To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

You’re all very kind. It’s with the benefit of hindsight that I’m ruminating over it. It’s hard not to feel like you’ve missed something when your child gets into this sort of horrible situation.

I think he was both concerned and testing the waters a bit when he asked what I’d do if they don’t come for Christmas. Concern for me possibly being alone but also testing whether I’ve already made plans that don’t include him. She will likely twist that into a sign I don’t really care about him and/or that I hate her and/or that I don’t really want them (him) to come. So I deliberately said I’d love to spend some of the day with them (I secretly mean just him of course. I don’t care one jot if she comes or not), but otherwise I’d just spend the day alone with some champagne, Christmas films and a nice bath. He didn’t say much in response to that.

I think as long as ss see him visiting, whatever shape and frequency that may come in, they will say everything is fine. The review is mid January and I fully expect them to close the case and wash their hands of it tbh. If they haven’t thought things concerning enough already they’re not going to any time soon. And all the while he approaches 17 when there’s even less they’ll be able to do so I’ll be told.

I'm sorry to hear that it sounds like the message you're getting is that they can't do much. It sounds like ds is on a cin plan which sounds about right with regards to what threshold it meets- cin children are vulnerable children and in need of support. Has there been no talk of a specialist adolescent team taking over the cin plan? They are much better equipped to work with teens and their criteria tends to be family breakdown, which arguably this is, with some additional risks around DA.

I'm sorry if you feel fobbed off. Lots of inadequate social work around as the system is under such strain. I can support you to challenge their decision making if you want, and fight for a better service

If you are on tiktok look up Jordan Toma. He's a youth motivational speaker and his content is along the lines of 'your mum is on your side, even if it doesn't feel like it'. You can view the videos from Google if you're not on tiktok actually. Worth a look to see if it might hit home with your son.

That's really lovely of you @boomoohoo
I would seriously think about that Purple

No, it’s early intervention, not cin, though there’s very little intervention because he’s refused to go to any of the workshops/support/counselling they’ve offered him, and they can’t force him to go. I do understand where they’re coming from and I’m sure they have many other children younger than DS in physically dangerous environments they need to support, but it doesn’t stop the feeling of being utterly helpless and powerless to do anything. I think the fact he is refusing any intervention also makes things difficult as they want him to help himself but he needs help to recognise the situation he is in needs help in the first place, if you see what I mean. Of course he’s not going to engage when he’s been manipulated into believing he’s in a normal relationship and any problems they experience are his fault. I don’t know what the answer is. I will ask about whether there’s an adolescent team and if they have been involved next time I speak with the sw.

Thank you for the offer @boomoohoo. If I don’t get anywhere I might message you for some guidance if you don’t mind. You have already helped a lot just by giving me the correct terminology to use and asking about different processes so thank you.

In fact, everyone on this thread has been so kind and there’s been some really helpful suggestions. Im very grateful.

Boomoohoo is right about them communicating the plan for contact with the gf. I was really surprised to read she clearly wasn't aware the weekly visits were part of the plan. This does need raising and some feedback from college around what they're doing to educate on controlling relationships. Should be a community effort and not all on your shoulders. You are definitely doing your part Purple, keep going x

She was made aware that they wanted him to maintain contact. She just doesn’t like it. I don’t know how firm they were with it though, as in whether they told or suggested it was to happen. She’s being clever because she’s not outrightly preventing him from visiting. She’s just making it extremely difficult for him to make the decision to visit or not.

I don’t think the college are doing much beyond offering him 1:1’s with the college counsellor (which he has also refused) and regular check ins with his tutor and the safeguarding lead. I will ask though if they plan on doing any education campaigns about controlling relationships. That will have to wait until the new year now.

I wonder if that is an option to take forward with urgency to the college.if they could do a class on this,a awareness campaign etc.he cpuld see it in black and white and it need nothing to do with you.do u feel able to maybe go to them with this.
The fact he came to you is brilliant.
Keep telling him this.dont be afraid to be 'so lame mum ' overjoyed when he comes.

Christmas plans could you ask if he could come one of the festive days.she surely can't make excuses for all of them.

Also don't be afraid she will get annoyed with him.as hard as that is he needs to see that side of her.

Maybe message mid week asking for firm plans as you need to no whether to shop for all or just get only enough for one.

Well, it seems they are going to come for dinner on Christmas Day, but only if I promise to be nice to gf because (this will make you laugh) she’s scared of me. I am quite sure this is all a complete fabrication in her head to continue the narrative that I’m the one treating him, her and their relationship badly and she is nothing but a helpless victim that DS needs to protect from his wicked mother. It is going to be extremely hard work but I will try my absolute best to kill her with kindness and niceties, because I want to see DS and I want to observe them together again. I’ll even ask him what her favourite food and drinks are and get them in for her.

Also don't be afraid she will get annoyed with him.as hard as that is he needs to see that side of her.

I know you’re right on this. He does need to see and recognise that side. It’s just hard to know this is happening.

That's really good news He's obviously told her that it's important to him.

And let's face it, her family or friends aren't exactly going to roll out the red carpet for her and her 16 year old BF.......

You can do it. Kill her with kindness and fakery. And don't let her goad you so she can play the victim.... I'd keep away from any alcohol while she's there

That's great he's coming for Christmas. A young relative was in a similar relationship to your son, it took more than a year for it to fizzle out and it was a nightmare for all concerned. They're on the other side of it now but the teen never returned home and chose to live independently, it was the making of them. Hopefully your son will get to that stage too. I can imagine it's going to be hard for her to keep up the pretence of goodness for a day, being nice is exhausting when you aren't naturally. Killing her with kindness is the right approach to take as when she slips up it will be harder for her to blame anyone but herself.

It is good that she is scared of you. It shows that your son does see your POV. Also that she hasn't yet got full contro oof him.
If you will be nice and sensible (by his standards) gf's complaints will be more an more out of context for a sensible person. There's small.probability that they will be partners for life and you must prepare for that.
Being a good hostess will only help you for the future. Win for you in that respect. See it as a long game. She hasn't got that ability, experience, or capacity for reflection.

That sounds like a top plan Purple 👌 so pleased they are coming. I imagine your ds has had his work cut out to get her to agree. A win from your hard work in keeping your connection going. The more kindness you can kill her with, and the more reasonable and loving you are with him, the harder it will be for her to justify keeping him isolated from you. Really well done x

That's great news OP.

I really hate to be the one to say it but do please mentally prepare yourself for a last minute dropout due to some dubious illness or similar nonsense. I really hope I'm wrong.

I immediately also thought that they probably won't show up so please have a back up plan.

She will be ill/anxious about you being mean to her. He won't be able to force her to come.

Yes, that has crossed my mind that there will be some last minute issue that prevents them from coming. I’m not getting my hopes up.

If she says she is ill you could offer to be helpful and take Christmas dinner round to their house for them.

I wonder about her parents? And what they think of the situation. I wonder if she tells the truth about his age.

Time to get your best acting skills on then.
Maybe text now and say anything she likes dislikes.any traditions she wants to include to make her more comfortable. What would her perfect day look like...anything at all you can to make her feel at home. Make it so there is no room for doubt that it will be on her if it all goes tits up or she reigns she is scared or can't.
Be sickening with niceness.
She will try her best.passibe aggressive.and most likely dogs your son won't notice but you VERY much will.do not rise to it.
And remember if she says something bounce it back so your son can hear.

Good luck @PurpleLampShades , if she does end up coming I hope you don't feel like you're walking on eggshells so as not to upset her.

In my experience, it might take a little while afterwards but there will be some (fabricated) slight that you did to offend/upset her and therefore she will hate you and refuse to see you again.

I really hope you can have an enjoyable Xmas with your son x

Was thinking of you this morning @PurpleLampShades as it’s Friday but assume no DS today if he’s planning to come on Sunday?

I can only imagine how hard all this is for you. Watching our children in a manipulative unhealthy relationship would be devastating at any age but then he’s so young and has zero concept of what an adult relationship should be like it does feel impossible to ground him back and make him realise just how wrong all this is. Harder still when he’s alienated from his pals who might be modelling more typical teenage romances.

are there any other adults in his life who can start to try and catch up with him and listen and perhaps be able to make small
observations? It really feels like you can’t say a word as he’s so acutely aware of any criticism from you and will be defensive. Is a cousin or uncle who could hang out with him that might be easier?. Anyone who might offer him a trip to the footie or some other event? Could you buy him a ticket for him to take a pal to something like that just to connect him again with more typical teenage activities?

anyway really hope you are ok? The worry and frustration must be overwhelming at times but you are doing so well, staying present for him but not pushing too hard so he retreats. Being constant and calm and loving him always so he knows you are a safe place if/when he needs it.

Wishing you all the best for Christmas Purple. I really hope they come (well, at least your DS!) and it all goes smoothly. I hope too they let you know soon if they're pulling out, so you at least know where you stand.

Thinking if you purple, really hope you manage to find a little peace this christmas ❤