To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Brilliant brilliant op.krep going.
Maybe for Every one you included a more see how it goes next visit will be better.dont plan,think,do anything.just be.that is,as it were how it used to be.hes your son.let that flow.
Of course be mindful.possibly still try to get those meaningful as in.but just chill the f out with each other.let yourself more than anything relax!
What about when he breaks up you could drop him a text. Something like your aware schools out and so if him and the lads want to do stuff and need a lift anywhere then just say.or what do you usually do.for my mum she always gets them a big crate it so her line could be the usual crate of beers awaits if you want it!

Have you thought about Christmas. I really really don't want to say it but also don't want you to be ALONE.so have you made arrangements for yourself.please do so.male sure you've got somewhere to go.
Can you afford to get some treats in for yourself.your own stocking.make sure it's special for you right now.amy spa treatments you've been fancying.its time to keep yourself cared for op.----

@savoycabbage 's bomb disposal analogy was brilliant and sums it up so well. You are doing so well and remaining calm and holding back the vast majority of what I'm sure you'd like to say will be key to keeping your relationship with him.
Do you drive or have a dog? My most open conversations with teens come when we're driving or walking as we're side by side, and doing something else. Could you take a winters walk or drive out to somewhere you used to go next time he visits?

how’s it going purple? did DS manage to visit yesterday? Really hope it went well and you are feeling ok about them coming over for Xmas (assume that’s still the plan).

Thinking of you Purple, hope yesterday went well.

Thanks for the check in. He phoned me in a panic yesterday afternoon with some story that gf had planned a surprise dinner that she couldn’t cancel so he couldn’t come because she’d be really upset. Apparently, she’s been planning it for ages. Not sure why she couldn’t have given more than a few hours notice (If it’s even true). He asked if he could come over tonight instead, though I’m half expecting another phone call if I’m honest. I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind but held my tongue because he sounded quite upset. I’ve bought some mulled wine and got the Christmas decorations out so we can decorate the tree together with a glass.

I spoke to the sw on Thursday who said she’d speak to him but reiterated that they can’t make him do anything so if he decides not to visit that’s kind of it. I kind of wish they could make him because then he’d have another excuse for gf other than he just wants to see his mum. You know, like ‘I have to go because ss are making me and if I don’t x could/will happen’.

They haven’t decided if they’re coming for Christmas yet. I’m going to ask him again tonight (if he actually turns up). I’m really not feeling very Christmassy to be honest. The only reason I’m even bothering to put the tree up is so I can use it as an opportunity to chat to him. I’ll suggest having friends over next week if he’d like to spend time with them.

Bless him, some complicated situations he's navigating right now. Obviously surprise dinner was to stop him coming to yours. I really hope he managed to make it to yours tonight ❤️

I don't think there's much chance he will be able to come for christmas unfortunately, but maybe see if he would like to come for a day around christmas? Boxing day?

It has really shocked me how little can be done, even at such a young age. I really feel for you ❤️

Oh she’s upped the stakes. Grrr I’m so cross. Surprise dinner planned for ages, my arse!

She's done this deliberately however your sons upset and worry could be a positive, he knew he was to see you and it sounds like he wanted to, but he also sounds so scared of upsetting this woman too.Maybe he will slowly start seeing through her manipulation soon.

I hope today is better.

Hi purple, sorry to hear about yesterday, fingers x for today. Is your ds the kind to follow rules / do as he's told by authority figures? I only ask as I wonder if there'd be benefit in the sw telling him (and gf) it's an expectation he comes every week and that it is prioritised. I have often been 'the bad guy' and enforced the difficult rule for a family if that's what's best for the child. This can only really work if there's a clear bottom line though, ie consequence if it doesn't happen.. Something to think about with the sw maybe. It would be useful if sw could speak to the gf and convey the 'don't try that sh*t again' message to her.

It sounds like gf is making it really difficult on your son and laying on the guilt, manipulation and blackmail. Your poor ds.

Re Xmas- are there any friends/family you can meet up with? It would be lovely if he came over but I think it'd be good for you to make an alternative plan that involves you not being alone, if that's possible. If not, maybe consider volunteering at a homeless kitchen or something.. not in any way because I think you should do charity work, and by all means stay alone if that's what you feel you need. But just as a way to have company and be distracted.

Although this is horribly frustrating, I'd say she's absolutely terrified of losing her grip on him, and she must be hugely threatened by him coming home to you for even a few hours.

Hang in there OP
She is clearly tightening the screw on him as she fears he won’t stay with her otherwise which is hardly the sign of a healthy thriving relationship.

Really hope he’s with you now.

I hope he came over tonight, don’t let him cop out completely xx

Difficult difficult.half of me wants to say be the parent,tell him these weekly visits are expected.and the other hears your fear of not wanting to push him.
In the week could you drop him a line.on a time he's either at collage or away from her,usually free.say "since we missed this week's visit I thought we could try such and such a place for lunch,hear its fab.i can pick you up at 12".dont give her time to arrange anything or manipulate?
Regarding chri stmas you need for your own good to ask.and I no your not in the mood but I still think you need to to see it in with someone.do you have any friends or family?even book yourself into a nice hotel for a night to be pampered.
Don't let her ruin everythi g leaving you associating all your days with misery.get in the spirit! Show her who's boss.danve around the kitchen making mince pies.she does not win you too op.dont let her abuse you too.
He does need to take his eyes back a bit.your his mum.he shouldn't be so unaware of the hurt he's causing.i no this isn't the way with abuse.they are under that spell.but argh it's just do fusttati g for you.

How’s things purple?
you know re Xmas day- even if they agree to come the likelihood is that you will on edge waiting for them to pull out and they may well let you done at the last minute.
Much as I know you will be desperate to see him I wonder if making other plans is the right idea- even going away to see family or a friend.
Perhaps the reality for him that being with the GF is cutting him off from his other life wouldn’t be a bad idea although a tough one I’m sure.

That said, it might also work that if she puts pressure on not to turn up he will have to face that his GF is willing to let you be alone on Xmas day which he would likely find upsetting.

Well, he did visit last night. He stayed for about an hour and a half, and I didn’t find out until he was leaving that gf didn’t know about it. She was out for the evening so he decided he would visit without telling her. He got the bus part of the way here and was going to walk back in the freezing cold. When I saw her car wasn’t here I asked him direct whether she knew he was here and he admitted that he didn’t tell her. I couldn’t drive him because we’d had the mulled wine and I assumed she’d be picking him up, so I gave him some money for a taxi. I also asked why he felt he needed to hide it from her and what would happen if she finds out. Then he backtracked and said he didn’t hide it from her, he told her he might come over but hadn’t been definite. He completely ignored the second question.

She was still texting him the entire time so even when she thinks he’s home alone she still constantly badgers him. We did manage to have a chat while decorating the tree. I asked him how the first term of college had been, what his plans were for the Christmas holidays, any parties with his mates etc. He wasn’t very talkative really. Couldn’t get much out of him. College is fine. Lots of work. There’s a few parties he might go to. Gf has planned some stuff. I said the offer of Christmas here is still open and he asked what I would do if they couldn’t come so I suppose that was probably a hint, but I’ve asked him to let me know either way by Wednesday. If I end up being alone I’ll make sure to try some self care and make the best of it.

It was lovely to see him but I just wish I could see him for more than a couple of hours at a time, and without his bloody phone constantly going off. I’m a bit worried about her finding out he was here. She’ll give him such a hard time about it I’m sure.

Regarding following rules/obeying authority, he is generally a rule follower, yes. Minor exceptions (usual teen stuff) here and there but has never been in trouble for anything at school etc. The trouble is I don’t think there’s an actual consequence they can enforce is there? They’ve said as much already. They can say ‘you must go and visit your mother’ but what can they do if he doesn’t? I don’t know. It’s really not a nice feeling having to watch DS get sucked further and further in to something this unhealthy and be powerless to do anything. He’s not even 16 and a half yet. He doesn’t know / can’t recognise it. He doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to see or deal with it. I feel a bit of a failure that I haven’t taught him what he needs to know so he can see through the facade and realise that what he’s in is not a normal healthy relationship. I can tell him until I’m blue in the face but it makes no difference.

OP, you have in no way failed. She has groomed/manipulated him. The fact he made his way to you is excellent though. He clearly wanted to spend time with you.

You are doing amazingly well.

You have not failed, Purple.

You haven't failed him purple it's not the conversation you expect to have to have at such a young age

Keep being his safe place

I really do feel for you @PurpleLampShades.
I think the fact he came without telling her shows a chink of him separating his views from her, making his own choices.
Christmas - is it perhaps worth saying that if he can't come on Christmas Day, he could come on Boxing Day? Harder for her to find an excuse for two possibilities.
You are doing brilliantly. Don't blame yourself - all his great qualities are still there.

you have not failed at all, actually you are negotiating a very very difficult situation which is not 'normal' in the scheme of teenage growing up stuff. He is still a good kid, he is going to college and I pray that he sees sense soon... just keep reminding him your door is always open no matter the time or situation.

I wish someone would do something about this bloody woman!

It says so much that he wanted to see you even if it meant going behind her back. It must be driving her mad that she can't completely isolate him from you. You haven't failed him, like someone else said you're his safe place.

You havent failed OP. Woman has failed in that she hasn't got DS away form you completely like she wanted.
Keep doing what you are doing and try to stay positive if you can. God knows this must be so hard. Sending 🤗

Not a failure Purple, please don't beat yourself up 💜 this is far from normal and could have gone a lot worse a long time ago, had you not been so diligent, patient and strong.

Agree it's positive he came under his own steam and potentially behind her back. This does indicate he knows on some level your relationship is healthy and to be trusted - that's a sign of great parenting. The dots will join up eventually that she is a threat to that, not you to them. The invite to both for Christmas will only emphasise this in his head. The push and pull will likely keep going forwards and back again, until it becomes obvious to him, and he realises she is the threat to his happiness in the situation, not you. The more this happens, and you or others can gently show him that struggle is there (through reflecting it back at him) the sooner he will realise there's a need to do something about it.

Just keep being there as you are, consistent, reasonable and with his interests at the forefront of everything.

I'm glad he asked what you will do if they don't come, I hope this means he is not so caught up in his own relationship that he is oblivious to your feelings. I wonder how he seemed when he asked this? How did you respond?

I only ask because the topic of Xmas may be a good opportunity to expose the struggle he must be feeling. I'm sure he wouldn't have asked if he didn't feel bad for you on some level. Look for chances to show him that you see this and show lots of empathy with his position. Don't necessarily offer solutions straight away, but give him the message that you see the struggle and just want to see him happy. Let him sit on this for a while, it will be like an antidote for him and help him see he's not getting the same level of understanding or freedom in his relationship. You might not get the responses you want straight away, but it will all go in . It will be remembered.

There's nothing you could've done to warn him or stop this happening purple, coercive control and grooming is such an insidious, subtle and vague set of behaviours, building gradually over the grooming process.

I agree it's really positive he snuck out to come over and demonstrates he wants to keep a relationship with you. That's really really positive. Keep doing what you're doing. Sometime in the near future he will realise where he feels safe, comfortable and accepted for all of who he is.

Yeah you're right about the lack of consequences.. with some children a firm word is enough though, what could be said is - if you don't continue to spend time with mum once a week on your own we wil have to think about whether we need to do another assessment, as we closed on basis of this recommendation. What I would expect is sw to be making this clear to the 'gf' though, as she's the one that's the problem.