To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Tell them you're not doing it and don't feel guilty. You're dad can sort his mum out. Maybe they can take her out for dinner.

Your parents can take your Gran out with them for their Christmas dinner. There. Sorted.

It’s not about being horrible.

OP’s dad hints to OP that he’d like her to take dinner to his mum. So why are you assuming that if OP tells her dad that someone else needs to do it this year that this means her gran won’t get a meal?

It will just force someone else to have a turn.

Op did I miss the post why you explained why you .your dh and dc can't all eat dinner at her house? Or are you still thinking of any excuse for that.

Yes you did, gran lives in a tiny bungalow that won’t fit her family in. HTH.

Okay, I haven’t read all the posts, but have read the OP’s ones. Gran is her dad’s mum, but strangely her Gran has 2 children, both of them daughters “My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will”!!

Maybe OP’s just trying to change a few details, but why does her Gran’s other daughter not come into the equation?? It seems like the other (or only?) daughter, should be just as responsible as the OP and her parents, for feeding Gran at Christmas. In fact as the OP’s side of the family (really the OP solely) has provided Christmas lunch for last few years, maybe it’s Grans actual daughter’s (and/or her family) turn to take on that responsibility?

The OP says about her parents “Maybe because if I didn’t cook for my gran they’d be left with no choice but to cook for her which would then mean they couldn’t go about their day as they wish to,” and ”if I didn’t cook my parents would then have to sort something themselves and plainly change their plans. Me cooking for my Gran means my parents are free to do as they please.”
I hate to break it to the OP, but her parents wouldn’t HAVE to cook for Gran. OP seems to think that it’s solely her or her parents who have the responsibility to Gran, but there is her siblings, her Aunt (and Uncle?) and cousins too. Failing that, I would expect that there is something arranged in the local area, catering Christmas lunch for those who live alone

Gran “sees all of the family staggered throughout the day.” So everyone visits Gran (the cynical me thinks, maybe to get their Christmas pressies or money?) but no one else is bothered whether she starves or not. It looks like OP doesn’t actually spend time with her Gran at Christmas, as she just drives there and back (once dinner is cooked) so that she can get her own lunch before it spoils.

Why doesn’t OP just have her Christmas lunch at home, plating up some lovely food, then go over to Gran with her family and heat it up, while spending some quality time with her? I’m sure Gran would appreciate this more than a flying visit!

I really hope it works out for you OP, you have been so kind to your dear Gran and I bet she is really grateful for what you do for her. 💐

There are 41 days until Christmas. Someone else can bring a Christmas Day meal to Gran’s house, whether or not it’s prepared at OP’s house. Being taken out by a stranger to a frantic and crowded community meal with lots of strangers would be far more difficult on Gran than staying in and enjoying short visits from relatives.

They are a family of 4. We are being asked to believe that 5 people can't possibly fit in a bungalow for one meal.

🤦🏾‍♀️ Mumsnet and the freaking inheritance. WTF is wrong with people!

Here here.

Just wondering if OP’s gran likes to go to family at Christmas? Does she like to go out at all. So many assumptions on this thread. One of the things I’ve noticed about getting older is the way you lack control over what you are able to do. Dgran knows her home, she doesn’t know restaurants and because of the toilet situation isn’t likely to know Op’s home well.

How about letting Dgran decide how she wants to spend her time. Not everyone likes people and not everyone cares to spend time with people who only turn up on high holidays. She can’t use her own oven, she can’t use stairs, give her a little control and Op’s family may be able to accommodate that.

I feel sorry for the gran. This is surely everyone’s worst fear about growing old. That you’ll be thought of as a hinderance and a chore by your family on special occasions like Christmas.
If you care about her, plating up a meal (that you haven’t cooked) and taking an hour out of the day to see her isn’t such a big deal. Do it after dinner while your husband is clearing up. If you have to compromise, compromise the time so it’s more convenient to you. Tell her you’ll be there at tea time instead.

Hmmm.. I also wonder if Gran sees various relatives staggered through the day, how come no one can bring her a plate from OPs house.
OP was also advised that her parents can bring Gran takeaway from the restaurant they'd be dining in, but OP (from what I've read) did not comment on that. I'm sure if she did, she'd find another reason as to why that isn't possible.
And yes, it seems all about the food, not spending time with Gran. Might as well leave it to her paid carers to sort it as they would on a normal day. If you want to do something nice for her, actually include her in your Xmas.

Maybe people are offering and grants saying "it's ok my wonderful grandaughter looks after me". My nana was the same. My mum would offer and she'd tell her I sort it (not lunch but various other things). We used to laugh because anyone could do it but she liked me to do it or she thought I'd be put out maybe.

The reason they can't eat at Dgrans house is because it's not big enough.

I feel so sorry for Gran. If no one's going to make her a Christmas lunch, if she's near me I'll take one to her.

Sorry but I think your dad is a horrible man not to invite his mother to Christmas dinner with him. So is his sister.

Everyone is unreasonable here. Your parents for not taking gran with them for a lovely meal, and you because you forget that you are doing this for your gran not your parents.... who sound like arses. I would hate to think that one day I will be the gran that people are bitching and moaning about having to sort out on Christmas day as a burden on everyone's fun... One day you will be OP....

Yanbu

You clearly love her.

I understand where you are coming from.

If it was your own mother then fine but your parents are still around and very capable they should be the ones looking after her.

You have young children at home to make memories with just as your siblings do! (They are also selfish for leaving it up to you every year)

Your parents should be doing this not you.
They could of taken her with them for the meal.

I thought this too there's a lot of barriers coming up when suggestions are being given....

I would be honest with your parents, tell them that you are struggling this year so they will have to sort dinner for your gran and you have the Christmas that you want for a change. I don’t see the problem with that. Maybe you could do it again next year, I complete get it Peri menopause is horrendous.

So nanny is in good health for her age but can't get up your stairs.... There's still a few weeks to go till Xmas tell your parents they need to add her onto their table for dinner you're spending your Xmas with your family. You haven't asked yet as you think you know what the answer would be but that's just it you haven't asked... Make a WhatsApp group and ask to share the load. I feel so so sorry for your nan I hope so much that when I have my own grandchildren I won't be a burden like this..

I get what your saying that it is more than than just chucking in a few more roasties.

tell your family now that you have other plans and won’t be able to do dinner. You don’t say how far it is but you are also taking time out as presumably you stop and have a chat too.

your parents could buy her a dinner and take her with them or take over something the day before.

it sounds like your gran has two children so let them step up.

you can’t look after others if you can’t look after yourself.

tell family that this year you are treating yourself to a boozy Buck’s Fizz for breakfast so won’t be driving anywhere.

if your parents can afford a meal out on Christmas Day then they can sort out their parent a meals on wheels

There’s a lot of dicks on this thread.

OP, sorry the rest of your family are useless wankers and have put this burden on you. There’s some great advice on here, I hope you manage to sort this all out. Your family and extended family are insanely selfish and anyone on here saying anything mean to you, the only person who has stepped up to support your gran and is now suffering with your health (peri menopausal over here and I feel you), is a tosser.