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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think someone must be able to do something - part two

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 14/11/2022 19:22

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

OP posts:
noimaginationforausername · 28/03/2023 11:52

Sorry there hasn’t been any improvement op but as RandomMess said at least he is on everyone’s radar, no one can be thinking that this is a normal relationship. ❤️

L1ttledrummergirl · 28/03/2023 12:10

@PurpleLampShades he's turning up, given how controlling the girlfriend is, that must be taking a huge amount of mental and emotional strength for him.

It's really positive that he's meeting you, it must be an oasis of calm for him. Hopefully the phone is ignored a bit more while he's with you.

PurpleLampShades · 28/03/2023 12:26

The phone has been relatively quiet the last two times. I think she must have been spoken to about that too. I suspect he probably gets interrogated when he gets home instead.

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 28/03/2023 13:03

PurpleLampShades · 28/03/2023 11:45

Hello. Sorry for not updating, though there isn’t really a huge amount to update to be honest. Things are the same really.

I have seen DS at the contact centre twice more. The one before last was not the best. He arrived a while before me and was nearly in tears apparently, so one of the lady’s there spent some time talking to him before I got there. He was very quiet with me so we just played cards and I forced myself to chat about really inane stuff and completely avoided talking about the hand on throat incident. He didn’t mention it either, but he must knows that I know. I also know the sw and the police did a joint visit to the gf to talk to her about it and DS was visited at college. As predicted, it was hugely played down by both of them but I’m glad it’s on the radar even so.

He gave me a mother’s day card he had stuffed/hidden in his pocket. It was a bit crumpled but I was so happy with it. It’s still sitting on the side by the telly. I find myself picking it up and looking at it multiple times a day, which is quite ridiculous I know.

The weekend just gone, the visit was marginally better. He was slightly more ‘in the room’ than the previous time. Still seemed distracted but not as much as the time before. All this must be so stressful for him. I wish I could do something to make it easier or better for him. The review meeting is next week, Tuesday, so I should find out a bit more about how things have gone with the workshops and counselling.

The card is great OP, a small act of defiance which I think says so much, it shows he stills has some control. He obviously has an idea what she’s doing isn’t right, and wants to continue having a relationship with you. I hope that seed of doubt and refinance in him continues to grow and grow.

You are so strong OP, and I’ll say it again I’m in awe of you Flowers

I’m so glad others at the contact centre are looking out for your son too, you’re not in this alone. Please remember that.

RobinStrike · 28/03/2023 13:03

You've been in my thoughts, too, Purple. I do hope your real life contacts can give you support, as this must be unbearable for you. It does sound like maybe he has been told to arrive on time, and she has been told not to use the phone. You are doing everything you can, and it sounds like services who are involved are becoming more aware that there is a real problem. I hope during your meeting next week you might have more information on any interventions they are making. They must seriously consider how this is affecting his friendships and education as well as his relationship with you which is vital for him as much as you. I know we are just online names and comments, but please know you have many people thinking of you. Flowers

PinkFrogss · 28/03/2023 13:04

Defiance, not refinance Blush

Badger1970 · 28/03/2023 13:23

I'm so pleased that he gave you a card.

He must be so stressed and exhausted dealing with all of this. And it's starting to show. I know that must be awful to have to watch, but it's good that chinks of light are starting to filter through onto this toxic relationship.

longleggitybeastie · 28/03/2023 16:25

I'm so glad you've seen him both times. Getting a card must have been lovely amongst all that worry, it's no wonder you treasure it. I guess it's not long now til the review next week, everything crossed there'll be some positive feedback from college and counselling 🤞

SheilaWilcox · 28/03/2023 18:26

You are doing so well. If you read through your posts from when you first started the other thread to now, you sound much more in control of your reactions to the various games she plays. Other people are noticing something is wrong and are stepping in and that is all because you didn't give up.
I honestly believe this is going to work out okay in the end and he will know you had his back all the way through.

kateandme · 28/03/2023 20:28

Sounds so tough @PurpleLampShades . But there are chinks of light along the way
Don't remember to focus on them too. It's so easy to see all that hard right now. Keep noting down those little wins for you to look on.
Don't let them become complacent now they are "seen to have done something". All yo easy for lip service,tick boxes and then love on sometimes. Keep being the pain in their ass. Can't stop until that boy is home and safe.
Also tell them how tired and exhausted he is. They need to be aware of the emotional abuse and weariness this is being on him. Its far to easy for an abuser to knock them down so completely that they just give in.

I keep everything crossed,being rhe relationship this is she will soon tire of her game.she will see noone going to.lwtnher have him,win this. That this isn't some abuse victim that she can manage yo single out and down until they are alone. He's got one hell of a mum who will.not.stop.

Don't be afraid I think to be his mum purple.i no you want to keep it non confronted. But if there is little tiny way to keep a very soft openings. So there ARE gaps for him to offload.or spill.or just slight offloads for him. There will come a point he will be fighting his pride.desperate to reach out, be rescued.keep creating those pathways,as his mum for him to grab your hand to pull him out.

This is so hard on you purple.and your being bloody remarkable. Absolutely fucking amazing.dont give up.
From the outside of the pain we can all see moments to hold onto her.and we can hold you too whilst you carry on.

Jaxinthebox · 28/03/2023 20:41

oh purple, I have been thinking of you and although you probably can't see the 'light' with the mothers day card, it is a real act of your son taking some little bit of control.

I wish your son gets some help and comes home to you soon. Flowers

TotallyScouting · 28/03/2023 21:45

Small victories @PurpleLampShades . It might not feel like it but this is really heartening. I’ve three older teenage boys and although we have great relationships they have to be nudged by other relatives to remember mother’s day and buy cards. The fact he has gone against her and given you one when she was probably pulling him in totally the other direction is so wonderful.

winningeasy · 28/03/2023 22:47

Thinking of you - hope the next visit goes well x

Thedogscollar · 28/03/2023 23:04

@PurpleLampShades
The Mothers Day card speaks volumes. In spite of all that's going on your son has chosen to go out and buy you this as an expression of his love for you.
This is far from over Purple. Keep being the amazing Mum you are. We are all behind you. Xx

Thedogseyesareintense · 01/04/2023 19:04

He sounds very sad purple. Which whilst awful and so hard for you to see, is I’m afraid what I suspect has to happen for him to want to leave her.

the fact this was seen by the contact centre staff is very helpful for the SW team.

You are being so brave and strong for him. Just be there and wait. It seems the only way it will end now is if she gets bored of him or frustrated by the attention of SS or if he gets unhappy enough to want out. If that happens he will need you there to come to so the fact you stay solid and open and just quietly available to him is perfect.

but it must be agony for you. I hope he came again today and you had some peaceful time together.

Jaxinthebox · 02/04/2023 07:38

I hope your visit went as well as it could and your son is more engaged with you.

Hang in there, Im thinking of you each Saturday.

TotallyScouting · 02/04/2023 07:54

^^ same here. Every Saturday you have been in my thoughts 💐

L1ttledrummergirl · 02/04/2023 16:48

I hope this week has gone well for you. Flowers

longleggitybeastie · 04/04/2023 14:31

Is it the review today @PurpleLampShades?
I hope all is going as well as can be expected Flowers

Thedogseyesareintense · 04/04/2023 17:27

Hope you saw DS on Saturday purple. How was he?
And if the review was today I really hope you felt supported and listened to.

PurpleLampShades · 04/04/2023 18:30

Yes, it was today. DS didn’t attend as usual, and he has formally withdrawn his consent to participate in the CIN plan and has refused to engage any further with the interventions that were in place. This means he won’t engage with any further workshops or meetings with the sw but he did say he would continue to see the counsellor occasionally (he suggested monthly). The sw said she tried to explore the reasons why he no longer wants to engage and he stated he doesn’t need it, he’s learnt what they want him to know, and the relationship is better. He believes continuing with the cin will cause problems and he finds it all too stressful, and it upsets the gf. I obviously don’t want the cin plan to be closed, so the majority of the conversation was about the current level of risk to DS, whether just attending counselling occasionally is enough, or whether the risk cannot be mitigated by just counselling.

I don’t think it’s enough and I think the risk, particularly to his mental health, is increasing despite the interventions that have been put in place. Thankfully, this was supported by the college who said they believe DS is struggling and that, whilst he has attended all counselling sessions (mainly because the college have timetabled them in to his schedule, monitor him and escort him there at times) they haven’t got very far with the actual counselling part.

The sw’s said that though there are elements of concern about the relationship, it might not be enough to meet the threshold for escalating to a child protection plan, so we’re a bit stuck if DS refuses to engage any further. They want to keep him on a cin plan but it’s a bit of a non-starter if DS refuses. We’re all in agreement the case shouldn’t be closed (apart from DS) but they seemed like they didn’t really know where to go from here. They kept mentioning what a tricky age he is and how difficult it is to manage cases with teens between 16-18. I do understand that but if they recognise there’s a risk, and part of that risk revolves around coercion and psychological abuse, there surely must be something else they can look at doing?

DS didn’t mention any of this when I saw him on Saturday. He spent a lot of time telling me how wonderful gf is, all the wonderful things she’s been doing for him lately, how happy they are and how great their relationship is. It felt somewhat pretend to me but I tried to smile along and say the right things. I don’t really know how to take this sudden willingness to talk about her and where all this happiness and wonderfulness has come from. It’s a bit of a one eighty from last week when he was practically mute and nearly in tears with the lady at the contact centre. I’m quite confused to be honest.

Anyway, the outcome of the meeting is that the sw team need to reflect on the discussions we had and determine the risk level then decide whether to step down and offer him something else like universal support things instead of continuing the cin plan or whether they need to look at doing a CPP. We have having another meeting in a couple of weeks to finalise and decide what to do. The sw is also going to try and engage with DS again to see if there’s anyway he will agree to continue with maybe just the counselling or some other support. I don’t think they’re going to do a cpp from the way they were talking so if DS says no I am expecting to be dropped like a hot potato.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 18:41

That sounds very draining for you, purple, and very upsetting.

Having read your post, I'm wondering where on earth they go from here I must admit. The bit that sticks out for me is that co-ercive control is a punishable and recognised offence, and her behaviour is clearly meeting this ..... so why can't anything be done? I can't imagine how frustrated you must be, but you're doing incredibly well to keep going Flowers

MardyHa · 04/04/2023 18:49

I’m so sorry you’re not any further on Purple. Was there any discussion regarding the concern regarding the incident observed in the car at the contact centre? It is concerning that there appears to be coercive control, that would be an issue regardless of him being a minor. I do wonder what the team would do should their own child be in this situation (genuinely.)

Dwrcegin · 04/04/2023 19:09

and it upsets the gf.

I hope the sw team don't decide to step back. With free reign I can only imagine how over bearing and controlling she'd become over time. I'm sorry the meeting wasn't more positive but at least they are going to discuss how to proceed and didn't pull back immediately.

SophieIsHereToday · 04/04/2023 19:28

Maybe the thing to consider, is what they can do and then this might help you influence them. I can see it's a tricky situation but can we collectively think of ideas, that perhaps you rule out. It would be a shame to let them drop this.

Is there any case for the police to be involved with her? She likely dated a minor, put her hand around his neck and is engaging in abuse. Are any of these offences that should be known to them? Will she do it again to another minor?

I'm not sure exactly what is recognised as an offence but it feels morally wrong. I'm also not sure how they would progress it. But I wonder if there are other people here who work in this area who can see a path for you

Ideally you wouldn't be the one to report her but they could. And maybe that's the next step. Regardless of the plan they put him on.

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