To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

I'm hoping you are ok and agree with other posters to keep on with therapy. Hopefully he will realise and come back to you soon

I know the temptation is to pile on the gf and I totally get that but In fairness it does sound like he has been under incredible pressure from both sides for a long time now. For months now he's been pulled out of classes and questioned every five minutes, made to do this course and that course, go to contact centres, talk to counsellors and had his every move scrutinized. He must feel fought over to a degree and may just need a break from all of the pressure including the stress of having police and social services breathing down his neck 24/7. I had a feeling the report of the hand on throat thing may deter him from attending because he may misguidedly think that they were being set up. I know the situation is a difficult one but truthfully I still don't see this relationship lasting and when it does end he's going to need home to be a place he doesn't feel unable to return to. As hard as this is going to be sometimes the best thing to do when you just can't reach someone is 'nothing', and stepping back a little now may be what turns this whole situation around eventually. Yes he's under pressure from the gf, but he's also under a lot of pressure elsewhere too.

I've been thinking of you @PurpleLampShades , and this is so unbelievably sad.

You've acted with incredible restraint, I'm quite in awe, and I really feel for you.

I'm so sorry that it has come to this.

Have been following your thread, hoping for a good outcome and am so sorry that your hopes have been dashed and you have been put through all this heartache.

I’m so sorry OP thinking of you and your DS often 💐

This is honestly horrific.he has very clearly been groomed and is in a controlling, coercive relationship and has been isolated and I can't help thinking if it was a girl with a man it would of been different responses from sw/the police etc.

I'm so sorry you are going through this it must be absolutely soul destroying. I doubt he even sees your messages to the old phone she has likely got rid of it. I think if I were you now I'd write him a letter just saying that whatever happens you will always be there for him and it will always be your home if he ever wants to come back he will be welcomed with open arms any time of day or night, that you love him and are very worried about him and miss him and hope that one day you can have more contact with him because in healthy relationships you don't need to cut contact with family and friends and id go give it to him at break at college or ask a friend to pass it on at break. Then take a step back for your own mental health.

*always be his home not your home

I was on your first thread op

I'm so sorry this is how it's unfolded .
He will realise one day . He's young . He's not able to admit mum is right at the minute

Keep communicating and sit tight .

The wi dow of opportunity for police and social services has probably closed because he wont talk

He might one day . My advice now if all options have been exhausted is let the heat die down .
When he is sat with no o E to turn to but her - and she is the source of his pain, he might reach out again .

Just wanted to let you know Ive been thinking of you

He will come back to you in the future. Seems he has to go through this. I feel so bad for you. How do you occupy yourself in your free time?

Thank you for your posts everyone. I’m doing a little better than I was now. I went back to the GP and I’m currently taking a week off work to try and do nice things and recharge. I’m also continuing with the counselling, which is helping as I can just get stuff off my chest to someone who can help work things through in my head. I’m still obviously very upset, worried, anxious, but trying my best to keep going. I know he’ll need me eventually and I want to be able to be strong for that.

I’m having a little set back today though as I’ve just spoken to the mum of one of DS’s friends. Apparently, DS told the friend that I have his mobile number because gf texted it to me, and I just haven’t bothered to contact him so it’s obvious I want nothing more to do with him. I do not have his number and she has never sent to it to me, so wither DS is lying to his friend or gf is lying to DS. Obviously, I think gf has lied to him about giving me his number and fed him the idea that the fact I haven’t contacted him is because I’m abandoning him and don’t really love him. Another way to isolate him further. It explains why I have had no contact at all from him since the beginning of April. If he thinks I don’t love him or want to see him anymore then obviously he’s not going to want to speak to or see me is he?

I really don’t know what to do about it to be honest. I have ummed and ahhed about going to the college to try and see him face to face but I don’t want to ruin that safe space for him. He is still going as far as I know but it is fragile and I don’t want to risk it. I really think the letter idea is my last option now, so I’ve been trying to draft one out but I’m struggling with what to say. I want it to convey how much I love and miss him without sounding overly emotional as I don’t want him to get upset or stressed out by it. I also want to say I don’t have his number, but really would like it, without it sounding like I’ve been finding things out behind his back or accusing gf of lying.

He is now on an early intervention plan, which really just consists of trying to convince him to attend counselling (which he has not been doing) and keeping communication open (which is not working). It is not ideal and not really of any use but they couldn’t keep him on a cin plan without his consent so this was their best and only option. I know they’re doing their best with the limited options available to them. It’s just very frustrating. I don’t expect it to last to be honest. I think next review and that will be it.

Thank you for the reminder about the child benefit. I will try to sort that out this week while I’m off work. I’m going to go for a nice walk now to think about what to do and try to clear my head a bit. Thank you for sticking with the thread even though I have been quite absent. It does help to read your posts and get outside perspectives.

Hi op, I'm so sorry to hear things haven't improved but your getting help. Is it worth setting up an email address to him then screen shorting all your text messages and sending them to there. You could ask for the email and password to be passed on when your ready but also use it as a time line, when my son was born I set one up for him and every now and then I'll write an email about what is happening in life. X

Can you ask the friend to pass on your number to him, or ask him to ask DS if he can give you the number?

I'd inform SS about the phone issue. Someone has clearly lied to him.

But maybe get a message through the friend.

Glad you are hanging on in there op.

I would ask SS to ask for his mobile number and their permission to pass it onto you.

Oh purple I'm sorry this is all still dragging on, it makes me furious.

Maybe the letter could be a 'daft old mum messed up her phone, I wasn't getting any messages for ages, thought it was quiet and only realised when the bank wrote me a letter because I hadn't responded, silly mum! So sorry if I've missed messages from you too. I've really missed hearing from you and thought you must just be busy. I had to buy a spare for while it was being mended, I've left it with the office in case you'd find it useful to keep in your locker there for if your one goes flat or breaks? Mine is mended now so I don't need it! My number is programmed into it for you so we can't lose numbers again'

I'd just say you miss him and it would be lovely to see him soon if he fancies getting an ice cream or something between classes at college? (Can you make up a believable excuse to be passing there regularly in what you know is a free period? Oh what do you know, I've got to go to the bank for work every Tuesday afternoon! Want a sneaky ice cream from the van with me?)

No accusations of anything just a broken phone and a silly mum who can't do technology palming your clutter off and coincidentally giving him a second phone...

I think that if you had his number, the GF would just change it for him.

He knows how to get in touch with you. And he will, when he's ready.

Sit back, take a breath and focus on you for now. Easier said than done, I know.

I would keep the letter short

Hi X

I hope you are alright. This is my number xxxxx I don't have a number for you at the moment but please text or call me if you want. I miss you very much.
Love mum x

You don't have to explain the conversation with his friends mum. Just make it clear you don't have his number and hopefully he will put 2 and 2 together about his gf. Glad that you are in counselling and getting support. Definitely mention the phone number thing to the social worker too.
Keep going x

I agree with this.

Would he know your number off by heart?

She’s a piece of work.

Think that's a great letter suggestion - wonder if asking for it to be passed on through college might seem less intrusive than going through the social team? It doesn't get the friend too involved or risk info coming via that route stopping. But yes, tell the social team that's what you've done and why. It does sound manipulative of the gf.

So glad you have some time off to recharge. You're amazingly strong not to have needed this before now.

I also agree with this.
Truthful, not emotionally charged but loving. Not apportioning blame but factual. It will hopefully at the very least make him realise that you're there for him, and the very most, make him hopefully question the gf.

As the pp said. She really is a piece of work. I think of you often Purple.

I agree. It's with staying truthful and reliable. Over complicating things and lying causes unnecessary trouble.

I would build on the note by saying something personal to you. Like..."when I see x, I always think of you and hope you are enjoying y". Something that would make him smile and point to your bond. Or just something a bit more heartfelt. "I miss you very much and am thinking of you, hoping you are happy and doing well. I would love to hear your voice"

I agree a short breezy note via the college might work.

Hi X,
Not heard from you since April so I thought I'd drop you my number in case you'd lost your phone/contacts - I don't expect you to remember it off by heart, lol. 07123 123456
As always, here if you need me and you are welcome to stop by anytime. Be good to catch up and hear your news.
Mum.x.

^^ Another one agreeing with this.

I'm sorry you are still going through this Purple 😢

Im sorry you are still going through this, but glad you are getting support and counselling.

I agree with a short letter with your number and factual as above posters have said.

That woman is beyond manipulative!