To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. My sister was in a relationship like this when she was your DH's age with a man in his late 20s. It didn't last quite as long but she did end up coming back home and all was pretty much ok in the end although with some psychological aftereffects. She now sees it for what it was and feels she was in a relationship with a pedophile which in and of itself is traumatic to realise. Please don't give up hope, I think you're being incredibly strong and doing all the right things.

I’ve dropped off a short note at the college with the DSL to give to him. I went for something similar to your suggestions so thank you. I also put a cheap pay as you go phone in with it and said I wasn’t sure if he had a working phone but if not perhaps this one could tide him over. The DSL said he would try and catch him today but if not then definitely tomorrow.

That’s great op, now he knows that you didn’t have his number, you are still thinking about him and want contact with him. I hope the week off of work helped clear your head a bit. 💐

Well done purple and whilst I know you will probably be a bit on the hop now waiting to see if he messages you- I wonder if it will take him a while to work out his feelings around this possible new info that you didn’t have his number and if he feels brave enough to contact you/how the gf might react/if he chooses to keep the phone at college etc.

Basically I’m saying that no contact doesn’t mean no impact. It just might take him a good while given everything he needs to work out in his head first.

This is a great step.

Delurking just to say I am so pleased to hear you have taken steps to re establish contact and I am crossing my fingers that it works for you. Your story has resonated as my relationship with my teen daughter has been fraught at times.

Oh goodness, yes, you’re absolutely right. I really needed that reminder that this will be very tough for him to get his head around. I’ll force myself to be patient. Thank you.

Well done @PurpleLampShades, I'm sure it wasn't easy but it was the best thing to do.
Agree that DS may take time to come around to being able to use the phone to call you, especially if he thinks he is going behind the GF's back. Take care 💐

@PurpleLampShades you are doing amazingly well. I'm in awe of your restraint around this. Hopefully this will build a bridge.

Fantastic - and well done to leaving a phone for him too! Yet again you're doing as much as is humanly possible.

Have you anything nice you can distract yourself with while you wait? Sounds like you deserve to treat yourself to something special

Great idea to give a phone with the note. Really hope he gets in contact with you and is able to maintain it.

Well done, fingers crossed for you ❤

Well done for continuing to be so calm 💐

The only way he can possibly read this is that you love and care and are there for him, even if he is being fed other misinformation to the contrary. So it may take him a while to process, but I can’t see how long term this could be anything other than a step in the right direction. Stay strong @PurpleLampShades , you are doing admirably 💐

Well done . This will also.send the message that you are aware of the risks and or his limitations due to the controlling girlfriend , without saying that out loud. Even if that doesn't resonate with him immediately, it will be something that he eventually realises and will love and respect you for being so mindful about the current situation he is in.

Such lovely and insightful messages and support you've got here Purple, but don't feel bad if you need time away from the thread from time to time, or pressured to keep us all updated. Look after you. We'll all be here when you need us 💜

Sending you a virtual hug OP. I'm name changing a lot lately but always check and hope you are okay and your ds is. Your note sounds a fab idea. Hopefully he can maybe keep the phone safe at college somewhere? I think that was a really good idea.

And yes I agree he will be torn about whether to contact, what to make of you not having his number etc. But he knows you love him. ❤️ The rest will come with time.

I'll force myself to be patient.
Oh my goodness purple you have been patience personified.
The note and phone will send the message to your son that you are still out there waiting for him. I have no doubt he knows the depths of your love. A mother's love is like no other. Your time will come.

Excellent approach to the phone issue, OP. Your restraint is awesome.

I'm sure your DS will realise he's being manipulated soon enough.

Just checking in to say hi @PurpleLampShades and that I hope you are doing ok.

Me too Purple hope you are doing OK. You are still in my thoughts. 💐

Sending virtual hugs, and hope the above idea re. phone works!

Just caught up with this whole saga @Purple, wow I've no idea how you are coping with all of this. Easy to say but just keep the channels of interaction open. Hope he sees the light, and you at least find some peace.

How are you doing OP?

Been thinking of you too @PurpleLampShades hope you're okay. Weird times currently with the Schofield story dominating the news. Such (rightful) uproar about abuse of power, yet there's apparently nothing anyone can do to bring this gf's behaviour into the spotlight, whose interest was clearly prior to your DS turning16. It must all feel very unjust. With any luck though, it might be useful to spark some questions in your DS's mind.

I have just come across your thread OP and honestly it's heartbreaking. I can't get my head around it at all and why no-one can do anything for you. He's a child! I have no advice but sending you a virtual hug and handhold x