To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

For those horrified about the thought of a commode - how do you think many disabled people manage?
A lot of people have commodes in their homes - usually there’s somewhere to tuck it away.

Its for one day.
The Red Cross rent them out for pennies.

Could you cook a meal on Christmas eve and deliver it then? Or could you all go round for a while on Christmas Day?

Be the bigger person, have your Gran overto yours for Christmas. It could be you sat there alone one day wishing a relative cared enough to spend time with you.

Poor gran. There are loads of relatives around but no one actually wants to make sure she's ok and has a decent Christmas. Just a chore to all of them.

@Hintofreality - the OP has already said that this isn’t possible, because her gran couldn’t manage the stairs at her house, to go to the loo, plus they really don’t have the space.

It's not ideal OP but it probably means a lot to her, there is no way I wouldn't do it in your position. Your parents sound so selfish, just be the better person .

Agree. Where there's a will there's a way.

Once a GP gets over about 80/starts being a bit "too" old/infirm, people stop wanting to know.

That's what I've noticed about the place. eg their kids are busy doing the whole granny and grandad thing and can't be bothered that great granny is still around.

I've only read your posts @Zygon, not the full thread.

"My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?"

Don't wait for them to drop hints this year. Phone them up especially to talk to them about Christmas.

'Just to let you know, you'll have to sort your mother's Christmas meal out yourself this year. I won't be leaving the house on Christmas Day this year, I've decided. So you'll have to either take her out to the restaurant with you, or make other arrangements. I'm telling you now so that you've got plenty of time to see to it.'

Phone them today. Strike whilst the iron is hot.

This.

You are not being unreasonable.

Why can't the DPs take gran out with them for a meal?

Well indeed, if that were the case.

But if you'd read the thread you'd know that the OP's Nan has people dropping in all through the day. When it isn't Christmas Day, the OP is doing things for her Nan, taking her to appointments, sitting with her and talking to her etc.

So very much a completely different situation to the one you just invented in order to have a go at someone being taken advantage of by her parents, one of whom is Nans offspring, without a single word of thanks from them.

It's nothing to do with her being a woman and everything to do with the fact that her husband is making the dinner already so plating up one extra meal shouldn't be an issue for someone you supposedly love.

She's been given lots of options as to how to get the meal to her grandmother - telling her dad, brothers, aunt or cousins to deliver it or using a taxi etc. All suggestions have been dismissed despite knowing that making the dinner isn't an option for the others as they are going out for meals.

It's a very sad and sorry state of affairs and the fact so many people agree that she should simply stop is awful IMHO.

From what the OP has said so far, there's nothing to suggest that gran ever uses a commode.

If she's perfectly capable of using a toilet where there is an accessible one available, forcing her to use a commode for the day will be a massive blow to her sense of dignity. It would be a very different situation if she was accustomed to using them usually.

Given she seems to live on her own at a grand old age, I'd imagine she's quite independent, despite needing people to come round and help with certain tasks. There's no way I would tell a proud lady like that to start using a commode as the price for getting fed on Christmas Day.

Either someone (not the OP) needs to entertain her in her own home, or they need to take her somewhere with accessible facilities (I'd imagine the OP's parents are going somewhere with a toilet on the ground floor or if not, they could easily change the venue).

Poor you @Zygon your parents are being thoroughly selfish & thoughtless. Can you just tell them you just can't do it this year and they have to sort it out?

I think doing a meal for one and delivering it on Christmas Eve would be the solution. It will cost more as you'll have to buy an individual turkey breast, but you will be able to relax then and be up with the kids at 4 am Christmas Day:)

My aunt is 85 and lives alone like me, I live 350 miles away. Many years ago a neighbour a few doors down invited her to Christmas lunch about this time of year, then became very vague and elusive. My aunt did buy herself something for lunch just in case - and lucky she did as the invite wasn't confirmed. The neighbour never apologised. I was upset for her when she told me, but assume Christmas stress got to the neighbour and she couldn't cope with the houseful she already had. There are a lot of people alone on Christmas day who can't be bothered to cook, being given a plate of gorgeous food is a complete treat.

Could you find out who else visits your nan on Xmas day and coordinate the lunch delivery with them? you could take turns from now on. You say your nan gets many visitors, a rota should be easy to arrange.

Why can't your parents just take her out with them for a meal? Just say you're not doing it this year.

While I agree with the first part of your post @TightPants Not everyone has room to put a 'temporary' commode though which is sufficiently private. I know my house doesn't - apart from somewhere UPSTAIRS which clearly the Gran in question can't manage, according to what the OP said.

What a horrible family. Your poor gran.

I've done Christmas for my mum on my own for the last 4 years, prior to that I had to drive her to a family members house over an hour away and back for the preceding 3 or4 years. Never had an opportunity to just kick back and have a glass of wine myself.

I have 4 siblings. One sibling lives locally but his partner is all about his family so we don't get a look in and my mum isnt keen on his partner anyway. I have another sibling hundreds of miles away and another who is an hour away but they have to entertain their in laws. Another sibling is always away in a foreign country for Christmas and cuases all sorts of issues when theyre here during the year so it would cause more angst.

After last Christmas I made it clear I was just not doing it on my own again, that I wasn't my mums only relative and that someone else had to pitch up. I told them in January so they had plenty of warning . I said I didn't care if covid 9999 arrived I simply wasn't doing it again on my own. I was entitled to a relaxed Christmas like all of them.

I'm not doing it on my own. Just be firm.

I think that the xmas eve visit plan is probably the easiest without having a family row.

I don't know if its helpful but what I would do in your place is prep for some of my x-mas dinner on x-mas eve. Eg you could make some nice red cabbage; cook sprouts and chestnuts; make and cook the stuffing and pigs in blankets. I'd pop nan's portion into tupperwear.

Then I'd cook her a piece of turkey and put it in gravy into another tupperwear. Take the tupperwears with you on xmas eve and then she microwaves on xmas day.

Although its still a fair bit of work, it frees up your xmas day and also gives your partner a chance to relax a bit more if some of the cooking is already done.

So you make a whole thing of cooking in the first post and and then say your husband is the one who actually does the cooking?

you say you do the prep, could you not do it together the evening before so you’re not too tired on xmas day to drop a plate off for your poor gran?

i get you have a lot of stresses going on and that’s understandable, but to take your resentment of parents out on your gran is not fair either.

Wow, this is such a weird thread. The OP has been doing a lovely caring things for a few years now, but would like to not be the only person who ever makes sure her Gran has a nice meal at Xmas. Why is this up to the OP and not the Gran's actual child?? OP's parents need to make some kind of effort here and either take Gran out with them or get someone else (or themselves) to take the food round to Gran. OP, wanting to have Xmas without doing this yourself is in no way unreasonable - I'm a bit shocked at the amount of posters here who think you should always be doing this. Let the Gran's actually child step up, for goodness sake!

This!!