a bottle of champagne only for her to declare (fake) apologetically that it was the wrong one and she couldn’t drink the one I’d bought. She then preceded to gaslight DS into believing he’d got it wrong, rather than the fact she deliberately told him the wrong one, so he spent an hour apologising and waiting on her to make it up to her. Then she couldn’t eat the meat because it was ‘lovely but just a bit too salty for me’. Again, with the fake, sad smile and apology.

She spent the time here monopolising DS and ordering him around. Most uncomfortably, she was all over him, kissing, touching, whispering in his ear, practically in his lap. I had to keep leaving the room to go to the kitchen to avoid it. I even overheard her telling him she wanted to have sex with him in his old bed, though she said it a bit more vulgar than that. I hid in my bedroom for a while with a large gin as I could feel myself getting more and more pissed off with her.

They were here for about 5 hours in total and I barely got a minute alone with DS. I’d like to say it was a lovely time, but it was hideous. I do not want that woman in my house ever again. She is clever and a master manipulator and she has my DS in a tight grip. I don’t know how on earth I’m going to extract him from it.

OP posts:
WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 28/12/2022 13:09

I think I'd make a point of saying something next time he's round "I'm not sure if gf was joking but I was really uncomfortable when she said about having sex in your old bed, I'm so glad you were more respectful"

I imagine he was exceptionally uncomfortable, as were you, and hopefully he won't invite her over again as I doubt it was a nice day for him either.

Well done on walking away and hiding with the gin though, far better than causing the scene she was looking for x

PinkFrogss · 28/12/2022 13:11

I’m so sorry OP Flowers

Keep a note of everything she said, especially the sex in his old bed part.

Next time he is over on his own do you think you could try to have a gentle conversation about both appropriateness and consent as I can’t imagine he was comfortable with her acting like that, but clearly didn’t feel able to tell her to stop.

Did she give any clues about her own family or if they’re seeing them over Christmas?

gettingolderandgrumpier · 28/12/2022 13:18

You handled it brilliantly just going off , better than I would that gin would be in her face! obviously that wouldn’t help . I’m so angry on your behalf she’s so disrespectful , here’s hoping 2023 will be better for you.

lbnblbnb · 28/12/2022 13:36

Oh @PurpleLampShades that is so hard. But you handled it brilliantly. So difficult for you, but you kept the higher moral ground. I suppose it sort of brought her behaviour into the light for DS - to see her behaving like that in his own home, with you being so decent.
Ugh she sounds utterly revolting. DS will see through her.

7eleven · 28/12/2022 14:23

Grrr. There’s a lot of mumsnetters who’d like a word with this awful woman 😤

TotallyScouting · 28/12/2022 14:47

Oh that sounds awful. Well done for staying strong. Hopefully he felt awkward as hell about the way she spoke to him and it may begin to cast her in a different light in his eyes 🤞. The comments about the bed might be worth mentioning to the social worker as they seem quite inappropriate - imagine this all the other way around with an older man saying it to a 16 year old girl; Surely that would not be ignored? hopefully you get to see him on Friday.

Whitegrenache · 28/12/2022 14:52

Good god you are a better woman than me. She sounds unhinged and very very rude

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 28/12/2022 14:52

Yes, she is dreadful. Trying to make pleasant conversation was like pulling teeth. I asked about her family and her answer was she prefers not to talk about them. DS later whispered to me she has a complicated relationship with her parents but I couldn’t get him to elaborate before she came back in and interrupted us.

The horrible thing is he was acting like her behaviour was normal, like he’s used to it. If she’s like that to him in front of people what the hell is she like when they’re alone? He made a point of telling me she was nervous because she knows I don’t like her, like that is a reason to excuse the passive aggressive comments, the domineering behaviour towards him, the gas lighting him, the sexually inappropriate comments/behaviours. I’m sure she was doing it on purpose to make me uncomfortable and show me just how much control she has over him. It worked as I did feel uncomfortable and just very uneasy about it. It definitely hasn’t eased any worries I had. In fact I think it’s made them worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 28/12/2022 14:53

I will also confess I cried my eyes out after they left.

OP posts:
TotallyScouting · 28/12/2022 15:15

PurpleLampShades · 28/12/2022 14:53

I will also confess I cried my eyes out after they left.

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of 💐💐 .She sounds utterly unstable and I know I for one would not have managed even an ounce of the composure you’ve displayed. Were there any positives at all? Did your son seem happy to be there? Had he bought you a gift? It seems like you had a really good, healthy relationship prior to her arrival so hopefully now the novelty of her begins to wear off (it seems like the only thing he is getting out of this really is sex with an older woman rather than an actual relationship/partnership) he might be able to see through her and long for a return to a ‘normal’ family dynamic and your closeness…

MeJane · 28/12/2022 15:24

It's a really good sign that they came and as usual you have handled everything really well.

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