To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Why not deliver her meal at dinner time? You finish cooking 1ish. Enjoy the afternoon. Then 6pm you pop out and give her the food. Shes going to reheat it anyway.

I wonder if you can read- OP said Nan can't come because they dont have downstairs loo she needs access to and she does nor have mobility to climb the stairs.

Don’t enact a gripe you have with parents upon your granny

There are ways round this. A commode would be an obvious one.

YANBU to be annoyed that it's assumed you'll cook for granny, but I really don't understand why you need the thank you from your parents to do so?! If granny says thanks surely that's enough?

If you don't want to do it this year then fine, but give plenty of notice for the rest of the to step up. Why doesn't she go out for lunch with your parents?

cook the xmas dinner and tel your parents they'll need to collect it this year and take over to her

Bit much to buy a commode for one day of the year though surely?! And also you're assuming op has somewhere private to put it.

Why doesn’t the gran’s son bother- it’s his mother!!!!!

Do what’s right for you OP. But think about whether it’s about you or you cross with parents? If your DP does the cooking it’s not really a huge deal? What if you just plated something else up for her? Are you sure you can’t squeeze her into your house?

@Zygon I feel for you and I am horrified about some of the judgemental comments on here directed in your direction. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I've been there ( only it was with my Mum, who passed this summer aged 93) and it's really hard and impossible not to feel resentful about other family members who professed to 'care' very much about her but weren't prepared to give up even ONE Christmas Day of being completely free to do their own thing. They did spend some time with her around that time - but never Christmas Day itself ( apart from 2 years when everyone went to a hotel for a few nights, because it suited them).

Last Year, like you, I was stressed beyond all belief by many things: My children are long grown up, so we took my Mum out on Christmas Day: She had a lovely time and was happy - although my OH and I were not impressed with the meal, or the surroundings and it was pretty grim as far as we were concerned - but what I didn't tell her was that we had actually decided to have our own 'Christmas Day' on Boxing Day including opening our presents, having a bucks fizz for breakfast etc. I couldn't have coped if we had tried to do both on the same day, but she never knew and I was able to cope because I still had the next day to look forward to. So glad we did that as it was her last Christmas as it turned out

Now you have children, so that won't work for you, but as one or two others have suggested, could you take her over a cooked Dinner on Christmas Eve? Or see her on boxing day with lots of leftovers to reheat? Are you sure she has lots of visitors on Christmas Day? She is going to miss seeing you for one?

My experience is that you won't change the mindset of the other family members if you put your foot down and say you aren't doing it/taking the food plate over. I remember many years ago asking if one of my Sisters would take Mum for Christmas Day and being told 'I'm not having her spoiling my Christmas Day'. Yes my Mum was a difficult lady, but the difference was that I simply could not and would not leave my Mother on her own on Christmas Day - I couldn't see anyone on their own on Christmas Day: Others are much more selfish.

So my advice is, do some kind of compromise this year - and next year tell everyone in January or February that you will NOT be providing the Dinner/taking it over to your Gran or both. Make sure they understand that you are serious and make sure your Gran knows that you won't be doing it next year. That gives people plenty of time to think about it. We did that one year, not so long ago. I just said we wanted to spend a Christmas on our own 'next year' and we would be going away so folk would have to consider arrangements. Maybe just tell your parents that for next year?

Stop being a wet blanket then, tell them you can't do it this year or in the future

Tell them now

It’s not as simple as “oh just hire a commode”. Maybe her gran wouldn’t want to use one, especially in someone’s else’s house that has to be cleaned out etc. My great aunt had to use one at home due to poor mobility and found the whole experience (carers emptying and cleaning it) humiliating, more so when it was family members doing it.

I fully understand the OP wanting to have a break this year. It’s not just about the logistics of driving to her gran’s house and back again she feels that she doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with it and wants a rest this year.
She needs to pick up the phone and tell her parents they need to make alternate arrangements for her gran this year.

YANBU at all, OP. Tell your dad now that you will be staying at home all day this year. Therefore won't be dropping Gran's dinner over.

Tell them they have to come and collect it for her or take her out for a change

I've read nearly whole thread but not all...
Just thinking ther may be a reason why op's gran's actual kids won't factor her in to their Xmas plans.

There may be something she did/didn't do when they were growing up op for them not to do this, and they've been keeping this from you to protect you.

That wd explain why they don't say thanks.
You're a convenient way out of a potentially tricky situation.

Well, if everyone is so reluctant to give your dear grandmother a bit of Christmas Jolly Good Cheer - does she know she can order a ''Xmas Ready Meal for One'' from most of the larger supermarkets and have it delivered 23/12/22?
She will probably be happy to do that so as not to put anyone out while also wondering just how many more Christmases she will need to do it -2 or 3 maybe?

This would have been almost funny if it had been aimed at OPs parents and not OP

Ask your parents to bring Gran to your house for lunch, after all it is Christmas, the season of goodwill to all.

It's horrible isn't it. Some people just have zero family values any more. As long as their own 'little family' is OK, then sod everyone else.

I would ask Gran if she would like to eat nearer 5pm. That way you could plate it up, then eat yours, watch the Kings speech etc then take your Gran hers and sit and spend some time with her whilst she eats. It seems a shame that you drop a plate then run

YANBU OP.

You’ve done your bit, it’s not the turn of all these other people who visit nan to take her some food.

I do think you should tell your parents that you’re not leaving the house at all on Xmas Day because it’s unsettling for the kids.

If you are feeling very generous, you can offer to prepare a plate for nan and your parents can come and pick it up.

But I really think you should let someone else take a turn.

Along with pp, this is surely putting your own interpretation, taking from your own situation on the OP. This is one thing, but then drawing a conclusion that the OP is therefore in the wrong, and ‘bitter’ seems very unfair, since we don’t actually know the full circumstances.

So not only do you want OP to keep doing what she’s doing, you want her do more?

I wonder if this old woman will leave any inheritance and how much interest she'll be shown then