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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to do it this year

694 replies

Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:14

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

OP posts:
Milesty1 · 13/11/2022 18:56

Your parents are being cheeky! Either they need to get the restaurant to plate her one up and drop it off on their way home, or they pick it up from you and drop it off. I can’t believe the PPs making you feel guilty about this?!

Happyunhappy · 13/11/2022 18:57

Why not suggest to your parents that they take her out with them this year?

OldFan · 13/11/2022 18:59

@Zygon Does the actual cooking for one more make much odds? As in, are you cooking the stuff anyway? If so, maybe someone else can take it over to her?

Stayeduptoolateagain · 13/11/2022 19:00

You have lots on your shoulders op and it's not nice to feel taken advantage of by your parents. They may not realise how you feel. I would either ask them to collect it and drop it off or buy a posh M&S type Christmas dinner for one for gran to have on Christmas day and just explain to her all the pressure you're currently under, hence why you're making a slight change

PinkPanther50 · 13/11/2022 19:12

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 18:48

So not only do you want OP to keep doing what she’s doing, you want her do more?

Show quote history

OP seems to be the only family member who cares about Grans lunch, and it seems she resents the rushing over to Grans whilst her immediate family have to wait. Maybe there’s also a bit of guilt at dropping and running, so by shifting the time of Gran eating it could be a win. But then again it seems most people really don’t like to be put out for elderly family members on MN 🤔

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 19:21

Wow! The nastiness on this thread to someone that HAS stepped up is awful. What about all the rest of the family? It is their turn to step up and not continue putting on the OP and making her feel guilty.

Personally I would hate to have all our dinner ready and then drive FOR AN HOUR to take a meal when there are other people that could help.

I actually wouldn't want to leave my children at all and how would my Baileys for Breakfast Christmas rule work?

The OP wants one Christmas Day. Everyone is all about people's mental health unless there is an opportunity to pile in on a person who has done their bit. Nasty nasty nasty.

neighboursmustliveon · 13/11/2022 19:23

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 19:21

Wow! The nastiness on this thread to someone that HAS stepped up is awful. What about all the rest of the family? It is their turn to step up and not continue putting on the OP and making her feel guilty.

Personally I would hate to have all our dinner ready and then drive FOR AN HOUR to take a meal when there are other people that could help.

I actually wouldn't want to leave my children at all and how would my Baileys for Breakfast Christmas rule work?

The OP wants one Christmas Day. Everyone is all about people's mental health unless there is an opportunity to pile in on a person who has done their bit. Nasty nasty nasty.

Hello fellow baileys for breakfast friend 👍

UpsilonPi · 13/11/2022 19:23

What does gran want, could you ask her? If the meal means a lot to her I would keep doing it. If it doesn't, maybe you could arrange a visit to her another day as an extra Christmas occasion.
It's not up to you alone to ensure that gran gets a meal on Christmas day.
What does she do for the rest of the festive period?

Ilovesandwiches · 13/11/2022 19:25

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want people to help too, but it would be very unfair to leave your gran without a Christmas meal

amusedbush · 13/11/2022 19:30

Some people on here are unbelievable - no matter how much you do, it'll never be enough for them. I wonder if OP could fashion a hair shirt out of tinsel for the occasion?

It's not just a case of OP saying she doesn't want to take her granny a plate of food, it's that her granny has multiple children of her own who never offer, plus a stream of visitors who never take her food, AND OP has brothers who are never asked to do it by the same parents who hint at her year on year. She is expected by the entire family to drive an hour's round trip every Christmas and gets no appreciation or thanks. It reads to me that it's less about the actual task and more about the fact that it wouldn't occur to anyone else in the family to change their plans.

PottyDottyDotPot · 13/11/2022 19:34

Could you see if a local taxi company could take the meal to your Grans and your she pays for it?

fortheloveofcheesecake · 13/11/2022 19:35

Your parents sound very selfish. I would tell them that this year you will be making a meal for your gran as usual but that you expect another member of the family to collect and drop it off. You don't care who and you don't need to get involved with that part. Just tell them when it will be ready and ask them to get back to you with a collection time. Explain this all to your Gran so she knows you are struggling but are doing your best to ensure she gets her meal.
And make it clear to your parents that next christmas you expect things to change. Other family members can take it in turns to step up and help. You have done more than enough up till now.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/11/2022 19:36

I think you're getting a very hard time here @Zygon .

What I would do is to tell your Dad and Mum that while you don't mind plating up a dinner for your Gran on Christmas Day, you will not be dropping it off to her and one of them must collect it from yours before they go off for their restaurant meal and drop it off to Gran/their mum.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/11/2022 19:36

@fortheloveofcheesecake - great minds think alike 😆

berksandbeyond · 13/11/2022 19:37

This is really sad. I'd do anything to be able to plate up some dinner for my gran.

Don't be so selfish. You should be spending the day with her, never mind making her feel like a bloody inconvenience- sending the dinner in a taxi as PP suggested?! How tragic.

SexTrainGlue · 13/11/2022 19:38

amusedbush · 13/11/2022 19:30

Some people on here are unbelievable - no matter how much you do, it'll never be enough for them. I wonder if OP could fashion a hair shirt out of tinsel for the occasion?

It's not just a case of OP saying she doesn't want to take her granny a plate of food, it's that her granny has multiple children of her own who never offer, plus a stream of visitors who never take her food, AND OP has brothers who are never asked to do it by the same parents who hint at her year on year. She is expected by the entire family to drive an hour's round trip every Christmas and gets no appreciation or thanks. It reads to me that it's less about the actual task and more about the fact that it wouldn't occur to anyone else in the family to change their plans.

I think it's entirely reasonable, as there are several family members nearby and maybe calling in, to expect people to take turns.

So if you want to break the pattern, you need to be firm and keep saying it's someone else's turn this year.

And perhaps make plans to see her on Boxing Day instead

PottyDottyDotPot · 13/11/2022 19:39

Don't be so selfish. You should be spending the day with her, never mind making her feel like a bloody inconvenience- sending the dinner in a taxi as PP suggested?! How tragic
The Gran can’t host and the OP doesn’t have a downstairs toilet. The OP isn’t the Gran’d only relative, don’t make her feel bad for wanting a year off.

OoooohMatron · 13/11/2022 19:53

PottyDottyDotPot · 13/11/2022 19:34

Could you see if a local taxi company could take the meal to your Grans and your she pays for it?

What the fuck

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 20:04

berksandbeyond · 13/11/2022 19:37

This is really sad. I'd do anything to be able to plate up some dinner for my gran.

Don't be so selfish. You should be spending the day with her, never mind making her feel like a bloody inconvenience- sending the dinner in a taxi as PP suggested?! How tragic.

Why does OP have to step up every year because her useless dad is too selfish to think of others?

Or is it women who have to care for everyone’s wellbeing but their own?

OP saying no may force her dad to pull his finger out and spend time with his OWN mum.

Tarragon123 · 13/11/2022 20:06

GelatoQueen · 13/11/2022 15:47

I am on team@Zygon - OP I get it, I really do. Your good nature is being taking advantage of and you have spent countless years looking after Gran when no-one else seems to give a damn about Gran.

So don't do it, tell your Mum and Dad and siblings you aren't able to cook / deliver so other arrangements are going to have to be made. Do not make these other arrangements.

I find it extremely odd that lots of poster are having a go at you - usually the boards are full of - why do men not pull their weight, teach your boys to do their fair share, why should certain jobs be left to women - etc etc. And here is a perfect example of a man (OP's father) not caring a jot about his mother, and leaving all the woman's work to his daughter and the majority of posters thinking it is acceptable ... it isn't acceptable at ALL

Completely agree. OP also has 2 brothers and no one is expecting them to do anything.

OP - I really feel for you. The backlash you are getting is disgusting. I hope you decide to do something that gives you peace and that your health improves.

berksandbeyond · 13/11/2022 20:08

@HuggsBosom so because they're all horrible, she needs to be horrible too?
Poor Gran, hasn't had much luck with her family has she?

I think there might be a time you desperately miss plating her up a dinner and spending 10 minutes with her on Christmas Day. A lot of us will have empty seats around the table this year and would give anything to have this 'problem'.

treesandweeds · 13/11/2022 20:11

Why don't your parents take her out? Do they ever? Seems very mean

LumpyandBumps · 13/11/2022 20:15

As well as no good deed going unpunished, it seems that once you start you are not allowed to stop.

If it came to the direct choice between you taking her dinner and her not having one at all I am sure you would still step up.

That’s not the case though, and just because you have been the only one to put yourself out so far, it doesn’t mean you are the only one who can.

Apart from leaving my children on Christmas Day I would find leaving my Christmas meal to get cold, whilst rushing to get the meal to Gran so it’s still warm, hard to do. I doubt you throw the plate through the door and go, so you are away from your DC and your own meal for well over an hour.

How would your parents feel if at the very moment their restaurant meal was ready they had to leave it for an hour to deliver your Gran’s plate? How would they like to do that for 3- 4 consecutive years? That is what they are asking of you, and they wouldn’t have to leave young DC behind.

I am also sure that your Gran would appreciate a longer, less stressful, visit on another day if she already has lots of visitors on Christmas Day. I think others have made a sensible suggestion that you visit on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, because you clearly care for your Gran and enjoy her company.

crosstalk · 13/11/2022 20:19

@keeponandonandon I'm sorry but you really don't understand. And nor do other PPs talking about hiring commodes. Some women including myself have stress related incontinence which Tena pads don't deal with. The OPs grandma would have a half hour journey each way and no loo apart from the family loo up steep stairs. So that's at least 2 hours to hang on. And where would the commode go? I'm not peeing and pooing in a kitchen or lounge and I might be bloody freezing if it were outside (if there is an outside that's not overlooked).

I feel for the OP who already visits her grandmother it appears more than her grandmother's own son, daughter in law and daughter, and other grandchildren. When she has for some years stepped up and delivered a meal while her father just goes out for a meal with his wife not including his mother.

I agree that she should

  1. let the family know she won't be doing it this year and asking for solutions
  2. possibly investigating local groups who do Christmas meals for everyone on Christmas Day. I was part of one and could collect and drive.
  3. possibly getting something her GM would like that she didn't have to cook and seeing her early Christmas Eve with children, presents and cards.
PinkSyCo · 13/11/2022 20:25

Your poor gran being left on her own on Christmas Day. Honestly I could cry for her. Your parents and their sibling are utterly selfish not to invite her to their home or to eat out with them and I would be telling them so. If I was unable to shame them into doing the right thing I would go nc with the nasty bastards and continue doing it myself because I couldn’t live with myself otherwise.