To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

Ignore the usual guilt-tripping from people who are suggesting you ''sacrifice'' yourself and who talk about the good old days when women (because it is always women who are pressured to do this) were delighted to be unpaid, saintly skivvies for their entire life looking after kids, husband and then elderly family members. How very convenient.

They are not the ones who are going to look after your mother.

You need to be firm and say no to any attempt for her to move in.

There is nothing ''selfish'' about deciding what is best for you and your family.

I also think your mother might be guilt-tripping you to some degree as well and playing the part by refusing to even view the facility you found for her.

Assisted living sound like a good compromise and you will be able to visit but keep your own life/

You are also not a mental health professional and cannot be there to act as a psychiatrist every day. It is normal for any medications or mental health support to take time to work.

You are probably grieving too and there is only so much you can take before exhausting yourself mentally and physically.

Good post

Sorry but this made me lol. I think it had just the right amount of sarcasm and articulately got the point across that the poster ott enthusiastic and persuasive to the extent she seemed blind to any other point of view , but that the op mother should be allowed to live with her daughter xx

I am a bit terrified about her being 10 minutes away - if she does drink heavily and behave in antisocial ways we will be much closer and much more likely to be expected to pick up the pieces.

If supported living takes her on and things go wrong, it is their responsibility to deal with it.

It is never your responsibility to take on.

If it helps, OP, I don't think having your mum live with you would be the best option for her, either.

She needs help with her mental health; you, as her child, are not the person who is able to give that. Nor should you have that responsibility on you. Acquiescing to her demands will not, in the long run, help her to help herself.

I'm really sorry, it must be a very difficult position to be in.

I have been a carer since being 8, my gran until 11, then my alcoholic and abusive grandad until 2019 and I've had my mum too now since 2009 as she's become disabled through looking after her father and the resulting abuse (already had some conditions.) and lack of help from professional services (social worker /gp etc) it has destroyed every part of me from physical health to mental health and wellbeing.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I literally have no life (no relationship or children and I won't get to have one due to not being able to leave mum and other various things) and when my mum finally passes then (me being then 40/50 years old plus) do I finally get to start a life whilst dealing with my own likely still existing health conditions then having worsened but noone to look after me.

Caring isn't all lovey dovey snuggles on the sofa with a loving grandparent who watches the kid whilst mum and dad does dinner like you simplify it. It's backbreaking, exhausting and never ending.

(name changed as I don't want this in my usual posting name due to its painful truth and fact I'm easily identifiable from it for those who know my basic life)

VALID

Don’t do it - my late grandmother moved in with us when I was in my teens, and she single-handed broke my mother. The fall-out was indescribably awful and has left scars that still hurt more than 30 years later…

Obviously she can't live with you so don't even think about that.

What I would focus on is getting her to visit the assisted living place, getting her to deal with her health and addiction issues with professionals and - most importantly - looking at ways you can build some boundaries with her to protect your own mental health and family.

eg can you preempt the long weepy calls by calling her first and say hi, just checking in with you, how is your morning? and then end the conversation and say you'll talk tomorrow. And then don't answer her calls.

An hour a day is too long and she needs to find other ways of coping than crying on the phone to you. I know that sounds harsh but your mental health matters too and so do your kids and partner.

Google parentification and maybe seek some professional advice about how to manage. I wish you well.

@lololove 💐

YANBU
My mother is like yours- she is so draining and I feel very depressed around her- I totally get it- look after yourself

The obvious thing, if she refuses to come and look at assisted living accommodation near you, is to find her the same thing local to where she is now. Then at least she will be at a distance.

I wonder, given her issues, whether assisted will be sufficient? She may be better off in a care home with everything done for her and her medication and alcohol intake monitored. And she might also be less lonely.

One other thing to consider - if the assisted living development doesn’t have a care home with nursing care attached, she will have to move again when she deteriorates. If you can find a retirement village with everything on site it’s a major advantage.

I don't think her living with you is the best for anyone. She needs to be supported with her mental health and then find a way to get back out into the world through exercise, community groups etc that will build her confidence and independence and give her company.

If you let her move in with you, it sounds like she'd be staying in a lot, wholly dependent on your family for company, not doing much for herself. That's not best for her either.

Can you put a limit on the time you spend with her, and keep that boundary? Eg 20 min phone call a day, have her round for dinner once a week. But don't make it so your time is a blank cheque for her to dump everything and anything on you for hours and hours. Could bereavement counselling help her?

Also grew up with my late grandmother. My mother was her carer for 30 years - worse when she got older and was confined to a wheelchair. Mum had no life of her own and her only time off was an hour a day shopping.

Don't do it. I have panic disorder and PTSD, and wouldn't inflict myself on my family.
Your Mum needs to take her meds and engage with therapy. Its possible she isn't actually taking her meds if she is still having severe attacks, or she may need to try a different type. She sounds like she needs extra support, but that has to come from her GP and mental health professionals because you don't have the power to fix her. You would if you could.

There are mental health support help lines she should call, and Mind have an active online community.
This support line is also for families and carers;
www.supportline.org.uk/problems/mental-health/

Nope would never do it, my home is my sanctuary.. we are not in the past now, and we are not in another country where this is common thank god.
The people I've seen do it have hated it and relationships have suffered.

I wouldn't do it, we all need boundaries in place even with close family members. Have you tried limiting the amount of time you speak to her, 10 minutes maybe then say you have to go. Encourage her to see the assistant living place, in our area if you turn down accommodation a few times you're then placed at the back of queue. You're obviously doing your best but please don't let her take over your life.

Not a good idea, and I say this as someone who is fairly close to your mum’s age.
I think she has to find other ways to support her needs, I think living with you is her way of seeing a “fix” for her problems.
I think looking at professional support, local support groups for anxiety, social contact for her ( hobby groups? u3A? local church? ) might be helpful.
You can contact Cruse for bereavement support, they may be able to help.

I’m 60 and would shudder at the thought of placing such a burden on my children when I’m older. You help her a lot-don’t go down the route of moving her in. In the past, people didn’t have the same lifestyles as now or lived so long-don’t let people guilt trip you into doing this.

I am a grandmother myself and I would not want to ruin my only daughter's life and that of my grandchild by inflicting myself on them, especially when there is an assisted living option.

By the way, is your mother taking vitamin B? The alcohol is obviously excaberating her problem with panic attacks by removing vitamin B from her system.

I agree. Apart from anything else, if the mum is in her late 70s, the OP will be in her forties or fifties. If the mum lives for 20 years then there’s a good chance the OP will be a carer when she is in her seventies. None of us stay young and got forever.

Plus, frankly, this is going to do the OP’s marriage no good whatsoever.

Honestly you have to stay firm and say no. My mum was in your exact position so I have experience of being a child on this. She did stand firm but did spend 15 years ‘popping in’ which was hard when she had kids and a full time job. But for the sake of her marriage there was just no way my grandmother was moving in. I was older though so I helped my grandmother activities to do and in the end she found a group to socialise with. It wasn’t perfect but if my grandmother had moved in it would have been much worse.

OP, you're definitely not selfish to refuse to have her live with you. Please don't do it. You know she's an alcoholic (she was drink driving with you in the car when you were a child!), you know she's been evicted from a flat due to her behaviour, and you know it how was for you, growing up with a mother who has all these problems. You know that you can't fix her, she has to want to be fixed in the first place, and she doesn't sound like she wants to.

Don't put yourselves through that stress (my XH was/is an alcoholic - I wouldn't wish that crap on my worst enemy, it really is a form of hell). I also think it's no bad thing that she lives so far away from you - it means that it's less likely that she'll show up at your place drunk, and it means that you're less likely to be dragged into having to deal with dramas everytime she does get drunk. I know I sound awful, but you must do what is right for you, your DH and your DC.

FWIW, we did look after my grandparents at home, during their last illnesses: care was shared amongst my aunties, uncles and cousins (including myself). HOWEVER: most of my family are doctors/nurses (so knew what to expect and how to look after them); my grandparents were absolutely lovely, always really wonderful, polite and gentle. They didn't smoke and drink, they were never rude or unkind. Their health problems were physical (so they had full cognition and capacity) and they did what they could for helping themselves too. Had it been that they had dementia, it could have been a different story (and it definitely would have been a hell of a lot harder to manage!). We had a rota in place where there were enough of us to help them (and give each other breaks etc), there was enough space in the different houses of my aunties and uncles...and my grandparents happily accepted carers to come in too (family paid for this). But that is a situation that doesn't happen often (I know this as I'm a nurse): there were enough of us in the family able to help out (and work together/around each others' jobs/lives etc), space wasn't an issue and the family were able (financially) to facilitate additional help/equipment when needed.

Well said Stevie 6

My maternal grandma lived with us in the 1960s when l was very young. In a two bedroom flat.
She had one bedroom, l shared the other with my parents. Until she died when l was ten.
She was in very poor health, she'd had several strokes and was blind, deaf and paralysed, and doubly incontinent.
My parents and one of my aunts (her daughter) looked after her. I remember very clearly being told to sit down and not make a noise, with colouring books and pens, and given sweets. Totally understandable, but really not the best for anyone concerned. There weren't the care facilities back then that there are now, but even if there had been, l doubt we could have afforded them.
My main memory of being a child is having to be quiet and not bother anyone, and of the house smelling of 'illness'. No inside toilet, no bathroom. Tin bath, outside loo.
I appreciate things are different now, but my mother invested a huge amount of time and energy looking after my grandma. I was largely left to my dad and my own devices.
It would be a huge undertaking and upheaval, OP, and would undoubtedly impact on your family. I don't blame you for being reluctant to have her live with you.
I hope you are able to sort out something that's best for all of you. x