To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

@Zygon OP what do YOU think a good solution would be?

So many times on MN people give suggestions which are deemed not suitable. Therefore, what do you think would be a good solution?

If you’re going to see her or your parents pop in to you she can just have it when it’s convenient for them or you to take it

I can understand why you feel cross with your parents, both for expecting you to be the one who deals with gran's dinner; and also for being so selfish as to go out without a thought for her.

Have you ever discussed it with them and said that you think gran should be included in their Christmas? Or has it all just drifted into a situation where you do this job?

I realise also that taking the meal over makes a big hole in your day while your lunch is probably going cold - you can't exactly fling it in through the door and run - I am sure you would like to have a chat with her. Have you considered having your own lunch then having someone (not necessarily you) go over later with her meal and sit with her while she eats? - there is no real reason why she should have it at lunchtime when your parents are out and you are having lunch at home. There must be one family member who is willing to do this. They are a mean lot if not!

I feel for you op. It’s not fair. Of course you want to spend the whole of Christmas Day at home with your family.
I’d be resentful too, not about your gran as she’s the innocent in this but that there’s so many other people that could be helping out.
At the moment you seem to be the only one willing to put yourself out for her while the others are swanning off having the Christmas Day they want.
It’s time someone else stepped up and took a turn, you may not be in contact with the people who could help out but are your parents?Couldn’t they put it out there that this year you need someone to simply deliver her dinner but your dh would still cook it. It’s time someone else stepped up.
What would happen if you and your dh were ill and neither of you could take it?
All the best op. I hope you get it sorted.

This^^

My df is a v. difficult 90 year old.
I refuse to use my dc as extra help for him, they need to save all their caring time for me!😂

Yes, it probably is a bit. The Op can tone it down. But… I have a largish family and have found that if you allow wriggle room, people will attempt to guilt you into carrying on if it means they are not inconvenienced. Also if people pop in, they can just as easily pick up the meal on the way.

changing family behaviour often takes very blunt messages.

Just do it OP. You shouldn't have to, but it's a nice thing to do and will probably mean a lot to your gran.

I can see where your coming from a thank you and the offer to deliver it themselves or to get a family member to pick it up would be nice however I can’t imagine begrudging my gran a Christmas dinner. We did it every year for my grandad no questions asked. We’d take his down, sit with him whilst he ate and pulled a few crackers then we went home for ours. My mother did this by herself with no help (he was always invited to ours but preferred to be at home and was happy with our arrangement). Rather than spite your gran I think you need to confront your parents and highlight their rudeness.

Think you're getting a bit of backlash here which is probably seeming a bit harsh.

I think your parents are selfish, but it's passing to you.

Yes it's a farce. But she's 86, she won't have many more warmed up Christmas lunches to go.

Your mum could see it herself in a few years if she lost her dad. Being treat as a burden.

Then what about when you are older? Your husband could pass and your sen child may not be able to host you, would you want anyone whinging on?

If your grandma knew would she feel awful? It's one day a year. You could have another lovely meal together on NYD to make up for it and you wouldn't be expected to leave the house?

You don't need to justify the reasons; the stairs, the table (?!), your SEN child, your mental health. If you don't want to/can't be arsed then say that.

I think you should suggest to your mum you won't be able to drop lunch in this year and see what her plans are. If she downright refuses you may have to. Maybe she needs some home truths too! X

Jeez where has sense of family gone
i cook a meal for my elderly neighbour every night it’s not a effort as I cook for my own boys
I would love to have done it for my gran

Why not read the whole thread and see what the op has said? Jeez 🙄

I have read the whole thread and all I see are excuses about making a old lady a warm meal
who cares what other family can do it why does she need gratitude is your gran just do it and stop moaning and hope when u get to that age someone is kind to you

If you care enough about your gran, deliver the food. If you don’t care enough that it seems too much of a hassle and something you resent doing, don’t deliver the food.

I am on team@Zygon - OP I get it, I really do. Your good nature is being taking advantage of and you have spent countless years looking after Gran when no-one else seems to give a damn about Gran.

So don't do it, tell your Mum and Dad and siblings you aren't able to cook / deliver so other arrangements are going to have to be made. Do not make these other arrangements.

I find it extremely odd that lots of poster are having a go at you - usually the boards are full of - why do men not pull their weight, teach your boys to do their fair share, why should certain jobs be left to women - etc etc. And here is a perfect example of a man (OP's father) not caring a jot about his mother, and leaving all the woman's work to his daughter and the majority of posters thinking it is acceptable ... it isn't acceptable at ALL

Why would you need a thanks from anyone for doing a good deed for your gran ? If she is like most grans, she has probably done nice things for you throughout your life. It should be something that you do out of love and no thanks should be required or expected.
If it is a major hardship for you, is it possible that some of the many relatives who visit throughout the day, can bring food as well?

Have you discussed this with your family?

Because thanking someone is a completely normal way to express appreciation.

If any of my adult kids do something for my elderly parent I always thank them, because I genuinely AM thankful, and grateful that they are supporting me in the care I give my dad. As his daughter the prime responsibility for care falls on me, not my children. Anything they do to help is not only good for him, it's good for me too.

I think what you do for your gran is lovely and you're right, you do deserve appreciation. I'd do it one last time this year and let your parents know that THIS is the last year.

Sorry about your mental health. It sounds like you're always doing stuff for everyone else & not yourself. Look after yourself too xx

Your dad is being selfish. He should either take his mother out for a meal Christmas Day or collect the meal and take it round to her.

I think it’s a really kind thing of you to do, and I’m sorry your other family are ungrateful. I’m sure your Gran appreciates it, and while it’s a PITA on Christmas day you’d probably just feel guilty if you didn’t….

Because they have caring responsibilities that they have palmed off onto their daughter who now has mental health issues who more importantly, this time, doesn’t want to do it. why are they allowed their perceived freedom when she is not?

This year is our time. Just this year. Just this day. Sounds like the OP wants the same. She is not all the family her DG has

I don’t see what mental health has to do with cooking a roast, it’s an excuse for everything these days

Could your parents drop granny off when they go, she manages an hour or two being fussed over (and goes to the loo first!) then you drop her back plus meal?

Your poor gran. You’re taking a grievance with your parents out in her. She isn’t an extension of them, she is a person in her own right. It isn’t really down to your parents to thank you, you aren’t doing it for them.

You mentioned that she isn’t alone all day, as most family members will pop in to see her for a bit throughout the day. Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask one of THOSE if they could take her a meal, when they go round, if it’s too much for you this year? It doesn’t sound as if it’s worth asking your parents, but others obviously care, if they are visiting anyway. Even if they are going out for dinner, could they pick up a takeaway from where they are eating?

The other option is to see if there’s anything going in the area that she could go to. I set up a Community Christmas Day lunch a few years ago, and we had over 80 people coming along - most were on their own, a couple had partners with dementia, and there were some who just found it preferable to being with busy family and no downstairs toilets etc. There is a Community Christmas website that might be worth looking at. If it’s worded so that she doesn’t feel sidelined by the family, she may well really enjoy it.

I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling, it really sucks when life all gets too much. I’ve been there. I hope you have a great Christmas anyway.
And if nothing else, make sure you talk to your gran on the phone. I still miss mine so much, and she died 35 years ago.