To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

This is a very good suggestion. It's pointless trying to get fundamentally selfish people to step up and your kindness has obviously been taken for granted by your other relatives. Arrange something that suits you.

If she has visitors on the day, couldn't one of them reheat the meal for her?

So many judgemental people on here. OP has said her MH is not good. She should not feel guilt tripped into helping anyone, regardless of whether or not they are related.
There are other family members. Time for them to take up the baton for a bit.
OP is being made to feel as though it is her duty. Unfairly so. Her parents could quite easily fix something up but have chosen not to.

I think it’s disgraceful that your parents don’t include their mum /mil

whether to go out for a meal or go to theirs

I get the toilet problem but sure if a neighbour had a downstairs loo that they wouldn’t mind it being used

or rent a loo outside as if having building work done

yes very selfish of rest of your family. If they are visiting her anyway can’t they take a plated meal to her

I had a slightly similar situation years ago with an elderly cousin who was a bit scruffy and smelly but we invited him to our house on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, otherwise he would have been on his own, he really enjoyed his meals and took plates of food home! However one year we were going to be away for Christmas and suggested that my brother and his wife invite him for once for at least one day but they wouldn't have him. When he died shortly after my brother was very keen to find what he was getting in the will though!

Well peri and a SEN DC are at least a better excuse than just being a selfish individual who wants a restaurant meal and someone else to look after his own DM.

Did he get anything?

This doesn’t feel like it’s about your nan and it feels like you’ve maybe lost sight of that. You’re angry with the attitude of your parents - their lack of gratitude and their unfair assumption that you will continue to do as you have done before without anyone ever asking if that’s okay. But that isn’t your Nan’s fault and it feels like you would be punishing your Nan in order to try to punish the rest of your family. Your Christmas Day is disrupted every year and you get no thanks or recognition. It appears to me that you need to work out if it’s the travelling to your Nan’s that’s a problem or or it’s the lack of recognition. If it’s the travelling then you need to work alternative arrangements with your family. If it’s the recognition, then that feels like it’s more than just a Christmas thing. Hope you get it sorted.

I think a lot of people are missing the point. Obviously op loves her gran and has been doing this for years, the point is she has 2 daughters who are not coming across as very caring.
I too would give my all to have my gran for one last christmas. I had a better relationship with her than my mother as I did more with her as I got older than both my mum and her sister.
It's a tough situation to be in as you don't want to seem uncaring but where do you draw the line and let somebody else help?
Sorry it's not brilliant advice from me but I 100% understand what you're going through.

It’s lovely that you have been stepping up and doing this for your gran all this time but if you really are not up to it could you buy her a lovely ready meal for Christmas Day ? Your parents do sound a bit selfish . I cherish the Christmas days I had with my parents and grandparents and mom is in a home with severe dementia but I would still like her for Christmas lunch and she wants to be with us too .

I am astounded by people telling you what you should do , when it’s not them doing it.

I would buy a lovely premade Christmas dinner from marks and spencer or Wiltshire foods that the carers can heat up in the microwave and stay put on Christmas Day. It’s just not fair on you & your family. No one else seems to have the consideration for her. Perhaps do a visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Give yourself a deserving year off.

They give you "hints" about your gran's christmas lunch. Well, I would answer loud and clear : I will cook for gran, but am unable to take her meal to her. I will prepare and wrap it, who of you will come to collect it and take it to gran? Stick to your statement that the delivery will not be done by you, insist on nearing who'll come do pick-up. Eventually propose to take turns for cooking and bringing in the next years.

I think its extremely mean of your parents not to take gran to lunch with them!

I realise I’ve just told you what to do too, but I get the impression you are very caring and find saying no difficult. I would like offer support to you in doing things differently this year.

Time for your gran's daughters to pull their weight. Ignore people who tell you otherwise, OP - you've gone above and beyond and it's their job, not yours.

Will you be visiting your gran at any point on Christmas day? Would it be possible to freeze a portion of one of your Sunday roasts in the run up to Christmas then you don't need to wait till Christmas lunch is ready? You and the children could go to your grans in the morning while husband cooks. Might take the pressure off time wise and I am sure your gran enjoys the visit more than the food so chicken or ham rather than turkey won't be an issue- just explain.
Your parents sound a bit crap but don't let that stop you being a good grandchild. Your also showing your children how to act, what family Christmas is about.

Would this seriously be an outcome your happy with? Carers warming up a microwave meal when she has family half an hour away? Sitting on her own on Christmas day?

Sometimes I think I live on a different planet to some of Mumsnet. Family means showing up for each other even if it's not easy. Not aiming this at the op but you see so many posts complaining family arnt supportive but then not being willing to help out themselves. It's give and take and I pray my children/ grandchildren will make an effort when I am old.

Imagine being old and not wanted by anyone

Some people bring it on themselves by being unpleasant or a pain in the arse to be around.

What does your gran actually want to do on the 25th, @Zygon . I bet she loves her meal being dropped off but might actually like her own company. Some of us do.

I'd be contacting the family for someone else to either drop off the food or ask your gran if she wants to eat with them. I imagine being begrudgingly taken out by other family members might not be too much fun for her either.

Do take care of yourself though xx

Hamper, pre-done microwaveable meal like wiltshire farm food - or precook and take over anything to make it easier for you on the day but make sure either other family really are popping in to see her on the day or do pop over yourself but do it earlier or later in the day at a better time for you.

I think you are annoyed with your parents taking you for granted but that's separate to your GM - but looking for ways to make the day easier on you isn't a terrible idea.

I would never grudge my grandma a single thing. I would also go to the ends of the earth so she didn’t spent Christmas alone, or eat her dinner alone.

I just don’t get the mentality of having to be thanked for it by your parents, who sound incredibly selfish by the way. Surely the kindness of doing it is it’s own reward?

Why don’t take the whole Christmas meal and your family to your gran’s and have it there if she’s unable to be in your house?

Sitting on her own on Christmas day?

Gran has people visiting her all day at different times, just no one brings her a meal

What do you think your gran has been doing all her life? She’s been a child, a teenager, a mother, a wife, a mother of small children, just like you. Aren’t your family grateful for her years of love, work and sacrifice or are they long forgotten. How’s HER mental health on Christmas Day? 🤔

Imagine your children and their children feeling this way about you in 40 years, after everything you do for them and all the love you feel for them.

No, you shouldn’t have to do this every year. How nice for your parents going out each year and leaving you to do the work!
Id suggest see your Gran Xmas Eve, take her a nice gift and let someone else provide lunch for once.

Why can't they take your Gran along with them when they eat out?

This shouldn’t just fall on your shoulders OP. I don’t think you are being unreasonable!