To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I feel sorry for Gran eating by herself on Christmas Day. However, it should be your Dad and Mum who make the arrangements for her. They are incredibly selfish going out for dinner by themselves. I also think that an hour out of your Christmas day, driving, is a lot, especially when you have your own children. How did this arrangement start? Did your parents ever host your granny?

OP, you’ve had a really hard time here and I don’t think you deserve it at all. It’s a massive pain in the arse to drive an hour on Christmas Day to drop a dinner off. Whether you love your nan more than anyone else in the world is irrelevant. The he guilt shouldn’t all be heaped on you.
I do feel really sorry for your gran, it seems like she’s an afterthought to everyone. But I think you’ve done your fair share. Why not book a pub lunch so everyone can go and she has company Christmas Day?
this year, if you decide not to drop her food off, don’t feel bad. Seemingly nobody else does!!

This.

I feel really sorry for Gran in this situation but op has done her fair share and it’s time for someone else to step up. Why on earth can’t any of these people going out for Christmas dinner book ab extra place and just pick her up on the way and take her with them?

I’d also be explaining to your dp’s that if you’re looking after poor Gran on their behalf you’ll likely be fed up by the time they need help and it will be left to the useless brothers to look after them.

Dear mum and dad

in previous years you haven’t invited us for a Christmas lunch nor made one for your own parents. This year there is a rota is place so I am next responsible for lunch in three years time when anyone else has done their turn. If you want to eat out take her with you.

ps I have done it x Times in the last x years and I have never been thanked by any of you - you just drop hints for the next year. You have nearly 6 weeks to sort it. Family is a word that involves everyone

WTH is this? Who writes to their parents with that sort of stuff.

It's basically "I don't like you telling me what to do but I'm telling you now"

OP I really understand where you are coming from. Could you speak to your Gran and say you were thinking that your Xmas day visit is such a rush and hectic and would she rather you all come round on Boxing Day with some food (Xmas dinner leftovers?) and be able to spend more time together without having to rush off.

Surely the quality time together is more valuable and meaningful than a warmed up dinner. She will have had 80+ Christmas dinners!

This is a great suggestion.

Tell your selfish parents that this year you will not be delivering a dinner to your Gran but are happy to put one up for her if one of her many other relatives want to pick it up and take it to her when they visit. Do it now so it’s crystal clear to your parents.

I agree it shouldnt be down to you to take, and if you don't want to go that's fine. However would it be better if you take it over for late afternoon and she has it as an evening meal? You could go with the kids to make it a family visit?

It doesn't sound like anyone actually eats Christmas dinner with gran?

The OP is kind enough to drop off some food, and other relatives visit her... but it reads as if she's on her own for her actual Christmas meal, which sounds a bit sad for an 86-year-old with so much family.

Can't another solution be found where she gets to spend her Christmas meal with people?

I completely understand why the OP can't have gran round at hers (the toilet issue is real!), and if gran lives on her own, she probably can't accommodate the OP, her OH and the kids. There's only so much squishing together of people you can do in a one-bed property. Possibly the other relatives have the same issue with too many people to cram in or don't live close enough for the logistics to work.

It sounds a lot like the OP's parents should be taking gran out, as if it's just the two of them to organise.

So... I understand why the OP is so frustrated. They are the most obvious solution and they don't seem to care.

OP, does your mum not get on with gran?

Your aunt doesn't offer to cook - does she normally eat a traditional Christmas dinner at home? If so, she might not offer, but could she be asked?

I think you need to insist another relative takes responsibility, and separately (they don't need to know this), you make arrangements to visit your gran for a proper chinwag on a less stressful day for you (Boxing Day? the day after?) so you are still spending time together.

Could your OH be the person who contacts the family to insist on another solution? He may be less likely to cave to pressure/emotional blackmail.

I think you misunderstood the vote. People aren’t saying that the Gran should be left alone without a meal, just that the existing arrangements are terrible.

I voted YANBU but personally would take her out for lunch (an elderly person eating alone on Christmas Day is just horrible, even if they are eating a meal cooked by a relative). This should really be the Gran’s own DC’s responsibility but I would step in as a grandchild if I needed to.

Can you and your family spend Christmas with your Gran? As you are cooking anyway, you would just be cooking in her kitchen instead of yours?

Most adults, even 86 year olds are likely to be capable of not needing to go to the loo every hour! Or I'm sure you could help her up the stairs, or get a commode just in case she is desperate! Mine at 87 didn't need to go to that often! I would do anything to be able to have my grandmother at Christmas again, unfortunately she passed away 2 years ago!

I also could not imagine expecting my mother to have thanked me for doing my grandmother a dinner. You sound pretty mean to be honest.

If you tell them now you're not doing it they might have time to add her to their Christmas lunch booking. The sooner you tell them the more options there will be for them to sort it.

Surely you'd be visiting your Gran on Christmas day anyway, like the other relatives are? So all you have to do extra is take a meal cooked by someone else (your DH) with you when you go for your visit. I can't see why this is a big deal. Have your dinner first, then take her dinner over, and warm it up whilst you have your time visiting with her. Or do/buy a separate dinner and visit her before you have your dinner, and take it over and heat it up there, whilst your DH finishes cooking the meal at home. You don't have to give her lunch at the exact time as you are trying to eat your meal at home. Take her meal over when you visit, rather than timing your visit to suit lunchtime, which is clearly not convenient for you. Or are you saying you resent visiting your elderly Gran on Christmas day and wouldn't bother to do so if you weren't dropping her lunch off? Because surely someone who loves their Gran would be visiting her on Christmas Day anyway, given she lives close to you and you know she will mostly be home alone. Sounds like all the other relatives make the effort to visit her throughout the day.

Then OP stand your ground and say no...
Don't have a conversation and leave way for your family to come back with any excuses.
Just say you feel it's only fair that someone else shares a turn this year.

From personal experience many a time it's always down to one person that will be put upon, made to feel guilty if they don't do it...
Just remember people will never remember the many things you say yes to and do for them just the odd thing that you don't/can't.
Clearly your nan's children don't feel any obligation or guilt so try not to feel guilty yourself and enjoy a Christmas day with your immediate family.

Oh your poor gran. All this family members popping in but not one of them can invite her over for Christmas day or stay and have dinner with her.

OP, would your gran want to go out with your parents if she were invited? If so, your parents (and brothers) are bloody selfish.

Is there no way your gran could manage the stairs at yours? Many houses don't have the luxury of a downstairs toilet. When I was growing up there was 8 of us living on a 3 bed house and my mum always invited grandparents and other family members for Christmas day. It was a squash but it was lovely.

What about dropping around a pre cooked meal Christmas eve, lots of places do the full works and she can bung it in a microwave and heat up.

If she happens to not have a microwave they're really cheap and it could be a gift to her and would come in handy other times since she doesn't know how to use a cooker.

If she happens to not know how to use a microwave, you could leave written instructions on how long to heat for.

I'm sure your poor gran is aware of how she is not wanted Christmas and will be ever so thankful to you for what you do.

Your issue is with your parents being selfish but I wouldn't let that affect your grandmother, she hasn't done anything wrong and it must be awful sat at home feeling like you're an obligation to other people.

I'd ask if someone else could deliver it this year and if not, I'd just suck it up to be honest. I'm sure your gran appreciates it (does she thank you?) and without being morbid.... it's not like you'll be doing it forever.

Really, your parents should take her out with them for their meal but doesn't sound like they want to do that. That isn't the fault of your gran though.

Completely agree with this.

I would say nothing- but in your head be ready to step in. Get the extra bit of food that you would usually get; and if it gets to Christmas Eve and nothing has been offered, you can make sure your Gran has a meal.

Because @Tootyfilou and @XanaduKira op has a father and brothers that could take a turn this year! Why should the woman do it every year?

I get it OP, it's become your hill to die on, the one task from many others that feels like too much for one person.

I would message your DPs and DBs. I would plate up a dinner for her - because honestly you're making it anyway- but let the others know - nicely it doesn't need to be WW3 - that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed this year and could someone else pick up the meal from yours and bring it to DGrannys.

Tell them you staying put this year. Otherwise its set in stone yearly.. op they sound a bit selfish

@Zygon Do whatever you want, but remember that you will hopefully be older one day and how would you feel if your family couldn't be arsed with you? Peri menopause is a bullshit excuse, you are not having to cook the meal and you are having to make a 1 hr round trip! I assume you drive to work or days out. Yes your parents are cold and selfish, but so are you. based on what you've written here.