To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

They always come crawling out of the woodwork, don't they! 🙄

Some people on here are being really vicious. To me what jumps out is 'She could go for the meal with my parents but they didn’t ask her if she wanted to go. They just went and booked it for the two of them.'
What if you suggested they invite your gran out with them? What would they say?

That's appalling, sadly I can believe people do this but this isn't what the OP is saying at all.

Just say you don't know what you're doing yet for Christmas, as you may be visiting mil. Let someone else do it for a change. If at the last minute, no-one steps up, just drop her a plate off.

@BigChesterDraws you haven't read the Op's posts properly- she has no downstairs loo & her Gran can't manage the steep stairs plus a small dining room & enough room for just 4 to eat.

Love @kerstina Advice. Yes, buy her a lovely ready meal from m&s and drop it off christmas eve. Great idea.

@Tippexy I doubt it just takes her one hour. I imagine she goes in & spends time with her Gran too. She has young kids at home - her middle-aged parents are living the life of riley on their Christmas Day - drinking no doubt & doing whatever they fancy. Doesn't seem very fair to me!

You are 100% not being unreasonable. Even if it is not that much extra effort it is totally reasonable that you would just like to chill in the house, especially as there are others that could help. Maybe your parents could change their plans, eat out later. The sure you are doing it any way reasoning misses the point entirely. We have a precident in our family that means I have never cooked a Christmas dinner. I'd love to and for several years tried to help which caused bigger problems. I'm resigned to always working around but if you can sort it better for yourself- 100% go for it.

Must admit I've not RTFT... but why are OP's parents not taking their turn at providing a meal for gran by having her over or taking her out with them? Why is it left to OP? Issue seems to be the parents - gran's son, for God's sake. Has he just shirked all responsibility?

Your parents and aunt are the CFs in this scenario. Just tell them that although you love Gran it's just not possible for you to do this this year and they will need to make alternative arrangements, and you are not going to discuss it further.

If no one else is willing to provide her a meal, could you cook her a smaller one on Christmas Eve and take it over and leave in the fridge for her to warm up?
you could get a small ready to roast joint and cook some veg etc (more like a small Sunday roast) and you could leave her with the excess meat too for sandwiches etc.

I wouldn't punish your Gran just because you resent your parents.

Why not just see it as a good deed to her rather than something you're doing for your parents?

If I were you I'd enjoy a nice quiet hour in the car peace and quiet, or take the kids with you and get them to sing carols to you Gran when you drop the meal off. Especially if that's the only time you're seeing her that day.

OP has been doing Christmas lunch for her gran for years, now she feels it's somebody else's turn, particularly since the gran has two able-bodied daughters around. Why on earth is OP the default responsible carer? Anyone who think the OP is being unreasonable here in expecting someone else to step up for once needs to give their head a wobble.

@Zygon please note that although there are some unpleasant posts on your thread, the voting shows that over 70% think you are NOT being unreasonable.

If you're a decent person who would like others around them to be more decent, you get told to keep being decent. Of course it's going to breed resentment when one person is always the one to have to do something

In my family turns are taken to have elderly relatives so it's not one household every year cooking and doing pick ups and drop offs.

Yes she's your granny but I don't think it's weird to want a thank you from your parents. She is your dad's mum after all. Since your dad's children are grown then he should be taking more responsibility for his mother. They're incredibly selfish. It's time they had a turn. Wouldn't we all love to bugger off for a meal without a thought for anyone else.

Say no, it's somebody else's turn

Her children can feed her this year.

How ruddy delightful....

Maybe OPs brothers could also change their routine one year and help out their sister who is having mental health difficulties. On this site we bang on about women always being the ones left to care for elderly relatives - that'll never change if people keep expecting people like OP to be a doormat while her dad and brothers happily continue doing as they please.

To be honest, I think this falls under the category of "you'll get your reward in heaven".

It very much sounds like if you won't/can't do it - no one will. And yes, everyone else in your family is a shit. But you don't need to be. I'd suck this one up.
Could your DH do the plate delivery this year?

Tbh I do like to indulge in a Prosecco on Christmas and slob about in my loungewear so I I can see how having to not drink on one of my only days off and go out to drop the food off (and probably feel bad for dropping and running, is probably end up staying for a while) could get annoying , when you could just make an afternoon of visiting gran another day?

but I do also get the fact that it’s not hard to make another Xmas dinner and it’s not like it’s that hard to drop off

I do think it’s weird your mum doesn’t even say ‘you’re good for sorting Gran out with dinner’ . She isn’t exactly arsed is she so good job you are?!

I also think mumsnet has a weird atttitude to alcohol so I’ll probably be labelled an alcoholic 🤣🤣

I used to deliver my nan's Christmas meal every year right up until she sadly passed away and she lived a good half hour each way from us. I invited her every year but she was quite socially awkward and always declined as I had my in-laws round but I always enjoyed the run out to see her on Christmas day!
Having said this, if she had either of her daughters around and they didn't take a turn I would have been very annoyed however, she didn't so all good. Even on the occasion that we went to my in-laws for dinner my mum in law always did her a meal and invited her! I perfectly understand you and definitely don't think that you are being unreasonable, I think that you need to be firm with your parents and tell them that it should not always be down to you!

Your poor gran spends the day on her own? Could you not invite her over or she spend the day with your parents. This makes me sad

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christ alive 🤯

Could u say to your parents that you are very happy to make an extra plate. However this year has been difficult, so could they please take it over there.

Just say no. Can Gran not come to yours.?

Why can’t they take her out with them