To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Did I read it that you don’t even do the cooking and it’s your husband who is? You are simply getting in the car and delivering Gran her food?

Unless she lives three hundred miles away then why be so mean as to begrudge her the food?

I'm with those saying "poor nan". Yes, she may have lots of family but no wants the "burden" of providing her with a Christmas dinner. Yes, the OP absolutely shouldn't be the one to keep having to do it but there are enough people letting nan down as it is. Try and see it from nan's point of view, I am sure she can sense the fact that she is considered to be a burden and that must be painful.

Be the bigger person OP, try and put everyone else out of your mind and think of how much you love your nan and how you want her to know that.

Yes, the others should be doing this too but they're not (shame on them), don't join them on the low bar they have set. When your nan is gone you will be glad you were the one who stepped up and showed her how much she was/is loved.

agree! some posters are clearly wanting a scrap today.

OP tell your parents that you won't be providing a meal on xmas day this year for Gran as you are feeling the strain. The ball will fall in their court to deal with for a change. and do not feel guilty!

Couldn’t you take your kids with you when you pop over to your Grans? Rather than see it as a chore to take the dinner, use it a family visit, I’m sure that’s more important to her than the actual dinner.

@Zygon why don’t you plate it up and let your parents know that they’ll need take it to your gran?

I totally understand where you are coming from and agree with another post about this being the straw that breaks the camel's back!
I'm peri-menopausal too, and like you, feel totally exhausted and just doing the mundane day to day things for your own family is quite enough (even that feels a struggle!) so anything on top of that is daunting!
I also understand how you feel about always being the one to cook for your Gran, when the rest of the family put their own needs first and are quite happy to allow you to continue.
You are quite entitled to not want to go out on Christmas day, you have a family of your own and especially with a SEN child.
Yes, your Gran is family but you are not her only family and it's unfair that it's become expected of you.
I would address the hints straight on. Are your parents aware that you have been struggling mentally? I would just tell then that you won't be delivering a meal this year but are happy to plate one up that another family member can collect and deliver when they go to visit.
How far do you have to travel to your Gran's?
I would also suggest to your parents - ability permitting on your Gran's part, that they perhaps take her out for lunch with her. Sorry to be blunt but she isn't going to be here forever and it would be a nice treat for her for one of her children to take her out!
It seems your parents like to do what they want for Christmas without a thought for others, but when you want to try and do something for yourself and your immediate family, then it's frowned upon which isn't fair.
Stick to your guns, it doesn't mean you love your Gran any less but when it comes to mental health and you are struggling to cope, you have to start to put yourself first. It will also help to show your children that it is ok to say No if you are struggling.
Good luck x

I would give anything to be able to cook and deliver Christmas dinner to my grandparents, who have sadly all passed away . I have worked and volunteered with the elderly over the years and Christmas can be a lonely time for them. They often feel like a burden and don't want to put people out but they won't be around for ever so I believe we should be looking after them . If you don't want to deliver dinner every year then have a family meeting and agree to do it between you all.

Could you all go over to your gran’s (if there’s room) and cook at her house and spend the day altogether?

I understand she can’t go to your’s due to toilet access, but I do think your parents are being quite mean, not taking her out with them for Christmas lunch ever!

Do it for her, not for them.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But have you ever broke the tradition to see what someone else would do if you weren’t there? I would say you fancy a little wine this year so driving isn’t an option for you. But you’re happy to cook some extra food for someone to pick it up? I think that’s more than reasonable !

Unless you can all come up with a satisfactory solution, you should just keep doing this small act of kindness for your gran.

I understand your resentment over being the one that steps up, but none of this is your gran's fault. Don't let petty spite take over.

Agree.

And the lack of toilet facilities at OPs is a barrier to having her over. Hiring a commode? Where would you even put that in a small flat if she can't get upstairs to the actual bathroom - in the sitting room? in the kitchen?

All of the OP's relatives, the parents, and the brothers take themselves off and treat themselves to a pub /restaurant lunch, without a thought for either Gran or OP. OP has said there's no barrier to them inviting Gran along. But they just never ask her.

She's clearly been looking after her Gran, and I don't think this reads as her not loving her Gran enough, it's more that the rest of the family are leaving it all up to OP every time, but it's a family, and they should share this and OP shouldn't even have to ask them. OP's family sound selfish towards both her and her Gran.

OP someone further up the thread said it was a case of you being more assertive with your family, I think there's probably some truth in this.

have only read OPs comments.
So the only one of your gran's other relatives you're remotely close with is your dad?
And you wait for everyone to offer but they don't so you do it?
But you also haven't ever asked anyone to do it so they assume you're fine with it?

As with so many things on here it's down to communication. Tell your dad it is someone else's turn. Or tell your dad they can pay for a taxi to come to yours, and deliver a plate to your gran? or that they should take your gran out? or that he should tell another family member to step up because you can't do it this year (no reasoning and no excuses. just say you are not doing it)

etc etc

I would be tempted to find out where they are going to eat and what time, change the booking to three, drop Gran at the restaurant and leave them to take her home... but I'm being facetious; OP, I'm sorry your getting flak, your parents are CF's. 💐

I’m sensing this isn’t about whether you include your gran, it’s about them taking the piss.

Can your gran go out with them?

I think you’ll feel bad if you leave her without dinner (even though you’re feeling overwhelmed) and if she’s grateful that’s all matters. But it needs to be on your terms, not theirs.

I hope it all works out.

Yeah, this would be the bit that pissed me off to be fair! the cooking extra isn't a huge ask, but I don't think this is a bit much when you have your husband and children at home.

Could you say to your parents, that you will plate her up a lunch and they will have to drop it off to her? or suggest they treat her to lunch out with them. I think that everyone should chip in, there are other people around who can help but choosing not to, shouldn't be down to the same person every year.

Can you cook it and they pick up the food and take it to her?

So if you don't cook your parents,her son will have to sort it and maybe for once spend Christmas with his mother.So gran will be ok.
Make a New Years Resolution not to put yourself at the bottom of your list of priorities in future and let others pull some of the weight.

I'm so sorry you've been taken advantage of by your brothers and parents, they ought to be pitching in with this too.

That said, I think the most important thing to consider is: do you want to go and visit your gran on Christmas Day? Or if it were up to you, would you skip the visit and go on another day?

If you feel like you'd want to drop by on Christmas after all, then taking a portion of food with you isn't that much trouble. It would be nice if your parents showed some appreciation, but maybe they think you definitely want to visit Gran that day anyhow and it's therefore no extra trouble for you.

If the answer is that you really want to spend all of Christmas Day at home and go visit Gran on Boxing Day or the day before Christmas, then tell your parents that. Just say you are staying home on Christmas Day this year and that they have the option of picking up a portion of food from yours if they choose to do that.

I can see/hear how much you enjoyed this but honestly that sounds like a nightmare to me. Not everyone enjoys having no space or privacy. Some relatives houses are not comfortable or even outright unhygienic/dangerous.

Not all families are the same. Not all families are happy loving places to be.

Confused by this post. Why would your parents thank you...it would be Gran right? Are you doing it for thanks or because you love granny? I'm not sure why you would even threaten not to cook for granny, why are punishing her? And finally....is your gran not invited to anyone's Xmas dinner and left alone every Xmas?!

I get where you're coming from - it's not fair that you're the only one that bothers for your nan and you'd like someone else to take a turn.

With Christmas everyone seems to get so caught up in themselves and tradition and making things perfect for themselves they often forget that not everyone is happy with the arrangements! 'oh she always cooks nans dinner so that's ok'.

I don't blame you for wanting a year off from the obligation.

If it were my family I'd get in there and say " I know I've done it the last few years but sorry, what with everything going on at the moment I'd really like be able to spend the whole morning at home with the kids this year so won't be able to pop over to Nan's until the evening this year. Can someone else take a turn and make sure she has a nice dinner this year please"

@Zygon I'm currently in a position of always cooking the Xmas Dinner for my EX fil...he has family in town, he has adult children but they don't invite him anywhere. He's not coming this year. I'll have to Co.e up with an excuse but it's time he went to his actual family and I spend the day with my ds. The whole day involves me tidying up, setting a table, picking him up and dropping him off and entertaining him for the day. It's exhausting tbh.
I previously got myself into cooking an extra Sunday lunch for a neighbour who expected it at 1pm...it got to the point where it was costing me money and time and she became very demanding as to what was on the plate.

Be strong and ignore everyone else as well. Let someone else do it for a change!

How far away is she? If you're not out of the house that long then it doesn't really matter does it?

Per menopause and SEN child are odd reasons to not do this?

If you really can't be arsed then you need to flag it ASAP so that your family can work out who will do it instead?

Plate up a meal for your gran, then tell your parents to pick it up and deliver it to her, either before or after their meal out. That way you and your partner need not leave the house.