To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

Not bullying disabled and vulnerable children would be a start.

I’m not sure many people would know how to navigate this and help.

Well many of us would know not to go screaming, yelling and pulling the bedclothes off for a start.

It could be you need to get your daughter “ college ready” though, and by that I mean not sleeping in till lunch time, having tasks and chores to do. also trying to have more of a structured routine that doesn’t just involve going for coffee and cake.
I think your sister means well but just went about it all wrong.

OP you're solo parenting two teens with SN and mental health issues, holding down a job, feeling ill, and contending with a sister who makes it all worse. Fucking hell.

Sending loads of love and support your way because it must be so, so hard.

It's so easy for people here to judge and say you should be doing this or that, but it's a whole other thing for this to be your daily reality, on your own, when the various 'services' are usually shit/take ages to help.

OP, how is your own mental health in all of this? Obviously this is extremely difficult for you, but are you getting help, therapy/medications, for any mental health issues of your own?

Sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job of getting the help in place your kids need. And now you’ve taken another step and made their home a place where they don’t have to live in fear of their aunt. Hope your cold is shifting and very best of luck to the three of you xx

ermm…think she wants them to live like this? Think she hasn’t tried everything she is physically able to? Think there’s any help available? I think she’s doing EVERYTHING right. Those children are in burnout and need recovery.

Do they have EHCPs? Do they have EOTAS packages? With therapies? There’s no need to pay privately with an EHCP?

Do they take anything to help their sleep pattern? Have they been seen by a sleep clinic?

@PontinsBeach I am glad that you have a plan in place and what an advocate you are for your children.

My DN is severely autistic, doesn’t speak and will never ever leave independently. He like your son claps, points and makes noises to get attention. All those berating you about him really are ignorant. They should understand that like my DN, he maybe 15 but he is mentally about 2 years old.

Like a PP has said your DD could be on the spectrum as well and I am sorry she has been suicidal.

Your exDH is an utter disgrace and your Dsis needs to learn some empathy!

Your teenagers are living like terminally ill elderly people. Sleeping until the afternoon and then a little walk. It sounds awful. I really feel for you. I have never heard of the term ‘school refusers’. I can understand your sister’s frustration, she sounds pushy but she’s probably at a loss and in a weird way trying to help. I can’t believe two youngsters live like this. What is in place if anything happens to you?

Next time, lock the doors and ignore her. She may have some valid points but she doesn't sound like she's actually in any way being supportive

Why does it sound awful?

@redbigbananafeet Am guessing you have not got an autistic teen that has been completely failed by the education and health system, is in complete burnout, has completely cut themselves off from the world, couldn’t leave their room for months, is nocturnal, is suicidal and has had zero help from a system that doesn’t know how to help them.
Oh and they are 2 foot taller and 4 stone heavier than you.
Really easy to preach if you haven’t.

Well done, it’s a pity you didn’t doit years ago! I bet her interference has set your kids back years or even made things worse!

For anyone else going through this, ban that bully as soon as this starts! NT children can’t be ‘bullied’ out of being themselves and forced/frightened into doing stuff will either cause them to fail or mask. Masking often results in severe issues as adults!

You absolutely did the right thing OP. I have been in the same situation with my own DD, she suffers severe anxiety and depression and has been in hospital 3 times for failed suicide attempts. She was also a school refuser. She spent about a year living like your DD, except there’s no way I could’ve got her out for a walk every day, she went weeks without leaving the house at times, refused all help, wouldn’t cooperate with any services. It was so, so tough, but with lots of love and lots of time she started to get better.

She is 17 now, in college doing a childcare course along with maths and English, she has made a group of friends, goes out almost every day (though still needs at least one day indoors alone each week to ‘recharge her social battery’ as she puts it). She has also started engaging with a therapist which is helping. She has completely turned her life around, and the happy, bubbly, hard working girl she is now is worlds away from how she was 3 years ago. Keep going, keep supporting her, you will get there.

I'm not sure what was ignorant about my post? if OPs daughter has anxiety sleeping all day and avoiding the world whilst doing a little bit of drawing and a walk certainly isn't preparing her for college next year.
Her non verbal son is clearly a different ball game all together.
OP said the house was a tip but then said she had been ill for one day. It takes more than a day for a house to become a tip!
No one is saying it isn't bloody hard going but I just don't see how (the daughter especially) is benefiting from the situation, there is masses of home education information online that she could be doing from 9am-3pm before her afternoon walk- that would be setting her up for college.
We all parent differently, some of us disagree with the OPs way of doing it, it doesn't make us awful people! She can carry on as she is but she came on here posting about the situation, should we all just have said 'it's fine as it is'?

Yes agree

To get back to your question @PontinsBeach, would you BU to ban your sister from seeing your kids. No. YANBU to protect your children from her overbearing and frankly abusive behaviour. As for your children, it sounds to me that they have real and substantial difficulties, and that you are handling these difficulties well, enlisting what appropriate help you can, and have a workable plan for your children's future. I'm honestly impressed.

So, let's talk about your sister and your parents.

Reading your OP, I was a bit gobsmacked that she would go up to the bedrooms at all. Or that you would put up with it. Entering someone else's bedroom (other than that of your own child) without being invited in - I'd struggle to do that. Thinking back to my own childhood, my aunts were in and out of our home all the time; and given it was a flat they actually walked past my bedroom door to reach the living room. But not once did they enter my room. Not once. And maybe that's why I find your sister's behaviour so - intrusive. So lacking in healthy boundaries.

And that got me thinking about how you said in your OP "I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me". And about how she's been "taking herself upstairs" and into the private rooms (for years, I assume) and how "Dsis works part-time so is here a lot". And I am wondering about the whole dynamic of your family, where your sister rides roughshod over you without any apparent pushback from you (until today) and your parents are angry at you rather than upset with her because you've said 'no more'.

I guess I'm asking - do your parents treat your sister as The Golden Child, and you as The Scapegoat? Where she can do no wrong and you can do no right and get nothing but blame from all three of them? And that is why, despite knowing how wrong her behaviour was, you've put up with it? Not stopped her going to their bedrooms, not told her to STFU before, not stopped her from walking in? I'm not blaming you for not putting a stop to her until now. I'm raising the possibility that this is WHY you've been unable to challenge her before. And that this is your real problem, not your children's needs. Your sister (and your parents) are the problem to be addressed. And since this is a problem of long-standing - since your childhood - you're going to need to be kind to yourself and not become disheartened when your sister and parents continue to push themselves on you. It isn't going to be easy, standing fast against them. But, for your children's sake as well as your own sanity, you are going to have to draw a line and say 'NO MORE'. For starters - your sister doesn't get over the door ever again. She is not welcome in your home and is never to enter it again. Your home is your sanctuary. Your children's rooms are their sanctuary. She doesn't get into your sanctuary ever again. Ever. And if your parents are angry about that, tough shit, they can stay out as well. I think it would be very reassuring to your children to KNOW that she will never come in to their rooms again. And you won't have the dread of her turning up. Of course, she will try. Do not open the door to her. You'll feel like a fool the first few times, but do it anyway. Never let this bully into your home again. And yes, I would call the police on her if she didn't go away when asked.

Pontins Beach I understand and think you are an amazing mum. Ignore the people who think that ASD will fit neatly into tidy little boxes and stay with what you're doing. If I had to do half of what you're managing so well to do I'd be a complete wreck. You have my admiration but for heaven's sake don't ever let her in the house again

Absolutely this. We've been dealing with some serious health and ND issues in our house and I've lost count of the number of times I have said to DH I'm so glad I'm not doing it on my own!

OP anyone who has dealt with trying to get the right support for their children will know that the things that you will have had to work really hard to get to where you are with that. All while trying to hold down a job and keep a roof over your heads too. I have nothing but sympathy and admiration for how you are dealing with it all.

Facing up to the reality that your child's future is not going to be one where they can live independently is so hard. The last thing you need is idiots telling you that you just aren't trying hard enough. I worked with a non-verbal autistic child for 6 years. I was always so frustrated by how little understanding people had of what realistic expectations were for them.

You keep doing you and yes, keep your sister away. Exposing your DD like that by pulling the bedclothes off when she wasn't dressed is beyond shocking. She needs to know you will keep her safe from that kind of abuse.

Just wanted to say good luck with everything and I hope your kids are OK. I think a lot of people do not know the reality of having teenagers with SEN and mental health issues (usually stemming from inadequate provision and bullying in school).

I think the long walk and cake in the afternoon sounds really positive and will help them recover.

PS I don't have experience of kids with SEN but have a sister with autism who wasn't diagnosed till her 30s and know how very hard it can be to set expectations which would seem appropriate for people who aren't facing such huge challenges.

Also I'm a secondary maths teacher teaching resits and see just how little help there can be sadly

She was completely out of line in her behavior, No one should ever act like that in someone elses home.

But shes right about your DD refusing to go to school and sleeping all day... all teens WANT to do that if you let them, its not remotely unique or unusual we simply don't let them.

I have anxiety, depresion + complex brain disabilities and still got my ass dragged into school everyday even though I spent every other moment of the day and night in bed. Non of it mean't I got to just choose to opt out of life, responsability and the law though. Its the easy route to just let her stay in bed all day and it won't do her any favors, in fact it actually makes it harder as you fall deeper into withdrawl from the real world and struggle far worse to readjust when you HAVE too.

I know that because I spent a whole year in hospital and recovering at home for mobility issue (due to my disability) and I did exactly what you discribed your daughter is doing and it was horrific having to try and readjust to reality afterward.

What a bitch!! I have two ASD children with very similar issues. You are 100% right to never let her hear your children again. I am SO angry for you. Your poor children. She has not got a fucking clue. Her arrogance is unbelievable.

You sound like a brilliant mum going through a very tough time. Your way is the right way though. I was where you were a year ago and we're slowly coming out the other side. Good luck

I’m not quite sure why you’ve allowed your sister to terrorise your disabled and mentally unwell children for this long tbh.

If any of my siblings did any of this even once to my ASD child or the one with MH issues, it would last all of however long it took me to fly upstairs and the bitches feet wouldn’t touch the floor.

In fact, I wouldn’t even tolerate any adult walking into my teenagers rooms without knocking and waiting for a response - even with out NDs/MH issues, it’s their private, personal space.

My dd has autism so I get where you are coming from BUT I do think your sisters heart is in the right pace, she's definitely stepping on everyone's toes but still...