To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Sounds like you’re pissed at your parents and your poor Gran is getting the brunt of it. Yeah, it’s pretty shitty they don’t bother with her, but then you’re no better if you do the same.

You're not being unreasonable, everyone else is though. Just say no. It's someone else's turn to look after her, it really wouldn't kill your parents to think of someone other than themselves for once

I think it's amazing what you've done so far. This year perhaps still continue to cook, as that isn't the difficult part and you'd be doing something nice for your grandma, but let your parents know that you won't be delivering.

It’s your dad‘s mother so his responsibility not yours. Tell him you’ve done it for a few years and it’s someone else’s turn. I think they sound very selfish.

The reason hy everyone let's you do what you do is because you've never really ssid anything. Time to change all that. Don't ask, don't beg, just make a flat statement. You don't mind plating up a dinner for Gran, but someone else will have to take it. Don't start second guessing who will be doing it, or who won't, or why. You don't even need to offer any explanation, if you don't wish to.

Why should you be the only one in the family doing this?

Ok so I was feeling bad for your gran all alone but you say that’s not so, she has plenty of visitors during the day. I get that she can’t come to yours as you have no downstairs loo and that you can’t go to hers. You’re basically pissed at being expected to miss out on part of your Xmas day whilst your parents have the day they want and I don’t think that’s unreasonable of you (although frankly I think I might welcome an hour of me time in my car on Xmas day!) so I say YANBU. Possible solution, plate up a roast dinner for her a few days in advance and freeze it, then get it delivered for her to nuke on the day?

Why does it have to be her sole responsibility? Why can't they actually cook a Christmas dinner and spend some time with their mum ? Which I'm sure the gran would appreciate so much. The O.Ps parents sound quite selfish. Why can't they invite gran with them for the fancy dinner if they don't want to cook ?

Yes, he and I were named in the will, not a massive amount. It was dealt with by solicitors and he, brother, was constantly on the phone to see f I knew how long it would take!

yanbu. I get where you’re coming from. Tell your parents you can’t do it this year so can they make sure your gran is fed. Then leave it with them to organise something

So if all these other family members drop in and out all day, where are they having lunch?
I think you could resolve this if you chose to communicate. You're making assumptions about your parents motivations for not taking her. And you're "not close" enough to the others to ask. I get it but if you want an actual solution pick up the phone and talk to people and ask direct questions.

I have a similar situation where I plate up a roast dinner and deliver to my Nan every Sunday. Sometimes there are weeks where I’m tired and I would much rather stay at home and relax but then I remind myself that one day my Nan won’t be here anymore and I will miss those visits on a Sunday.

Not meaning this in an unkind way, but at 86 it’s not likely that you’ll be having to do this for that many more years. I know that if I didn’t take my Nan a dinner one Sunday and it turned out to be her last then I’d just feel awful.

I'd tell your folks you haven't got a problem plating up for Nan, but they need to collect t it and drop it off either before their meal or after. You've done it for yrs, let others step up if your folks aren't prepared to collect. Enjoy your Christmas.

My gran died nearly 5 years ago... I'd drive to the ends of the earth if it meant I could spend some time with her this Christmas. Maybe put a positive spin on it OP and see it as an opportunity to spend a little time with her and so something for her that she appreciates?

Sorry...I dont see the problem. She is your gran. Your parents dont have to thank you for cooking a meal for your gran, responsibility within families doesnt have a pecking order...ie. its your dads mum so he is responsible...she is family, its Christmas, you dont mind plating it up...sounds like you dont want to deliver it. So tell your parents or other family you will cook but they have to deliver. Bottom line if its too much trouble....tell your nan she will have to find her lunch elsewhere at Christmas.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I have 2 SEN kids and struggle with my mental health. It's often things like that that make me stress, I wouldn't feel I could relax knowing I have to go out to drop something off then come home/eat and entertain kids, especially as my kids are much more excitable and dysregulated on Christmas/routine being different.

Is there somewhere nearby that you could order a dinner from, or ask carers/meals on wheels to deliver? Or perhaps a local church do Christmas dinners for the elderly or host a Christmas meal?

Its clear you want your nan to have a Christmas meal, but understandable that you don't want to have to be the one doing it again. It sounds like you've been doing it for a while.

You’re all in the wrong to leave poor gran by herself. Why can’t she come and spend the day with you? Then you won’t have to go out.

Take her the lunch, enjoy an hour of peaceful driving and the appreciation I’m sure you get from your gran. Maybe she’ll show it in the will ;-)

If it were me, and I also have a child with special needs, and am menopausal (so I get the pain) I would mix things up a bit, a change is as good as a rest so they say - why not have your traditional Xmas day meal on Boxing Day so you can spend the whole day not having to leave the house and have the odd tipple without anyone having to drive. For Xmas day you could stick a casserole in the slow cooker and go and visit your gran and eat together. As others have said you can squeeze in. A few years ago we went away on a cheap all inclusive and as such we flew back on Xmas day and ate Burger King at the airport! We lied to the kids and pretended that Boxing Day was Xmas day. They were none the wiser. If your kids are older and no longer believe in Santa it shouldn't be a big deal.

I understand what your saying.
but, she’s old- there’s not going to be many more Christmas days you get with her, suck it up and know you’re doing the right thing for her.

Why won’t your parents take her to dinner with them? They’re so mean!

Just say this year you're not doing it. Be like the late queen: "never apologise, never explain". Just say you are not doing it and that's that. Don't bother to give a reason that will just sound bogus anyway. Just let all those involved you are not doing it and wait to see what alternative they come up with. Don't suggest one. Just let the others work it out. They have been free-riding on your good nature for too long.

From what I’m hearing, it doesn’t sound like the cooking of the meal is the issue, more of the disruption of your day. I wouldn’t offer again, even if your parents hint. If they get more chopsy about, I’d point out that you’ve more than taken your turn having done it for the last few years, so it’s time another family member takes their turn.

Tell your parents it's their turn to set her dinner out this year
It's not fair that they put this on you

Can you make up the plate and tell the rest of the family someone is going to have to pop by on their way to Grans and collect from you?

I get it I get landed every year and although I don’t mind it would just be nice one year to stay in one place with my family or even go out ourselves!

You’ll be buying the ingredients and cooking the dinner so ask the other family who’ll be taking the dinner to the Grandmother? If no one volunteers ask who will pay for a taxi to deliver it ? They could divide the cost between themselves as you’ve paid for the meal plus cooking it.