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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part two

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 14/11/2022 19:22

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 05/04/2023 20:42

@HamBone legally he can work part time and study part time. It's not necessarily enforced though. My 17yo nephew isn't in any education since he got kicked out of college in December. Nobody has questioned what he's doing (x box all day🙄).

middleeasternpromise · 05/04/2023 20:45

I would agree that from what you have said Purple, no one, who has been involved, has responded by thinking this is a healthy or normative relationship. From the contact supervisors to the college and everyone else, there is a real sense of people wanting to find a way to support you and your son and probably feeling very frustrated that he and the adult female are protecting themselves from intervention.

I can completely understand the exhausting experience this is for you as you wait patiently for each turn of events to unfold, desperately hoping there can be some way to retrieve your relationship with your son. It is heartbreaking work.

Like you I am drawn to wondering about this woman and her previous experiences and patterns of relating to others. Do you know if her information has been through the MASH process during any of the investigations? I suspect she doesn't have any previous police involvement but of course that may not be because there aren't concerns, but because previous partner's have not reported their experiences. The information you do have about distant relationships with her own family would suggest this isn't someone who reflects easily on their own contribution to problematic situations.

I can also understand your introspection on what else you could have done to protect your son and prevent his vulnerability to this dynamic. I think that will be something to revisit when you get to a different place with him.

My guess would be the interventions so far have had an impact - your son's distress at times highlights how his perception of a healthy relationship is distorted. For her part, it would suggest she has felt threatened enough not to feel as sure of her footings as she was in behaving how she wished and has moderated her behaviour in light of events. Your son's description of things improving indicate change and a time when he can see things were not as they should be. As you say there is not much evidence of a shift in understanding and for that reason any change will likely be short lived. I know as his mother you will remain vigilant where you can, I hope you can continue to recruit a network of helpers who have eyes on him. I would try to see it as having both a long game and short game plan in play - holding in mind that any new opportunity with him could bring about a positive change, but also that he may struggle to see a different story about his relationship with this woman and that means he will need time. If you think of yourself as needing a lot of support for the journey then you can build in a range of whatever you find helpful, what gives you hope, energy and holds you in moments of tiredness and distress. I hope this forum can continue to give you a safe place where if nothing else, you can vent and express yourself. Wishing you strength Purple and keeping you in mind.

Howdoyoulikeyourtea · 05/04/2023 21:14

Purple the only thing I can add to all the supportive posts is a thought on a safe adult for your son as people have mentioned. Is there any way his football coach could be in touch with him in this way? He’s the only person you’ve mentioned I can think of who may be able to help? I’d understand if he didn’t want to get involved though.

RobinStrike · 07/04/2023 11:35

@PurpleLampShades I hope you will see your son this weekend. My heart aches thinking of what a terrible position you are in. Is there any way you can use his college email to message him, or ask the school counsellor to give him a PAYG phone to keep in his locker at college so he can contact you should he ever want to? And for you to maybe send a weekly hello to him? There may be occasional moments in college when he would message you if he had the opportunity to do so without her knowledge. This is so hard. I hope when all this is over he will realise how loved he is by you.

Notjustjulie · 10/04/2023 21:52

I get the feeling more and more that in some shape or form this is going to be his mistake that he has to learn from himself sadly. I guess make it known that home will always be a place he can return to any time he needs to, then just observe from a safe distance ready to welcome him back into the home when it eventually does fall apart. It may be that it's gone to far for her as well now and she could well feel trapped herself and dare I say afraid to back away now that she's risked looking so very bad to hang on to him. There are a lot of eyes scrutinizing both of them and that will make the relationship incredibly stressful for the pair of them I'd imagine. I know everything about his demeanor will be viewed as being orchestrated by her and this is going to be a tough one to contemplate, but how happy was he at home before all this developed?

Thedogseyesareintense · 10/04/2023 22:02

Did you get to see DS this weekend at all purple? Really hope it went without incident and you have managed to see friends or family for the bank holiday.

I can hear in your posts how low and defeated you are and it’s not at all surprising. It must feel such a battle and underneath it all you just miss your DS.

Is there anyone I’m the family who could initiate more contact with him?

am I right in thinking he still doesn’t have a phone that you have a number for?
Would it be ok to ask him how you contact him in case of emergency? What about him giving his number to a neutral party at least just in case.

PerpetualFailure · 11/04/2023 00:49

Heaetbreaking. How would you feel to take a break from actively thinking about plans and procedures (courses etc) for a month, say? Sounds like you need some downtime / a break to be able to stay strong and sane. Just a thought. Although that's easy for me to say when it's not my child. 😔

longleggitybeastie · 11/04/2023 23:15

Hope you are okay @PurpleLampShades.
It feels awful just sitting on the side lines reading your thread. Can't imagine what it must be like living it. Still thinking a pet would be a wonderful distraction from it all - have you had anymore thoughts about that? Either way, I hope your finding some peace and time for yourself to recharge after all the recent developments.

Babyshadows · 12/04/2023 20:45

Still thinking of you, Purple 💜

Jaxinthebox · 13/04/2023 07:30

Just checking in to see how you and your son are doing.

Thedogseyesareintense · 14/04/2023 13:57

Thinking of you purple

LadyLucksters · 14/04/2023 18:51

Also thinking of you Purple. I can’t get your story out of my head. I thought the advice about a PAYG phone at school was a good one, and identifying other safe adults he spends time with.

LakieLady · 14/04/2023 19:09

@PurpleLampShades , this must be making you feel really hopeless. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I'm willing you all the strength you need.

Thedogscollar · 15/04/2023 23:07

If you saw your son today I really hope it went well. I think of you often. X

Thedogseyesareintense · 17/04/2023 20:30

I think of you often too @PurpleLampShades . I hope you have some good news soon.

LoobyLobbyLou · 19/04/2023 17:14

Hope everything is ok OP

IHateLegDay · 23/04/2023 00:10

Thinking of you OP xx

TotallyScouting · 23/04/2023 07:48

^^ Likewise. There are plenty of us here still if you need to vent 💐

SheilaWilcox · 25/04/2023 15:53

Hope you are doing okay OP.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 27/04/2023 11:36

Thinking of you purple x

Thedogseyesareintense · 29/04/2023 23:31

I often think of you and your DS purple

Thedogscollar · 29/04/2023 23:36

Think of you every Saturday as I know that's your day to meet with your son.
I hope your meetings are going well.

longleggitybeastie · 30/04/2023 07:50

Yep, same as everyone else here @PurpleLampShades I keep thinking of you and hoping you are okay xx

keepcalm11 · 30/04/2023 16:41

Ditto the messages above Purple, hope you and DS are OK

Panteranoir · 30/04/2023 16:52

Thinking of you often Purple and hoping you are coping.

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