To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Hi there sweetheart, can you send me either your parents or your aunts address and I will quite gladly tell them to step up or take the biggest flying fuck. I’ve been there and bought the tee shirt and like you I struggled a bit with my health. What I learned from that was , me, yes me! I’m important too. Obviously my passive aggressive approach is not one you want to go down but if you don’t stand up for yourself and say you are struggling then nobody will know and nothing will change . Speak to them, please ….I eventually lost the plot and my temper leading to fractured relationships ( healed) . They all said, “We didn’t know”. Unless you tell them , they won’t and nothing will change . ❤️

The other thing is, are you cooking a meal for your Gran because you care about her and want her to have a nice meal? If that is the case then really the issue of your parents swanning around is irrelevant? If you are only doing it because you feel pressured into it by others then that is a different thing. If that is the case I suggest you call a family meeting, explain the problem and find a solution/. At the very least, you not having to deliver her lunch, even if you are cooking it.

Can't you bring gran over for the day? She might like the company.

The other thing is, are you cooking a meal for your Gran because you care about her and want her to have a nice meal?

She doesn't even cook it. And other family members visit the gran on Christmas Day. Yet half the posters in this thread are frothing that the "burden" of caring for the old woman is solely on the OP's shoulders.

Mind you they also believe that the gran's house can't hold five people (two of them children) and that the OP's mental health will crumble from driving a plate half an hour, so it's not that surprising.

Really I think your parents should take your gran out with them for the christmas day meal - why can’t they take her with them? - there would be downstairs loos in restaurants/pubs surely? i can understand your point of view

Tell the family Granny said that , “as they leave everything to you in life, she’s leaving everything to you in death”.
Bet you a pound to a pinch of poo, you won’t even get a look in next year!!!

PS. This is just a joke (but only because it would be hurtful to Gran if one of them repeated what you said)!

You are quite right to now prioritise yourself and your family. There seems to be plenty others in your family that need to take a turn. If they pop in on Christmas day some one can bring her a dinner, and you can arrange to see her on another day. Xmas day isn't the only day to visit family. Just let everyone know that you will not be doing it this year. You are doing nothing wrong. The rest of the family need to step up. YANBU.

I really feel for you OP. I think there have been some uncalled for mean comments. I completely get where you’re coming from, having suffered with meno symptoms for a while and the accompanying MH issues. Add a SEN child into the mix and it’s no wonder you need one day with no responsibilities to look forward to. You just want someone to recognise you’re at the end of your tether and offer to sort your Gran out so that you can have a lovely day with your family. Not anything unreasonable considering that you’ve helped deliver lunch to your gran for years. I wonder whether you could say to your parents. I have done Christmas lunch for Gran for x years. I need a break. I’m happy to resume service next year but this year due to my own need for a quiet Christmas Day where I don’t have to leave the house someone else is going to have to do it. Happy to provide a lunch as we are already cooking but I can’t do the delivering. I think if you say that you’ll do something next year then that might help soften the blow?? If they arrange something then you can say afterwards that worked well, let’s continue with that, I’m happy to alternate each year so that it’s fair. Hope it all works out for you xx

Is there a tag line saying don’t suffer in silence speak out about your mental health. U have done that here and some have been awful to u. U explained the situation and how it impacts. I’m sure u don’t need guilt tripping. Gran may be up for having dinner brought by one of her guests. Take care and look after yourself

I think your parents are selfish as is your gran’s other daughter. Why don’t your parents take her out or she could go to her other daughter?

You are under no obligation to make anyone dinner, your own mental health is more important. Let someone else do it for a change. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for having the kind of Christmas Day you want to.

Also you have been a good granddaughter that doesn’t stop by letting the other lazy sods do their share.

She’s your Nan? I’d give anything to be able to support my dear departed Nan and I wouldn’t care what anyone else was/wasn’t doing because I’d be doing it for her! Why don’t you take your kids to see her too. Honestly I can’t believe this is an actual problem for you! Get over yourself, you sound awful! You won’t have to do it ever again when’s she is gone…how’s that!!

@WTAFhappened123 there’s always one

This thread pretty much confirms why women don’t speak up about their mental health and feeling burnt out. How dare someone feel a bit overwhelmed. How lazy and selfish.

Just tell them this year doesn’t work for you and she is either welcome to yours, other daughter can arrange it or your parents can invite her out.

I guess they are all assuming you like doing it. If you are not feeling 100 percent even the smallest thing can be a big task; if you don’t want to leave the house on Christmas day. Just be honest

You sound like you’ve been really struggling, I’m sorry. I think you need to have a word with your parents, explain your situation. Take care.

Unfortunately OP your family won’t step up to the plate so you need to decide if you carry on delivering the food or let her fend for herself

As someone who has always done the cooking and hosting for Christmas day, whether that be my Mum, friends, elderly friends etc, I know it can be tiring. However when an elderly friend of ours had to have his leg amputated last year and obviously couldn't manage the stairs for the loo, we got him a commode and made sure there was somewhere private for him (none of this ideal for any of us) however it did ensure he was able to enjoy Christmas day surrounded by people who cared about him.
Same went for my mum before she passed away, yes it wasn't ideal but I can't imagine doing things any differently. We're just used to enjoying our chill time when guests have gone home.
I'd take any inconveniences to have one more Christmas with my mum, nan and older relatives we've lost along the way.
Also I've never felt put out or put on, personally for me, including people and making them feel welcome it's what Christmas is about.

Fecking hell. All this arguing about which unlucky bastard is going to draw the short straw and have to deal with an elderly relative on Christmas day because apparently no-one wants to.

Unless there is a MASSIVE backstory about why none of her children or grandchildren want to see her at Christmas, I feel so sad for that poor woman.

This. And the fact that someone would plate up a meal and take it over but not have someone to visit because their table only seats 4... And that that person is the least awful of the relatives too.

Has anyone else noticed that vague perimenopause references have become the new chronic illness trend?

Sometimes mental health issues do that.

This!

Can you point to a particular post that indicates that?

How about grab not being able to make it up the stairs? Does that cut it?

Agree the parents are selfish leaving Gran out of their fancyChristmas meal- and need to invite her along
but Op is not leaving Gran out of her Christmas meal - Gran can’t walk up the stairs to the loo at her home

Maybe all in the family could bring a plate to Grans for Christmas Eve morning tea or lunch ?