To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I have to agree. ‘My mental health is too bad in early November that I can’t possible cook an extra portion of a meal I’m already making’.
There is no logic.

@luxxlisbon her husband makes it anyways. She delivers

Blimey, someone take her in for Christmas 🎄

I'd do her dinner but tell your parents you won't deliver anymore and ask them to collect it for your gran.
That's fair as it is your dad's mother after all.

I think I know where you are coming from op. Your parents get to have a wonderful day out with no thought at all for their mother/mil which consequently, by default, leaves the responsibility with you. You are dealing with your own responsibilities at Christmas and I think you feel that, to some extent, they have dumped an extra responsibility on you on an important day of the year without any acknowledgement or appreciation.
I don't think you mind the preparation of your grandma's dinner, which when you are doing a full on Christmas roast anyway wouldn't really cause much extra work. I can understand an hour long round trip to deliver the dinner is something else right in the middle of the day with two children you want to be with
However, it isn't your Grandmother's fault and I think she will be very hurt if you don't do it this year when you have previously done it without seeming to mind
I think, in your shoes I would tell your parents that you will be cooking grandmas meal but that you are not going out so they will have to collect it from yours on their way back from their meal out
Sadly if they refuse, and your MH isn't up to it this year, I would be explaining to your DGM that you will be cooking enough for her but your dp's have refused to collect. Grandma will still be hurt but would be able to see that you were prepared to do your bit but that your parents weren't prepared to do theirs. It's Christmas. An old person, but not your total responsibility. Hopefully something can be managed. 💐

It doesn't sound like it's the cooking that is the issue, it's the leaving her family to got deliver grabs lunch. Personally I wouldn't do this. We like to start our day with Buck's Fizz and I usually have a glass of wine on the go while cooking. Then some things need to be eaten right away, Yorkies roasts etc so if you are playing up then delivering someone else's lunch, when you get back for yours it won't be as nice.

Spot on.

Do it or don't do it. If you don't do it, it will be your parents choice to cater for their Mum or not. Why do you need your parents to thank you?

Maybe or it can be a build up of expectations. When I tried to do everything for everyone I found it disrupted my mental health to a terrifying degree. Those were my own expectations not even adding anyone else’s. .

so maybe it’s an excuse for you but everyone else’s limits are different. By the sound of the post the OP has reached hers.

Further perimenopause is no joke for some people. The dismissive way people are behaving on this post is interesting.

If only it was that easy for her to pop to the loo and not need again for a couple of hours. Never underestimate the anxiety incontinence can cause to a lot of elderly people if they know there’s not a toilet near at hand. In fact I’m in my 40’s and that would play on my mind!

@Zygon i think you are getting some really unhelpful and arsey comments.
Your granny is your fathers main responsibility not yours. Your parents could be helpful and move their lunch around and accommodate you by picking up and delivering the meal, but choose not to. This year tell him you aren’t cooking, and let him arrange an alternative.Your father is obviously pleased to be getting out of the obligation of providing his mother’s main Christmas meal, however this year just say you won’t be doing it, leave him to sort it out and enjoy a peaceful Christmas.

I'm the same, I’ve accommodated my inlaws every bloody Christmas, and this year DP and I are having Christmas completely alone, can’t bloody wait!

Something to do with her not using an oven for 5-6 years. I believe the OP mentioned it up thread.

Just to add to the many replies, it’s a real shame your grandma can’t come to your house as this would sort everything out and probably more enjoyable for her and less stressful for you. I do think you could do with having a very honest conversation with your parents but you seem very reluctant to do this. Unfortunately it’s the only way it can be resolved. Not to be morbid but your grandma probably won’t be around for a very long time more so if your parents refuse to help or you refuse to have that conversation with them I’d continue to provide her with a meal. She ultimately eats Christmas dinner alone which we can all agree is quite sad so why deny her a meal for the sake of a 1 hour round trip.

You're getting a hard time here, OP, and unfairly in my opinion. The question you asked was whether your parents ABU - on the basis of the info you provided I'd say yes.

The part of this you can do something about is to tell them you're not able to do it this year. What they do with that is up to them. If you tell them now, it's early enough for them to talk to your Gran and work out what they are going to do.

I'd hope they all care enough about you to recognise that, having done this for years, you saying you can't manage it this time is a sign you're really struggling. Take care OP.

You love your Gran to bits, she sees her family staggered throughout Christmas day.....but I guess if you dont take the food over, she doesnt see you?

Anyways, how about if take round an M&S ready meal the night before then one of the members of the family who do see her on Christmas day put it in the oven for her?

Well i wouldn't need thanking from anyone to take my gran a meal she's my gran!!
Why can't she go out for a meal with your parents? When they start dropping hints just say it would be a lovely surprise if you took her for the meal too as am not planning on leaving the house.

I agree that a bit of gratitude from your dad would be nice. After all, it's his MOTHER you're cooking for. Have you ever told them you'd like a thank you for what you do? I know you shouldn't have to, but sometimes people need a kick up the arse.

When my mum could no longer come to us (dementia) my DB and I went to the luncheon the care home did for residents (so I get about interrupting one's day) and then I took a plate of 'our food' to her the next day. I did all the cooking so I'd have to 'time' things to allow me about 45 minutes in 'mid cooking' for the luncheon and leave (non-chef) DH in charge of watching pots/oven. Luckily, she lived only 5 minutes away. The dementia meant that she didn't really know or remember if we'd been there 30 minutes or 5 hours. Towards the end she didn't really remember if we'd been there at all and didn't even really know who we were, but showing up just felt like the 'right thing' to do, so we kept going.

If you set aside your (justified) annoyance at your parents or if they fell off the edge of the world tomorrow, does/would taking Gran a plate feel like the 'right thing' for you to do? There's your answer. In the end, you're doing it for Gran, not your parents. And as my mum used to say about not being thanked by someone "You've earned a jewel in your Heavenly crown". If you're a non-believer, think of it as earning good karma or similar.

If you don't feel it's the right thing to do (and that is your decision) and you really resent facilitating your parent's 'easy Xmas', what would happen if you said "I won't be able to do that" or "I'll plate, but you'll have to take it to her?". If it means that your parents have to cancel their plans, that's their problem, isn't it? If you're afraid of the 'fallout', maybe you should ask yourself if there is something in your relationship 'dynamic' that needs to change.

PPs have given a lot of good advice and suggestions, OP.
Your parents are so delightful to never include their 86 year old mother/mother in law in their lunches. Can't imagine how they can do it and think nothing of it.
Why is it so hard for you to tell them how you feel and to ask directly why they never take her out?
Ask the questions and be straight with them, that way at least you will express your feelings and won't be building up resentment.

If I were Gran, left at home on my own all day with nothing but a cold delivery dinner to "look forward to", I'd tell you all to keep your dinner and I'd keep the gratitude that you seem to want heaped onto you.

Then I'd make sure my house went to charity and not to any of you.

Jeez

Good grief, can't believe people suggesting a 'ready meal'. Xmas dinner is about your 'traditional' foods, cooked from family (or special) recipes. I can't imagine sitting down to a home cooked meal knowing my mum/gran was eating something generic from the microwave, even if it was 'tasty'.

My grandmother in law is mid/late nineties and still going strong, op could be having disrupted Christmas dinners for another decade at least. Why shouldn’t op get her father to pull his finger and either take his mum out for dinner, drop a meal off or cook at hers.

other posters are minimising and diminishing op’s struggles this year. Give her a break and some compassion 🙄

Did you not bother to read any of the ops posts? She has clearly stated, on more than one occasion, that multiple members of her family visit her gran throughout the day, just none of them bother sorting out a dinner for her.

She's your gran and it's nice you've dealt with this for however many years. But time for your folks or your aunts/uncles to step up and do their bit. Very easy to arrange a delivery from a restaurant for her or they can order extra to take away from where they go to. Just needs them to actually get their heads out of their backsides and do something.

I get it, I had to deliver a meal to a family member last year and whilst I was happy to that year as they had just had an op and were bed bound I wouldn't like to every year. It changed my day and how it normally is. I couldn't have a bucks fizz in the morning. Or have a drink till after dinner and it meant leaving family to go there and back. Id say to your parents now, today, they will need to make other plans for her as you wont manage it this year. Why should it be you who is always inconvenienced whilst they get the Xmas they want every year.

the op is not interested in suggestions she just wants to moan and will probably do what she does every year

unless op puts her foot down and say's something things will stay the same
my house is small but cook for 9 and dont expect endless praise

doent sound like anybody wants to be with the gran how bloody sad and selfish