To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Why is your gran on her own at Xmas? You are literally sticking her some food on a plate and dropping it off, unless she lives 2 hours drive away I don't understand why it's so much hardship? What has mental health got to do with anything, you say your husband cooks it anyway. All sounds mean spirited of you all to be honest, my grans wouldn't have been on their own on Christmas day (none of them are still here, we always had them at our house without fail, my parents worked christmas day too, they juggled hosting and working).

I would be pissed off. But through gritted teeth I would still do it. She’s your gran. Cherish her. I’m about to spend my first Christmas without my nan and grandad and it is killing me

i think the timing is the issue

cooking the meal the day before and going over xmas eve for a bit of time with gran - probably fine

but cooking the meal xmas day - say its done 12.30? so then have to drive over then drive straight back to get own dinner whilst still hot- a chore which makes OP feel bad, and also only gets 5 mins with gran.

Don't any places near gran do xmas dinners - local pub? i am sure we bought an xmas meal for an old neighbour to be delivered one year.
then gran gets a meal on the day that someone heats up when they visit - she can eat with a visitor and OP can visit at a time when actually everyone can stay for a bit.

I haven’t read all the responses but it seems the issue is with your parents, not your gran. Are your parents selfish in other ways, too? Do they actually know how you feel? Maybe they think you don’t mind and it’s not a big deal. I did the same for my mum when she didn’t want to leave her house Christmas Day. It does take a slice out of your day. Shame about the loo situation…

YANBU. And blimey what a lot of hostility being shown to someone who's done a kindness many times in the past. If you're not up to it this year, you're not. Time for others to step up.

You could get a commode or camping toilet for her to use. There’s always a way around it. I am not surprised you feel aggrieved by this because your family values seem to back up your sense of entitlement. You all seem variously entitled in your own ways, and to not want to visit your nan for an hour or two (and have some downtime yourself!) on Christmas Day, when she presumably has a limited number of Christmas’ left, because you’re perimenopausal seems really strange. I guess you feel that yourself, hence your post. I think you have some deep thinking to do but you really should point this out to your parents.

If various people are calling in to see your Gran during the day, could you suggest to them or your parents or sibling they pop by your house and collect your gran's dinner and take it over to her?

You are being unreasonable. You don’t be kind to your grandmother to please your parents. You do it because you have a relationship with her, and it seems from your posts you don’t like her. If you don’t want to do it any more, that’s on you. Not your parents

OP does most of the other trips too to the doctor’s etc. This is an hour driving plus time there, and no one else offers.
OP, you know what you need to do - say no, move on and ignore negative posters on here.

Oh god I really feel for your gran, the obvious solution here is she goes out for the meal with your parents. Is there a problem in their relationship which means that doesn’t happen?

even so, if we can put up with my odious father in law they could put up with your gran!

It’s such a shame but not her fault. You’d think her parents would do something for their own mother.

Well this year your parents can take her to lunch with them. You can arrange to see her on your own time when it suits and you can take your time because you won't be frazzled.

I decamped to my mum's once when she was ill and cooked the celebration dinner. We decorated the house and all the adults brought a dish. It was lovely, maybe do something like this for your gran. It'll make her house alive again at Christmas and you don't know how many she has got left tbh.

I understand that you feel peeved that your parents aren't bothered about hosting your gran. However, I'd do it to make my elderly gran happy if she was alive again.

If your gran sees all the family at some point during the day, then presumably she’d be seeing you at some point too. So time your visit for just after lunch. As your DP does all the cooking you can chill with the kids while he’s doing that.

This is the least Christmas-spirity thing I've ever heard.

You are not wrong. Tell your parents that it's not happening this year and your putting a ball in their court. End of. You have kids and want to kick back and enjoy, I get it. Hope all goes well from a fellow peri-menopausal screw up x

Your parents sound like pricks by the way

Offer to cook it but say you won’t be driving it over.

Me too. Making an old lady suffer to punish other people who clearly don’t give a shit about her is so mean spirited I can’t get my head round it.

Your poor gran 💔

@Zygon - you haven’t answered the many posts asking if you visit your grandma on Christmas Day as you mentioned family filter through her house during the day.

if you do then not sure why you can’t take the food with you.

if you don’t and really feel like it would be too much for you then the only choice you have is to tell your mum and dad that this year somebody else needs to take the food that you will happily cook. For one year they could book their lunch a little later. I’m sorry, I don’t want to judge them but I feel sorry for your gran if her own son treats her like this. My husband would never have his mum or dad alone at Xmas.

Your mental health is important so you do need to do what is best for you. However I do feel like you may be the sort of person that would end up feeling guilty and maybe distressed if nobody helps you out with this so maybe the best option is for you to do it.

Coukd someone else pick up her lunch from you and deliver it, as a compromise?

Spiteful, really?? The poor woman has had a difficult year has her hands full with her own family I think she sounds at her wits end and needs lots of tlc. You however in company with a lot of posters tonight do sound a little judgemental.

This is exactly why I think this is causing you anguish this year. You're obviously having a hard time of it, and asking for one day to relax with your family is not asking for much. This year is your day off. Someone else can do grans food and or drop off. Lots of love look after yourself xx

Your parents sound awful :(