To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I think, OP, that you are getting a very hard time on here. Especially as you are the one who has ensured, in the past number of years, that DGran HAS a nice, and hot, freshly cooked, Christmas dinner served to her.

Meanwhile, your DPs, your 2 DSiblings and their partners and DGGCs, and various other DAunts and DCousins all get to take a step back. Either going out for nice meals cooked by a chef, or just visiting but not needing to think about DGran getting a Christmas dinner.

I think, given you have done the running around (including taking an hour driving in the middle of Christmas day, and no doubt it's not just a "Hi Gran, here's your dinner" and dash back out the door visit, so even longer away from the house and YOUR family, helping DP, playing with DCs, enjoying the holiday yourself....) that you have a right to say "I've done my turn, now it's someone elses".

Maybe put it out on a family whatsapp group that you are willing to still cook and plate up DGran's meal, but you realise you need a break as a family and won't be leaving the house this year so someone else needs to collect it when "going to visit DGran anyway". Or else that someone else needs to organise it entirely.

Just make it clear that, this year at least, YOUR boundary is that you will not be leaving the house on 25th. You will visit DGran at a time (or times) over the holiday season that suits both you and her, but that's a separate matter for you 2.

By saying it early, and letting them know you are happy for them to collect a plate for DGran - you're not expecting them to organise it ALL (although that would be nice), it shouldn't be a problem. There is still time for reservations to be made larger to include DGran at the restaurant. Or for people to build in time to make a stop at your house on their way to see her.

But just lay down the marker that - at least this year given all that you and your family have been going through - you will not be leaving the house so cannot deliver DGran's dinner to her. So who is going to do that or what alternative plan does anyone have for DGran?

Why dont you suggest to your parents that it might be nice for a change if they took your Gran with them, that she might enjoy Xmas dinner out with them for a change ? you could also throw into the conversation that it would give you a break from dropping food off for her this year since you are not feeling great. If they dont think that is a good idea you could then say well, perhaps you can arrange for somebody else to drop food off to her this year then as I need a break and dont want to do the hour round trip. Make it their problem to solve. They do seem very selfish.

And just because she's 86 doesn't mean it is "likely" to be her last - if she's still spry and active, just can't do steep stairs, she could be around for years yet! (Speaking as someone who's DGPs were 81, 90, 92 and 96 when they all passed away). Things can change in a hurry at that age, but 86 is not so old that it is necessarily going to be an imminent change.

Make your gran's Christmas lunch. Plate it up. Tin foil it, in the oven to keep warm. Tell your parents/aunt/siblings/cousins they need to pick it up on their way to gran's house.

Problem solved.

The wanting a thanks bit is an entirely separate matter that I personally wouldn't waste energy on. They've never thanked you. They're not going to suddenly start doing so. There are 2 options for that issue. 1 let it go. 2 tell your parents how their attitude is upsetting you.

OP have you actually had a discussion with your Nan or parents about Christmas day arrangements?

Do they all assume that because you've done the meal every Christmas for however many years without saying anything that you're happy to continue to do so?
I really don't think it's unreasonable to want to get up Christmas morning and spend time relaxing with your own DH/DC without having to disappear midway.
Yes it would maybe be a bit different if she had no one else but there are others that could help especially if they visit during the day.

Give your family a choice.
You will cook and someone else can help by delivering.
Or they can invite her along to their Christmas dinner.

Your parents sound like horrible pricks but I’d be continuing for the sake of my Granny, not them. She likely won’t be around for much longer, I’m sure the Christmas lunch means a lot to her. Shame she just can’t join you, suspect you’ve addressed that further up.

OP I think you are getting a hard time here. It is pretty normal to want to feel appreciated when you are doing a kind thing a d helping out. I do something similar (gran can come here as I have wheelchair access and downstairs loo) so my own folks can go visit my brother who lives further away. They see us all the time and it means they get to see their other grandkids They are always really appreciative of the fact they don't have to worry about sorting gran or her bring on her own and we enjoy having gran. Maybe if you are feeling that you have enough on your plate (totally understandable - I also have SEN children and all the fuss etc can be an extra layer of stress!). Maybe talk to your folks and get a solution that works for you - you have to look after your own health too and we can't always be all things to all people.

Is your Nan going to be alone for Christmas? 😔 Why not just tell your parents that you will cook but that they are responsible for taking it to her? Or why not take the kids with you, give her a gift, if it were my Nan she always loved seeing the kids. Sure that would make her day?

Mumsnetters: Women need to put themselves first, always running around after everyone else, doing the drudgery, picking up after everyone, last on the list.

OP: I need to stop doing this, for my mental health, for my family, to share the task with other family members.

Mumsnetters: How selfish, disgusting, mean, you'll regret it when she's gone!

What became a loving gesture has turned into an expectation and an absolving of responsibilities by many other family members. It's not fair on OP nor her own family. Rent a commode, borrow the neighbour's loo, sit on a stack of Yellow Pages, Mumsnetters already earmarking Gran as on her deathbed, all just ridiculous!!!

OP, just let your parents know you won't be doing it this year then shut the conversation down. I am sure between them all, other family members will be able to come up with a solution.

YANBU.

If you have brothers, parents and other wider family close by then it's obvious that you have been made to feel like the obligation is yours alone to provide for your Gran each year by everyone. You may love your Gran but the point is that you would like to be able to spend a Christmas day with your family not having to drive out anywhere which I think is perfectly reasonable! Definitely be selfish for once and enjoy a Christmas Day to chill out at home. Your wide range of family members can sort it out between them don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not putting yourself out for once when none of them clearly care enough too.

I find this post a bit weird. I would expect gran to thank you, not parents, but I do not get the issue. If you do not want to cook, then don’t! You are an adult, tell gran/your parents you are not doing it this year because you do not want to, and leave it at that. What is the problem?

I'd sympathise with the OP were it not
a) she isn't actually doing a vast deal (cooks a dinner, takes it over, gets straight out of there asap, doesn't spend any time with "beloved" Gran)
b) she wants to act more out of spite and revenge (Mum and Dad don't thank me, but if I dump doing Gran's dinner, it'll really scupper their plans to go for an expensive lunch, sod what effect it has on Gran)

I don't see why OP and her family can't cook and eat their dinner at home (leaving a plate in the oven), all drive over to Gran's then stay a few hours with her all together. That's not to excuse the mum and dad but the OP's spiteful approach to this is all wrong.

Your parents sound like cheeky fuckers - they should take gran with them for a treat! You are not being unreasonable to be irritated with your parents but your gran needs a dinner so you might end up doing it if you be more direct - why can’t you just tell your parents to stop being selfish and sort her out?

No doubt your Gran feels the passing of the years - once upon a time she would have been the one to feel everyone was relying on her at Christmas. Your parents are just mean. But that does not mean you have to be. The "we only have a small table to fit four" does not really cut it. Be generous, and think about your Gran even if it means putting yourself out. It does not seem the greatest hardship having to drive a plate over to her.

Can’t she spend the day with you.

If you really can’t do it explain that to your parents and don’t back down . However, unless it was absolutely impossible, I’d just do it because it’s a kind thing to do. I certainly wouldn’t expect thanks .

@threatmatrix - @Zygon only has a small house - no room for an extra guest for dinner, plus her gran can’t manage her stairs, to go to the loo. People have suggested a commode, but if there isn’t room for an extra guest, it’s possible there is nowhere private to put one, even if gran was happy to use one downstairs at the OP’s house.

Can your Parents take Gran with them?
or could Gran join you at yours for Lunch - bless her…
you are a kind girl but need some help!
your parents should be ashamed !

Why don't your parents take gran with them for Christmas dinner?! I see where you're coming from, you're doing all the work & your parents are swanning off having their meals at a restaurant- no mess, no cooking, no clearing up! You, on the other hand have to cook it then deliver like 'meals on wheels'!

I think you're making a mountain out of molehill. Surely it's not too much trouble to take your gran a meal? I wish I still had parents, never mind grandparents.

I think this is a deeply unpleasant thread for many reasons. I find myself having absolutely no sympathy for any of the parties involved including the OP. The only comment I would make is that if she spoke to her neighbours about gran using their toilet I can pretty well guarantee that they will be fine with it. People tend to be much nicer than we give them credit for. My neighbours have just had their bathroom renovated and the builder turned out to be not so great. We have had them in and out for a couple of days and its absolutely no issue. Actually also what sort of a message is it sending to her children that gran is such a problem. One that will bite her on the ass when she is old and needs consideration? AND in both my area and my MIL's area there is a lovely christmas lunch arranged in the local social club/community centre that is manned by volunteers who themselves don't have other arrangements on christmas day. I would look into this as they tend to be great fun and they usually arrange transport. Oh and how does gran feel about all this. Just because she is old surely doesn't mean she has no input. She brought up these selfish children...........

What’s the arrangement for your Gran when there are other things she needs like trips to the doctor or DIY jobs in her home?
if your parents do all this then a dinner once a year is not much to give them a day off.

Poor gran, imagine how awful she would feel reading this 😞

When I see things like this on Mumsnet I wonder if any OPs ever stop to think they might be a grandma or MiL one day? So OP, your DH cooks the dinner but its too much for your to deliver it? Why don't you take your DCs with you so they can wish their GG a happy Christmas and maybe take her a small gift?

I would definitely agree with this.
Why should you be burdened with this task every year? It doesn't seem fair to me OP and I think you shouldn't be afraid to tell your parents so.