To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I get you, whilst it doesn't seem much to do for Gran - you've probably been powering through all your child's SEN issues and your symptoms, and you need to just stop on Christmas day because your beyond exhausted.

You do need to self-care and draw some boundaries. Tell your parents they can cook for gran or pick it up from yours, and if Gran is mobile enough they could take her with them for lunch opt as an option (choosing a pub with accessible toilet).

Hope you manage to get a break.

Could you or your husband cook a turkey breast/ leg dinner (bought separately from your chosen Christmas Day meat) and cook/ plate up and deliver it on Christmas Eve-that way your Gran only as to warm it up and still gets her Christmas dinner and you get to spend the day at home.

YANBU and your parents sound like assholes.

It's a dilemma.

I don’t think she’s bitter that she doesn’t want to do it every year, I can understand wanting to share the load. I think she is bitter because she really resents her parents having a good day. There is definitely something off about that and I’m not the only person to have picked up on it.

I note the OP studiously avoids discussing the relationship she has with her parents. I wonder if this particular issue is just the tip of the iceberg somehow.

It's the grandmother's own middle-aged children who should be looking after her, not the OP whose small children need her Christmas Day.

Could you send it over in a taxi and ask your parents to pay?

My relationship with my parents is ok on the whole. I don’t see the need to elaborate on that.

YANBU to be annoyed at your parents but YABU to begrudge your grandma.

If this has become an established routine, and you do not communicate that you're unhappy with it, then how will this be solved? People are not mind readers.

TBH, just a few weeks before Christmas when plans have been made is not the time to be throwing a spanner in the works. I think that you need to go with it this year, but make it clear that for next year you need your parents to either take Gran out with them for their meal, or deliver your cooked meal to her on their way.

Will you see your Gran at another point in the day?

I pressed YABU by accident.
You're not BU at all, you've done a nice thing up until now but if you're not in the mindset to do it, don't. Or say to your parents you'll plate up the food but they will need to transport it en route to wherever they're going!

Why can't your parents just order a meal for your nan at the restaurant and give it to her when they get home?

Ultimately her Christmas dinner doesn't have to always be your job or your financial responsibility

Tell your parents it's their job this year and can do what they see fit, whether that's staying home and cooking or picking her up a meal.

Your DP does the cooking, right? If they're happy to continue doing that and you can arrange for someone else ie your parents to drop the plate then it won't impact you directly. Would it mean you won't see your gran Christmas day though? Would you feel comfortable with that?

I would view it as doing something nice for my gran and not doing my parents a favour. It’s clear they aren’t bothered whether she receives a home cooked meal (which it sounds like she sits alone to eat) so at the end of the day it’s upto you if you continue to do this or not.

Your life seems hard, and we all go through phases where our mental health is off balance and menopause is no fun - that said popping to see your gran for the sun total of 60/90min on Christmas Day is not the straw that breaks the camels back. Try to address the other issues (anti depressants need reviewed? HRT an option?).

I do feel sorry for your gran in this. It's not her fault her children are selfish. It's probably sad enough for her she has to eat alone 😔 could someone just drop her off at a community centre where she could eat with others ?

Do they eat at the same place every Christmas? If so is it too late to add on your Gran? You'll need to speak with them and discuss how difficult you're finding things.
I know you mentioned your steep stairs but have you asked Gran if she'd like to join you? She may surprise you and it would be lovely for your children as well to have a memory of great grandma having Christmas dinner with them.

She isn't being unreasonable when:

• OP did it last year (and I think several years before that too), and is happy to take her turn
• Gran has a SON and a DAUGHTER who aren't bothering to take her meal/spend Christmas day with her - it is definitely their turn - they need to step up
• Gran probably has other grandchildren who could take a turn too

If OP was the ONLY family member then yes, of course, she would be unreasonable to not do but she isn't. The rest of the family are being unreasonable and selfish - OP wants a break this year and that is fine.

My husband is an ex chef so naturally he likes to cook. That said I do all of the Christmas food shopping, cut and prep the veg, baste the turkey etc and then keep the kids occupied whilst dh does this cooking. Dh says he has it easier being in the kitchen playing music doing what he loves.

Have you decided what you are going to do @Zygon ?

Who cooks for your Gran the rest of the year?

If you don't take it too her, would you not see her at Christmas?

Your DH does the cooking, so you can’t claim that’s one of your chores.

You can’t spare an hour to take a lunch to your gran, wish her a merry Christmas and then come home?

Excuses, excuses. She s your grandmother and you and the rest of the family treat her like furniture. Youre not that different from your sibling and parents.

FWIW I don't think yabu, I sense you're a kind person who loves their gran but is struggling at the moment. What I'd worry about is that you're annoyed with your parents and taking it out on your gran, which is something you could regret and could ruin your own Christmas.

Start a WhatsApp group, add all the family and say that this year you will be cooking for gran as always but please can someone pick it on and take it to hers when they visit.

There is a pattern here that I've seen so many times before. It always involves a woman doing something (usually some sort of care ) out of kindness, which then seems to make it her job forever. Other family members don't have to think about it, because the woman will do it. They can feel smug on the knowledge that there is nothing more they can do (ignoring the fact that there is also nothing less they could do!).

If the woman reaches the point of exhaustion or becomes ill (not because of the task itself, often, but because there are many smaller tasks which fall to her), she will be turned on and berated as unkind, selfish and spiteful for no longer performing this task. It will be seen as her job to arrange alternatives, make sacrifices, and generally avoid inconveniencing the people who should have been more involved in the first place.

The OP is ill. Her child has SN. She needs less pressure, not more. She isn't trying to suffocate poor old Granny in her sleep, she just wants to drop the rope and recharge her batteries. She hasn't said she never wants to do it again, just that she needs a bit of compassion herself. I think she both needs and deserves that.

Fgs sake bloody Christmas ban it all these threads about Xmas pressures and stresses.

All I can say is you nan might not be around for too much longer.
If she's not here next year you may regret this post.
I have often have thoughts about ppl I'm sure we all have but now they aren't hear I wish they were.

How about talking to your parent and saying you can't manage it this year so they will need to sort your gran out? If they push back I'd be pointing out as their mum/mil she's more their responsibility than yours. Alternatively you could ask your parents to pick up the meal from your home and then your gran could have a xmas dinner instead of lunch?

You've been nice to do it this far and I can totally understand not wanting to take an hour out of your day when you just don't feel up to it. She's got kids so maybe they ought to step up! Op isn't the only grandchild either.