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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to do it this year

694 replies

Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:14

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 13/11/2022 15:08

YANBU...
Is there a valid reason why your parents can't take their DM/MIL out to lunch with them?

Think you're going to have to put your big girl pants on and tell your parents that while you're quite happy to still cook a meal you really can't deliver it this year.

Have you said anything before, of not maybe they're assuming as you've been doing it for a while you're happy to still do so.

TBF I'd never leave any of my children to see to my DP/PIL year after year while I pissed off to a restaurant or anywhere else.

KissTheHostGoodbye · 13/11/2022 15:08

Did someone really suggest hiring a commode? Wow.

Original poster
Zygon · 13/11/2022 15:09

Erm excuse me but I don’t treat her that way. Over the years I’ve spent a lot of time with my Gran, more so than any of my cousins have that’s for sure. I’ve taken her for hospital appointments, for eye tests, for her food shopping etc and more importantly I visit her often and spend time
listening to her which a lot of my cousins cant be arsed with. So don’t you dare judge me!

OP posts:
mitsy5 · 13/11/2022 15:09

For those saying have your gran over for Christmas dinner - I know from firsthand it’s not that easy. My family could have stood on our heads to get ours to come to one of us but she would absolutely not hear of it. The option to go to hers was refused too. I think it’s the being taken for granted by her parents that’s the issue here and the OP is really a good soul in caring for her gran and being worried that if she doesn’t do it, nobody else will. I wonder if your mum would be so inconsiderate if it was HER own mum and not her mother in law.

Genevieva · 13/11/2022 15:10

You cook it and serve it in the usual fashion, but your parents collect it from you and drive it over to her.

However, I expect your Gran also loves seeing you on Christmas Day, however briefly. I also suspect that when she is gone you will be glad that you did this consistently and lovingly.

JennyJungle · 13/11/2022 15:11

Why can’t your nan cook her own Xmas dinner … you said she’s in good health.

Original poster
Zygon · 13/11/2022 15:11

Yes there is a reason, they just don’t want to. Granted it’s not really a valid reason but clearly they don’t want to take my Gran as if they did they would.

OP posts:
Venetiaparties · 13/11/2022 15:12

"Mum and Dad just to let you know that I won't be delivering Christmas dinner this year to Gran, so please make arrangements to take her out with you'

Venetiaparties · 13/11/2022 15:14

Don't say anything else about it. If they ask why simply tell them your children need you to stay with them and that you are on borrowed time in terms of them growing up and their enduring memory of Christmas should not be their mother disappearing every year.

This is your parent's problem now not yours, they can figure out a solution.
Stick to your guns.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/11/2022 15:14

As I said earlier, @Zygon - I think you should tell your parents that you’ll plate up a meal for your gran, but they will need to organise delivering it.

girlfriend44 · 13/11/2022 15:14

Genevieva · 13/11/2022 15:10

You cook it and serve it in the usual fashion, but your parents collect it from you and drive it over to her.

However, I expect your Gran also loves seeing you on Christmas Day, however briefly. I also suspect that when she is gone you will be glad that you did this consistently and lovingly.

Exactly what I said. People don't thinking term generally.

Original poster
Zygon · 13/11/2022 15:16

She is in good health for an 86 year old but she hasn’t used the oven herself in about 5/6 years. She has home care come in and make her lunch/dinner.

OP posts:
Catzby · 13/11/2022 15:16

Cook a bit extra and get your parents to drop it off - not your problem if they've arranged something else. If you keep worrying about what they're doing, then this is your own doing.

Tell them when to collect and they can arrange the delivery, they could even ask a friend or a taxi, but leave it there in their court.

Fireballxl5 · 13/11/2022 15:17

I agree @Zygon that your family are selfish and taking you for granted.
You can’t change their behaviour but you can make your own life easier.
If it were me I would do a mini Christmas roast a couple of weeks before Christmas, make your Nan a foil tray dinner and freeze it.
On Christmas Eve go over.
Pop it in her fridge and leave instructions for your Nan to reheat in the oven.
If she can’t do this ask your parents to do it before they go off for their own meal.
You can supply the redcurrant jelly etc separately in little pots.

Witchlight · 13/11/2022 15:17

Ok, so producing the plate of food is not the problem, but delivering it is.

message parents, siblings and appropriate aunts/uncles via a group message.

hi, I am happy to make Nan Christmas lunch, as usual. However, I cannot get it too her this year. I know many of you go out to lunch at Christmas, but this does not mean you can’t deliver it. If nobody is able to deliver it, you may want to see about getting a take-away delivered. Just to confirm, I am not able to deliver the meal. There are 5/6/7 of us, so we should really take turns.

please discuss amongst yourselves who it going to deliver it, or arrange the take-away, then let me know. Do not try to guilt me, or pressure me into delivering the plate, as the continued expectation is unfair.

Thanks
xxxx

that should sort it.

Hayliebells · 13/11/2022 15:17

I think it's massively unreasonable for your parents to go out for a meal for Christmas, leaving your gran at home alone, then relying on you to take a meal to her. I think I'd just have a very frank discussion with them. You've done it the last few years, so tell your father that it's his turn to look after his mother this year. I'd even go so far as to tell him that he should be including his mother in their meal plans, either taking her with them, going round to her's and cooking, or inviting her round to theirs. If they have a decent relationship, I can't believe adult children leave their mother alone at Christmas, I think that's just cruel. As the grandchild, it's not your job, it's primarily your dad's. I'd stop enabling his selfishness.

SaySomethingMan · 13/11/2022 15:17

MRex · 13/11/2022 13:57

It doesn't sound like much of a Christmas, everyone in their own little family units. If it were me I'd be thinking of ways to integrate her - like do neighbours have a toilet she can use? Or can you all go and cook at her house? Or all the family meet up out somewhere? Or precook the main meal bits, all go to her in the morning and come back together to warm up your meal at home. Or do a Christmas party one day but get a meal sent from the pub for her on the day.

Anyway, clearly you don't get along with your parents and that's fine. They still aren't the ones to thank you for helping you gran, because she's your actual gran, not some random mate of theirs.

What a sad opinion. It doesn’t sound like much because people are “in little family units”? Do you think people who have family in other countries, or are nc with family for various reasons, etc, don’t have “much of a Christmas”?
Broaden your horizons a little.

mrssunshinexxx · 13/11/2022 15:19

Your parents need to be taking there mum/ MIL with them for a slap up Xmas dinner

Idontgiveashitanymore · 13/11/2022 15:20

Buy her a ready cooked dinner and take it her round before . Other wise tell your parents it’s there turn to deal with her.

ExpectMore · 13/11/2022 15:20

Mischance · 13/11/2022 13:25

Could you invite your gran to Christmas lunch with you all? - this would seem the best option: kinder, and saves you having to go out in the middle of your festivities.

If your Mum and Dad have no thought for gran's welfare, as it would seem, then who else is going to help her? Christmas is a family occasion and it is normal to include grans. Just because your parents have no decency, does not mean you have to copy them.

This!

5128gap · 13/11/2022 15:21

I don't know what a 'typical' grandmother is. I only know that in my family, they're the women who next to your mum (sometimes even ahead of your mum) love you from the day you're born. Look after you, treat you, comfort you, are interested in you, support you and are generally someone you can count on.
Not always of course, but if that sounds even a bit like your grandmother, you shouldn't let the selfishness of other family members stop you from spending an hour of your Christmas day for her.

glamourousindierockandroll · 13/11/2022 15:21

Witchlight · 13/11/2022 15:17

Ok, so producing the plate of food is not the problem, but delivering it is.

message parents, siblings and appropriate aunts/uncles via a group message.

hi, I am happy to make Nan Christmas lunch, as usual. However, I cannot get it too her this year. I know many of you go out to lunch at Christmas, but this does not mean you can’t deliver it. If nobody is able to deliver it, you may want to see about getting a take-away delivered. Just to confirm, I am not able to deliver the meal. There are 5/6/7 of us, so we should really take turns.

please discuss amongst yourselves who it going to deliver it, or arrange the take-away, then let me know. Do not try to guilt me, or pressure me into delivering the plate, as the continued expectation is unfair.

Thanks
xxxx

that should sort it.

This seems quite an arsey tone to take from someone who has never mentioned to anyone that delivering it bothers her. OP says that the family all drop into Gran's throughout the day. Surely people will assume that OP will be going as well at some point and it's become routine that she takes her a dinner.

mitsy5 · 13/11/2022 15:24

This is a bit harsh to be honest. The OP has explained the issue with access to the toilet. Whoever suggested the commode, I just can’t see the gran would be for this and it’s hardly dignified for her in someone else’s home. Same with asking to use a neighbours toilet. And maybe the gran has been asked to dine with them (and even the OPs parents have asked her to go with them) and she just doesn’t want to.

user1471600850 · 13/11/2022 15:24

Please will some of you read the Ops post she cannot invite the Gran to her house for very practical reasons!!! You are so annoying to post but understand the problem!

Jaxhog · 13/11/2022 15:25

I think you taking Christmas lunch to your gran is really nice, and unless you want to disappoint her, I hope you continue. If you stop, then there's no guarantee that anyone else will step in, so the only person you'd impact would be your gran. As you sound like a lovely person, I suspect you'd just feel guilty.