To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

I'm also thinking of you still. I hope things have improved.

Same here OP. Hope you are doing okay.

Hope everything's ok, @PurpleLampShades .

Hello. Thank you for the messages of support. I’m sorry I haven’t been responding. There is no real update except to say I haven’t heard from or seen him since before my last post. There has been excuse after excuse for avoiding the contact centre meetings. They phone the contact centre rather than me to cancel and they call me. The sw team have kept him on the cin plan but he has not been engaging with any of it and their hands are tied. I know they’re going to close the case next week so they can use their resources to focus on children they know they can help, whereas mine is too complicated and avoidant for them to have any positive impact. There doesn’t seem to be any development or changes either way, good or bad. He is existing there with her and I am here. For my own sanity I’m trying to take a step back and avoid driving myself insane with worry. I still send a text to his old phone every week. I never get a reply but I hope maybe he sees it.

Oh op I am so sorry. Is he still attending college?
I would try and send him a message somehow, a note handed into college, handed into the contact centre/social services. Anything. Just to say "I want you to know that I love you and miss you and you can always come home."

You can also request a safe and well check from the police in the future if too much time passes and you haven't heard anything, and believe he is being abused.

He owes you a huge apology one day.

You've done your best. You really have. He's at that age where he thinks he knows everything, but he also knows that no one can make him do anything any more. You just have to let it play out. He knows you love him, and he knows you'll be there for him when he needs you. In the meantime, focus on yourself for a bit. The stress of all this will make you ill.

I also agree to focus on yourself and get real life support wherever you can. Take care Purple x

I’m so sorry it’s still so hard, Purple. I wonder if you could leave a simple note for him at college? No questions or pressure, just that you’re thinking of him and always there if he needs you?

I know I need to go back to the GP. I am very tearful a lot of the time. The other day I just started randomly crying at work. I’m not sleeping well. I just lie awake worrying about him and replaying everything in my head. Like perhaps if I had said or did things differently at the beginning he wouldn’t have walked out and maybe it wouldn’t have got to this. I will call the GP this week and make another appointment with the counsellor I was seeing.

I think it’s totally understandable why you feel this way, but I very much doubt there’s anything you could have done because you’re not the cause. The ‘girlfriend’ is.

I'm sorry that you are still dealing with this situation OP. I agree with PPs, you need to make sure you are looking after yourself.

You've pushed so hard to get help, can't imagine how frustrating it must be to have social services be unable to help yet still have the case open for now.

It's genuinely horrifying to think that nothing can be done, but I think it's really sensible to take a step back from this. There's a limit to what you can deal with and it's not surprising that you've reached it.

Look after yourself

OP, Your story is one of the saddest and most moving I’ve ever read. You have handled it with such restraint and done all the right things. It is outrageous that more can not be done to intervene. Years ago I knew of a rather similar situation (the age difference and power dynamic was the same, although the boy was slightly older than your son). The relationship ended abruptly when the boy suddenly seemed to have a lightbulb moment and cut all contact with his former partner. Hopefully your son will have that same moment of realisation. Please look after yourself.

Sending kindest thoughts to you

Just so sad to read this @PurpleLampShades. Perhaps you do need to step back and let him go for a while and get as much support for yourself as you can. He knows damn sure you'll be there for him when he needs you, I do hope you find some comfort in that, it's so important. It's inconceivable they've not been able to act on the gf's behaviour when he was pre-16. I really hope in time you'll be able to explore all of this with him in therapy together. I guess he's just not ready to face the realities yet.

Sending you the biggest hugs and best wishes 💜

And I agree with this wholeheartedly. Please don't blame yourself if any way, you've done everything humanly possible

It sounds awful and I do hope he will see the light soon. There's nothing you could have done to change the situation, though. She sounds incredibly controlling.

I am so sorry to hear your update. Surely the concerns for your son and the hold this woman has should be growing rather than lessening, they should be doing more, not less.

This seems like one of those situations that you expect the organisations that keep us safe to be stepping up, not stepping out.

I hope he sees the light soon, in the meantime, you need to put yourself first and look after your own wellbeing.

I am so sad to read your update @PurpleLampShades - please try to get SW to keep his file open, he is still a vulnerable child and they are supposed to protect him from predators like her!

Sending you strength, hugs and I wish you were near me and I would give you the biggest hug ever. X. Take care of yourself because one day he will need you - hopefully soon X

This is awful OP, what a terrible situation.

I think for your own mental health you need to take a step back. He’s very young, boys that age are usually very immature. He will do a lot of growing up in the next year or two and hopefully come to his senses and see what she has done 🙏

What a heartbreaking situation. Apologies if this has been asked before but do you think there might also be financial motives for her behaviour? I saw his dad has passed away and I wondered if she might be manipulating a situation around any legacy he might have access to at 18?

Oh purple your last post really got to me. I can't imagine what you are going through and doing this all on your own. I wish you well. Good idea to seek more counselling and I hope this gives you the strength to go on. One day soon I hope he will realise what you have been through. He is still so young there is still hope. X

Purple I’ve kept reading your reply and just not known how to respond because the hopelessness you feel is just so sad and completely understandable.

Its such a devastating impossible situation.

I am so upset for you that having made some inroads in contact that seemed to be going well, your DS has just completely withdrawn again. I guess we can only assume that he was was finding it hard because of pressure from the GF and it’s easier for him to just cease if no one is forcing him to comply.

If I can offer my opinion then I would second the other replies about you continuing with therapy and also spending as much time as possible with good friends- even new friends if you start a hobby or new interest group maybe.

But also I think I would have to try and have someone in contact with DS whether that’s a relative, another parent- anyone really. The isolation he is now in is scary and I can see it is too challenging for him to keep contact with you due to the control he is under but he does need someone. Anyone neutral as a way out if he needs it.

Im so shocked he now has no phone number you are aware of. I assume you know his address at least in case of an emergency?

What did you do about the money in the end? I know you were unsure about his child benefit and his allowance from his inheritance. Just make sure you don’t get in trouble if you are accidentally still claiming. Thats the last thing you need.

I think of you so much. I really hope something turns this around and you and DS can start to rebuild things again.